Year 3 of medical school...year 11 of being eating disordered

Hi everyone!
Really sorry i haven't been on here for so long...so...update, how am i?! Well haha it depends who you ask, when and where! I like to say im recovered... but the truth is i doubt i'll ever be. Last term my mum was the best in the whole world, she did 6hr drives to see me and take me into the countryside every weekend, she did my food shopping for me, she talked to me, she held me when i cried, she didnt judge me. She was just my mum, there for me. I think without her I wouldnt still be at uni, i wouldnt be better.
Then summer, i continued to eat. I went back to Africa, where ive always felt most 'me' and happiest. I went to stay with the man i fell in love with on my gap year, who i only knew for 4 days but thought was my soulmate. Up until going out there whilst i thought he was my soulmate i never really considered anything, for whilst we spoke most days via email/fb for 3 years,we live in different countries, continents!
Anyway,i am now very very happy, i feel like im living a fairy tale! Out there i ate lots of new things, even enjoyed red meat! I did vomit a couple of times, but he helped me through it.
I miss him so much, but i love him, want to marry him, have his children. He is the one.

Anyway, back to ED stuff, as i feel R is very separate from my ED...S was my main trigger for ED rearing its ugly head again since being at uni. B...well my relationship with him was when i got to my lowest weight, i was really ill not only physically but mentally i was screweddddd and so our relationship revolved around me my eating i felt, he tried to help me but i got angry as he was more like a therapist than a boyfriend, he tried so hard, but i just got angry because i didnt want his help! R however is different, i promised him id tell him everything, and i do, but he doesnt understand and really that doesnt matter, its actually quite refreshing! in his country few people have eating disorders...why is that? he has heard of anorexia but doesnt understand that let alone EDNOS. but the fact he doesnt understand is ok, because neither do i! i love him,he loves me.when i tell him ive done something bad (fasted/restricted) he is there for me,without trying to force me into changing or making me feel guilty.
basically,he helps me without even actively doing so! he is my saviour. he is a religious man. i know he prays for me...maybe its working?!!

but back to the now...ive been at uni about a month...i went from eating normally at home to not eating for 10days when i first got back to uni...by the end of it i was vomiting any liquids i drank. then work piled up and i realised i didnt want that,i didnt want the illness to follow me into 3rd year. so i ate. and you know what,it was ok! i love my flat this year. im living with one of my closest girlfriends who knows about my ed...i didnt tell her, B did (without my consent but he needed to talk about it with someone,and its ok because she is an amazing person), but she is amazing about it. she doesnt ask questions, but if i wanted to talk she would be there. last year i hated my house, if i didnt eat it would be commented on, when meals were being made i was made to feel guilty or embarrassedd if i wasnt jjoining in. here now its so chilled, usually i eat with them but if not its not an issue. its so much better as i dont feel like im being watched. last year i barely left my room because i was so paranoid abou them seeing me not eating, or seeing the tiny meals i did eat,or indeed the binges. this year my flats so relaxed, im really happy here, i feel i can do what i want eat what i do or dont want, go where i want, and not be constantly questioned and watched and checked up on. i know last year they werent being malicious,buti really hated it.
anyway,so then i got back into eating, and it was fine,but as the weeks passed and stress about exam built up i realised i was not wanting to eat, i made myself, as im so scared of being ill again,but ive been getting urges not to, so i bought a bike,an indoor one,and started cycling 20miles a day, 10morning 10 evening. soon though i found it wasnt enough,i tried to resist urge to do more as i felt maybe it was ed talking not me, but in the end it was either do more exercise or starve, so i now cycle 20miles in the morning, 20 in the evening. it takes me about 50-54mins for each 20miles. makes me feel energised. good. happy. successful. and makes eating ok. allowed. not a failure.
now exams in like 9 days and im freakkkking. i had my first binge since like, May yesterday, and took laxatives, and vomited. felt awful. and scared. scared itd become a habit. so today i went to library to revise with a litre of diet coke and without my wallet to make sure i wouldnt binge. i made a plan to not eat for the ten days ill my exam. but tonight i made a healthy supper of fish and peas and ate it.
i dont want to be ill. and that means whilst i dont want to binge and vomit, i dont want to starve either.
i want to be healthy! yes i want to be thin, but as my leg strengthens (i had major surgery this summer) i will be able to exercise more and more and so will lose the post-op and recovery weight. im a healthy size anyway. i weigh 10 stone. id like to be 9, and i will be. but through exercise.
i want to be healthy. i want to live. i want to LIVE HAPPILY. live. laugh. love.
and i will.
every day is a fight. a fight to force myself to eat. a fight to then not throw up, a fight to not cycle more than 40miles, or to go for a run on top of it. a fight to not go crazy when i eat and binge. when i do overeat and succeed to not throw up its a fight not to cut as a punishment and reminder not to do it again.
but its a fight im winning.
yup. im winning. im dragging myself out of bed at 6 am every day,cycling,at med school till 5pm ish, another cycle, revising, EATING sociably with my flatmates, then revising, showering,pampering,bed.sleep. ready for another day.
im taking time for myself without feeling guilty for it. classical music, candles, long baths, vigorous showers, full body moisturises, nail varnish. taking time out for myself. trying to relax.  im so scared though! cycling makes me feel amazing, but im scared my 40miles a day is too much, i scared of doing more, that it will be my ed taking over my obsessing with exercise instead. and im scared my 2-3 showers a day and long baths are becoming an OCD thing about germs instead of just relaxation.
im a very scared frightened person. i was a scared little girl, and that has followed me to where i am now. i was scared to eat but i did it. and now everyday im scared of everything. when i do things right im scared im doing it for the wrong reasons, im scared its not going to last, scared in case it isnt right after all. but im doing it. and im happy.
yes.
im happy.
and you know what? its thank to my mum. and R. i love them more than anyone in the world. they healed me.
xx

Death

A girl with Anorexia at my medical school has just died. She was in 4th year and i'm only in 2nd year so i didn't know her personally but my ex did...
he contacted me, for support i think, about the fact he had known her personally (we were all emailed by staff offering counselling etc) and that he was upset and so on... i asked him how she died (at that point not knowing anything about her) and he said she was anorexic... it then transpired he didnt know what she died of but has just assumed it was a complication from her ED...
as soon as i heard that i immediately felt completely the wrong emotions...when i initially heard of her death i felt sadness, but when i heard she had been anorexic, but immediate emotion was...and im so ashamed of this...jealousy.
i was overwhelmed by feelings that this girl i didnt even know must have been so much thinner than me (even when i was at my low weight) so much more disciplined and must have had so much more selfcontrol. i was angry at my ex for telling me he had seen her getting thinner and thinner,because it was at the time i got down to my low weight and he said i was scarily thin,yet all i can now think is that he was lying because he knew a girl that was so thin she died, so he must have thought i was obese compared to her.
its ridiculous, because he probably didnt think that,and if he did it really doesnt matter. what matters is that there was a girl here, who i didnt even know, but who probably lived on my road, walked the same route into medschool everyday, probably received treatment at the same clinic as me, who did it SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME. ridiculous way of thinking...i dont want to die..i dont want to be ill...yet knowing she quite probably died from her ED makes me think- she was better at it than me...stupid stupid me.
i hate my brain.
and then the other part of me is consumed by guilt...not only because of these feelings of jealousy...but the fact that im receiving treatment at this clinic even though my BMI has now increased to 20! i cant help but think well she died because i was taking up her place at the clinic, i dont need treatment, she did and other people out there do, yet im being selfish taking up their place when im too fat to need help.
ergh.
im all over the place and i didnt even know her.
i am so sad for her family and friends, and for her, although knowing what it is like having an ED maybe its a relief but i cannot comment because i didnt know her or what she was experiencing...
i just...i dont want to die...especially not from my ED because that would mean it had won...but on the other hand...maybe the only way ill see myself as a success is if this wins? because im a straight A grade student,always top of everything,im at med school,im (supposedly) a talented pianist and singer, i play loads of sports, im (apparently) a really nice girl...all this adds up to tell me on paper im successful...yet i dont feel it...i only feel success when empty...so ultimate success is my ed winning...
IM SO CONFUSED.

B

B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B.

He is all i can think about. Ok so i lie but it wasnt really necessary to say that the other thing im thinking about is weight and food was it?! The only REAL (ie not my illnesses thoughts) thought im having is about B, and about my future. I am in no state to take my exam on Wednesday, not only am i fasting and dizzy and generally mental im just mental...i cant speak properly...B always says i sound like im having a stroke haha i mean to say a sentence and it comes out as the most random string of words or i read something out as something completely different and made up! Funny but scary...
and i have no concentration and generally im a nutcase. Not fit to be in uni.

Plus the fact i technically untechnically selfharmed again...i dont count it because i didnt do it to hurttttt myself i just did it to remindddd myself and there is a difference- any sane person reading this i promise you, there is actually a difference!
In doing so i realised quite how little ive been in the lab this term...0...so much so it took me about 10mins to connect the blade to my scapel handle thingy and then when i was trying to take it off i snapped it..oops...so now my up-until-today-brand-new-dissection-kit is broken and its only ever been used on a very much alive nutcase! haha...

ive started diagnosing myself with every mental thing on the planten. ive decided im bipolar. because i can have weeks of lying in bed starving then one afternoon ill be like you know what i want to go out. i did that with B yesterday and it was the best few hours ive had in forever. he makes me feel so carefree and smiley and CONFIDENT!!!

this is a secret......dont tell anyone.....we were walking through town and i caught a glance of this girl in a window and i was like phwoar i want her body....then i recognised the dress so in the next window i looked again...IT WAS ME!!!! of course once i realised it was me i didnt want the body so badly but i cant say i thought i looked fat!!! ANDDDDD EVEN MORE AMAZING: i didnt think id look better if i lost any more weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is what B does for me....in all the years ive had this ED noone not even myself has enabled me to feel that. but he did it.
he is amazing.i know to those of you who read this blog and dont know the people i speak of i must seem really rather willynilly and fickle swaying between S?B?S?B?
But the truth is...i dont know what i want. i do. i want B long term. but right now i dont want to hurt him anymore. whereas S i feel deserves me. he made me like this, ok so i had a predisposition to it but he made me worse and so when i 'hurt' him nowadays by not answering the door or requesting he doesnt send flowers i dont feel too guilty...i do...trust me...i cut so much last year out of guilt for the hurt i caused him...then i woke up one day and realised hang on but ive actually done nothing wrong...the things S was hurt over were not actually by my wrong doings...wrong by his culture or standards yes but not by mine, not by most peoples.

S is someone i will always worry about hurting, but i always will hurt no matter what i do. i block him out my life-he hurts. i let him in-he hurts. so the easiest for me is to block him out because in all truth without him in my life that is one less thing in my brain telling me im fat. not that he has even implied that for months. but im a selfish bitch. at one point i wanted to be with him the rest of my life. i told myself regardless of his culture id marry him, we would run away together and have a half me half him cultured wedding, but it would never work.neither of us would be happy.we are both too family centralised. and apart from all that...i want to be with someone else...i never ever thought id say that but that is how it is:

I have never met a better person than B. and i dont mean this in a soppy hearted oo im so in love way. i mean honestly. he is so genuine. so kind hearted. caring, thoughtful, warm, friendling. a good listerning. always puts others before himself (his only downfall apart from laziness!).
B has tried so hard to work with me in a team to beat this ED.

i know i would be happy with B. Yet i broke up with him. i pushed him away. i pushed him because i dont think i deseve him and because i dotn WANT to deserve him because i want him to be happy and for that he needs to be with an amazing girl free of issues who he can be with without having to care for and with him he con cancentrate enough on his exams to pass and succeed.
he put me first and i wished he didnt. i hope he passes the exam on wednesday.

i broke up with him and all i want to do is hold him and kiss him and cry with him and be with him.

but i cant.

even if i ever deserved him i can never be with him at the moment because he told my secret, he told our best friend about my ED. and whilst he kept my biggest deepest secret secret, he told her that one. and S has never told anyone. im not comparing B/S. S not telling anyone about my ED does not make him a better or worse person and vice versa.
i just mean that after S i decided never ever to trust anyone particularly a man again, and i did, so easily and quickly i slipped up and fell for B.

and B told our best friend who i am meant to be living with next year and who i love dearly but who i cannotface now she knows.

i always fuck things up for myself.

i wish so badly that i didnt have this dream ingrained in me to be a dr because then i could grab my passport and money and grab a plane and go start afresh somewhere new where noone knows me enough to try make me eat and noone cares about me and i have no expectations to fulfill and no dreams to be failed because i would have made that choice to live them all behind.

but then id be unhappy because my ED would have won and i do want to fight because otherwise i wont be healthy i wont be a dr and i wont be married to someone like B and have children.

but do i even want that?do i want a future?
or would i rather just fulfill one dream-to be skinny-then die?

F.A.T

I have engraved the word ''FAT'' into my wrist.

I like it. I've wanted a tattoo of either 'tears of red' in very small italic or 'FAT' in bold capitals for years, but wanting to be a doctor means this would be kind of inappropriate, especially wth the bare below the elbows policy meaning i couldnt cover it up. Plus tattoos are for show whereas this is for me. I'll keep it covered till it heals to a nice white scar that only i can see because i know it is there. I love it.

I dont count it as self harm because i didnt do it to numb my feelings like i used to. I have no reason to do that right now because i have no feelings. I am me and i dont eat yet i am fat. That is all there is to me. The only emotion in me is guilt, but i try to limit it because it only makes me depressed, but guilt is also good as it fuels my desire not to eat. Whenever i feel a little bit happier i can slip into eating again as routine, and that is a very bad thing.

My wrist is stinging as i write this but that is ok, that was its point, to remind me, not that i need reminding, that i am fat. It was ingrained into me anyway, years old scarring of the knowledge i am fat, but somehow having it written on me helps and comforts me that im not stupid, these people who say im 'scarily skinny' and looking like, quote B 'a horrific cadaver' are lying to me and trying to make me look like a fool by eating even though im fat.

When i see fat people on the street i cant help but look at them strangely. If i get caught doing it i know people think im lookingat them in pty, but really it is a sort of acknowledgement- youre fat, im fat, maybe we know how each other feels.

Yet i always assume that person got so fat by eating too much. Yet i know medically i dont eat enough. So how did i get this size? That i will never understand.

Yesterday i tried on a size 10 dress i bought last summer as a celebration of my initial weight loss. The occasion never arose to wear it/ i was too selfconcious because its strapless. It falls off now. As in even a size 8 would be too big, i would need a size 6, yet i know im not a size 6 and even though most my clothes are size 8 that fit me now i also know im not a size 8, i cant be, im not that 'size 8' girl. Ive always dreamt of being, but i never will be.

Also on friday but skirt and shirt for placement on wards were baggy and the belt that came with the skirt wouldnt do up tight enough. i punched a new hole in it but it looked stupid as the end bit hanging off was too long. So i had to wear a big thick belt which was really wide so could hide the folds of my skirt where it bags up from being baggy under it...what i dont get is how my clothes can be so baggy yet me the same size as last year when i was more than 2 stone heavier?

BMI 17.4

Today i finally reached the BMI of 17.4...when i was diagnosed with EDNOS the only criterion of Anorexia Nervosa I didnt meet was that my BMI was above 17.5. Now it is below. And im next seeing my GP in another 2 weeks so it'll be even lower.

Ive had my ED for years and i'd lose lots of weight in short space of time but then gain it again as soon as weekend from boarding school came or as soon as holidays came and i gave in to the guilt trip from Mum. I know for you hardcore anorexics that is hard to believe, but back then it seemed so hard to stay on track when family members wanted me to eat.

Now ive fallen out with all my friends and boyfriend and upset my Mum terribly, all because i know this comes first in my life, i want to be thin.

Anyway, point of me saying all that is that when i used to lose lots but then put some back on,my goal was always to reach a BMI of 17.5 because i felt then i would know i couldnt be fat because clinically it can mean anorexia.

Now my BMI is 17.4 i feel fatter than ever. I took some photos this morning in the hope id look different in them than in the mirror but no i look just as fat.

Are my scales laughing at me? Im the fattest anorexic in the world.

So so tired

Day 5 of complete fasting (food and water) and im exhausted. But ive lost 10lb in 5 days and a couple more lb and my diagnosis will be changed from EDNOS to anorexia nervosa.

It has been a weird time. I have shut myself in my bedroom all week and not allowed anyone in. Not B. Not S. I've only been into uni to have a meeting with my sub dean in which we discussed a leave of absence from medical school due to my health. It has been agreed that i will attempt to sit my exam next Wednesday but with mitigation seeing as by then i wont have eaten for 10days, and then next term i will remain at home trying to recover then take the exam in summer holidays when hopefully better.

But if im honest to myself i know ive chosen this option as the easy way out- now i can fast for as long as i want without the worry of failing anything. So whilst this time off is meant to be for me to recover really its for me to get iller...messed up thought process i know.

I am now 3rd on the waiting list for treatment at the ED centre, About time right? When i was first referred by BMI was 18.5 and they accepted me for treatment even though the criterion is usually <15. But of course because my BMI was so 'high' ive had to wait a year for treatment...and so now im even deeper in and i think itll take a lot of treatment to get me ok...

I am scared even of drinking water for the fear it will make me maintain my weight the next day. I weigh myself about 4 times during the day and 2 or 3 during the night...having of course got up to pee first. And that is an effort. I have no energy to get out of bed to brush my teeth or pee yet i will so i can weigh myself.

As for my pee...i mentioned in an earlier post that i have decreased kidney function...well considering i havent drunk anything in 5 days, im still peeing vast quantities several times a day and of very dilute concentration...weird.

Ive got an appointment bak with my GP on 13th April. By then my BMI will be around 16.6.

I had to drink some water today because i was on placement on the wards and i felt so faint just being out of bed and having to climb stairs and so on. My clinical outfit is too big now and im really angry about it. Ive basically gone through my savings account this last year buying a whole new wardrobe when i went from size 12 to 10, then another when i reached size 8, and now lots of my size 8 clothes are baggy and so just look stupid yet i dont have the money to buy new stuff.

I cut up my bank card and threw away every 'food' item in my cupboard...for me that was just cuppasoups and stock cubes but i threw it away anyway. So i know i wont give in to my fast because i dont have any money! B made me ring up for new bank card so that i am able to pay for things like train home at the end of term, but it gets sent home and then my Mum will have to post it up to me so all in all it wont get here for at least another week by which stage i will be under 8 stone!

So basically im feeling really positive in myself but just exhausted weak and tired. I sleep all day and all night most days except for waking to weigh. I didnt know it was possible to sleep so much. But if i get disturbed sleeping im then ridiculously moody and angry and tired.

On placement today (first time out of bed all week) i got told my 6 different people at separate times that i look ill...i dont know whether to be offended or not?! whatever theyre seeing im not. yes i look tired. but im the same fat fuck.

ive pushed everyone out my life. B, S, best friend, other friends, even my parents i havent spoken to in about a fortnight. I dont want them all interfering. im happy like this. why cant ibe left alone to live the life i want? surely if they cared enough theyd want me to be happy and so leave me be?

Failure.

Blood test results:

still hypochromically anaemic
low calcium
low egfr
high phosphate
high potassium

Awaiting results from another test... GP says i could have done permanent damage to my kidneys hence unbalanced electrolytes. She mentioned stage 1 renal failure. I freaked. So i wrote a list of rules after researching to avoid foods with phosphate and potassium...i tried to find a way to eat calcium but i hate milk and dairy so i cant...
but i decided that when i do eat itll be healthy because its junk that id have in a binge that has high phosphates.

my boyfriend wrote me a contract and we both signed it. the rules included attempt one meal a day with attempt defined as cook and serve even if you dont eat it....because otherwise its easy for me to say nah dont feel like it whereas if its cooked i might actually try some.

it lasted 3 days since finding out about my kidneys. i ate half a stiry fry every evening for 3 nights.
then it was my boyfriends night out for his birthday so at supper time everyone was predrinking so i didnt eat. then we had a bed day so i didnt have to eat. then he told me the best birthday present he could ask for was me eating 3 meals a day so i told him id try...in the end we woke up late and so had small breakfast then chicken for supper out with his family...

point is less than a week after finding out my kidneys are failing because of the way i treat my body ive already gone against my contract and given up eating/eating healthily. if i cant to it now how is the clinic going to help me with their meal plans? if knowing ive already caused myself harm isnt enough to stop this shit what is?

i feel like a failure. im fat yet have damaged my kidneys. how is that possible? organ failure is for anorexics. im fat.

my clothes are size 8 and my size 8 jeans are baggy. even after binges my bmi doesnt go higher than 18.7. therefore i know medically im not fat, yet i feel i look bigger than someone with bmi of 30.

when getting ready for boyfriends party i tried on several outfits and asked my housemates which were best.
they turned down my size 8 corset for being too baggy/big.
they turned down my fitted black dress for making me look like skeleton sideways.
thy turned down some tight skirt/top options because they claimed they could see my ribs.

yet all night i felt like a lump.
if im not a lump why do i feel and look like one?

2 week fast

I am fasting until Sunday 20th March which is my boyfriend's birthday. All his friends from home and uni will be there and i want to be confident and make him proud.
Water only.
Yay.
I'll post my highs and lows as much as i can...x

Happy times!

Hello!

First of all i realise its been a whole entire week since i last blogged...sorry! ive been so bad recently at doing things and keeping in touch-i havent even spoken to my mum except by email in over a week :s but the reason everything else is getting waylaid is because everythings going really well with my eating! I suppose it depends what i mean by really well...well i mean that i havent been eating. And my weights dropped to give me a BMI of 18.4 so im feeling bit better as if im classified as unhealthy weightwise surely i cant be fat even though my brain tells me i am?

i went to the dr today because id run out of fluoxetine and wanted to discuss alternatives. since being on the 60mg (upped from 20mg) dose ive been having vivid nightmares where i wake up screaming/hitting/sleepwalking because they are so real its like im acting them out. Also ive had a dry mouth/bad breath. Dr said i should continue with fluoxetine for 2 more weeks to see if the side effects subside...so lots of chewing gum for the next fortnight!! it was a different gp to the one i usually see about ed related things and he was a bit of a douche...i saw him write 'fluoxetine for bulimia' on my notes so i said no im not bulimic im ednos and he was like well in such and such a letter it said bulimic and i was like yes but if you were to read my history properly ive been diagnosed with ednos and whilst i have had brief periods of bingeing and purging i usually restrict. he seemed to find it weird i didnt want to be called bulimic,but actually im quite proud that i havent binged in weeks or vomited in agesssss so why call me something im not? i wouldnt like to be called anorexic either. because im not!

then i got annoyed as i saw a letter on the screen from YCED where i went from an appointment in mid January. they put me on wating list (1-2mnths) for outpatient treatment, so i should have heard latest by 2 weeks time. yet they said when they wrote to the dr they would copy me in...but ive had no contact with them...so i asked dr if i could e a copy or at least read it and he said no. so im going to call speak to the dr i usually see instead.

so yep,weights going down so all is well. B is amazing as always. thanks for your comments guys. Lin, i see your viewpoint, and i did truly love S and believe he did love me and i dont take what we had for granted-it was amazing but also the most horrific thing ive ever experienced. since leaving him behind ive felt so much better about myself and about life. love isnt enough. you have to have respect. and he did not respect me or my body and did not treat me right. i in turn treated him badly too. basically love doesnt conquer all. im grateful ive experienced love but it hurt and i wouldnt mind never being in love again.

only thing bad in my life at the moment is studying...i have zero motivation...i cant go into practical classes because i keep fainting, half the terms module im not bothering with till easter holidays,but the other half there is an exam on in 5weeks and i know nothing and im trying to learn it but nothing going in because all i can think of is numbers numbers numbers lb to kg lb to stone kg to stone to bmi bmi bmi bmi fat fat fat arghhhhh.

i stopped revising to write this in the hope it would get some of my obsessive weight thoughts out. but all its done is made me want to go weigh again.

Update!

Hello hello!
Sorry i havent written in ages...everythings been crazzzzy busy recently. I've been attempting fasting february as i said in my last post. Ruddy annoying in that i have eaten. Thanks to the new boyfriend. Shock horror? I love S right so why am i now dating someone else?

Well. I broke up with him last March over how shit he made me feel about myself. A year later and he still makes me feel shit about myself so not only did i a week or so ago give up waiting for him to take me back (for NOT cheating on him even though he is adamant it counts as cheating even though we had broken up months before), i waited a year for him to take me back for something i didnt even do wrong, then i realise hang on, the original reason i ended it with him is still there- he makes me really insecure. So why wait for something i dont even want?!
Ive waited for him for a year because i thought i was still in love with him and that that was enough to overcome how shit he makes me feel about myself.
But then i met someone who made me for the first time since i met S, not only feel good about myself, but regain some confidence, and actually start to believe that S is the crazy one not me. When i feel shit about myself he usually says ive misinterpreted something he has said, or that im crazy and its the EDNOS talking. But talking to my mum and friends i know its not.
If anyone confided in the man they planned to marry about their eating disorder and body dysmorphia and then he turned round and told you its funny i get treatment for EDNOS when im so fat and how could i seriously believe he loved me when im so fat and ugly and that he struggled to have sex to me (when he told me he was making love originally) because im too ugly for him to be aroused...i think anyone that that happened to on top of already ending the relationship months earlier because of hurtful comments about my appearance, anyone would feel shit,surely?
So talking it through with people i realised im not crazy. I have an eating disorder yes. But it is worst when he is in my life. A few days after i told him i was ready to move on and just be friends with him i saw him in a shop when my friends and i were buying pick and mix...it was meant to be my treat,id been fasting for days in preparation. Then i saw him, and i dont even know if he saw me but i immediately started sobbing and struggling to breath and got really hot and bothered and had to leave the shop because i was having a full blown freak out about the fact he thinks im fat and then he'd see me buying and potentially eating not just food but unhealthy food.

anyway so point being i realise i wasnt in love with him anymore. i dont blame him for anything though because whilst he preyed on my insecurities it was my fault for opening up to him in the first place. and i was too weak to stand up for myself,not only because i believed all the bad things he said or implied, but because i think i WANTED to believe them because HE HELPED ME MOTIVATE MYSELF NOT TO EAT. so whilst i cried most days about him, i was actually grateful to him. and i still am. i may not be in love with him anymore but i do think i will always love him. but i am questioning that love.is it right to love someone just because they are the only person in the world that agrees with my supposedly ''mentally ill'' thoughts about me being fat? is it so wrong to side with the one person who tells you your thoughts are right and no you are not crazy you are just fat?
the people that know the situation have told me he is just power hungry and he knows my vunerabilities and attacked them because he likes being in control of me. yet he always blamed me for being controlling!

anyway, enough of S.

new boyfriend is lovely. he was one of my best friends to start with and when i realised the attraction was there and mutual i 1-still loved S,2-didnt think i stood a chance and 3-didnt want to risk ruining our friendship.
but luckily it has all worked out! ive met his entire family...including aunts uncles grandma haha and he has met my mum and the entire side of my dads family! i know people will think thats pretty quick but because we were so close as friends before it makes it more intense from the start because id already met him fam as his friend and we already knew everything about each other and had both been holding back the feelings...
so to now...he asked me out officially on valentines day and it was so romantic and i literally had the best day of my life,my mouth was aching from smiling! i felt so loved so wanted, even a little bit attractive?!

i told him about my EDNOS a few days after he asked me out. he already knew from being such a close friend that i had 'food issues' but he apparently didnt realise the full extent. i would have told him as a good friend sometime anyway but i felt as my bf he had the right to know asap incase he wanted to do a runner!

he is sticking by me though and is amazing...i wake up to hidden notes and alarms telling me im beautiful and so on, and all the time he is complimenting me, but unlike with S, it feels genuine.
problem now is im fasting completely again and he is freaking out on me....ive been honest and said look if you dont stop pestering me to eat ill make it impossible for you to pester me-ie yes i will break up with you over this, my ED comes before anything and anyone. so selfish. but thats my current state.
today after trying everything he then tells me i should eat because ive got badbreath....i was like shizzzzlesssss haha! i hadnt even smelt it! but i do know from lack of food and dehydration you can get smelly breath but id always assumed id notice?!! anyway then we were sat researching the implications of fasting on badbreath haha and he was giving me all the scientific reasons for empty stomach=acid=bacteria buildup blahblah but i was jst thinking arghhh quick i need to get home brush teeth! but i know brushing teeth wont help as its not that ive eaten something smelly,the smells coming from my empty stomach...ew!

but im just chewing gum constantly to try cover it up because yeppppp id rather have bad breath than be fat!

im really happy at the moment. been fasting so empty stomach so loads of energy and lots of motivation so im studying really hard and loving it! and the weights dropping off whoop whoop....argh that reminds me i need to book bloodtest...ive put it off for almost 3 weeks now :s i have a drawer full of bloodforms from not attending appointments :s i just hate being told im anaemic when im this fat its ridiculous!

anyway i have work to do. love x

Hello ED, I LOVE YOU X

That is my attempt at pretending to be normal over.
Ive tried denying to myself i have a problem. Ive tried accepting i have a problem but trying to get over it. I cant do it anymore. Eating ruins my life. When i eat i cant get out of bed, cant go uni, feel frigging suicidal for goodness sake! How is that beneficial?!

Exactly. It isnt. So. Im back to doing it my way. Fasting February and a better future hello!

Dream...

I wish i could go somewhere for a month, with other people with ED's (not in recovery), or even extreme dieters, i dont care. To go somewhere for a month where i can fast, not feel pressured to eat, not have any studying to do which involves needing food for concentration, no concerned friends or family trying to get me to eat. To be in an environment for a month, even 2 weeks, where everyone is just as weird as me, where i can eat nothing for as long as i want and not feel guilty when people ask me when i last ate and not have to lie about it. I realise how 'pro' this sounds. But i would love it. Ever seen those fat camp tv shows? I sometimes wish my bmi was overweight so i could qualify to go to a place like that where they actively encourage you to lose weight and you're on a strict diet and exercise regime.

Im tempted to book myself a holiday somewhere where i can just not eat for at least a forthnight,but have access to a gym or somewhere nice to run (if its a warm country of ill get wheezy running outdoors lol) and not have to do anything except not eat, exercise, relax. No studying to worry about.

I want to be a doctor so bad. But recently the desire to be thin is taking over... people are telling me if i dont sort myself out soon ill have to take medical leave from uni for a year because they wont let me continue like this.... half of me actually likes that idea....a whole yearrrrr with no commitments...a whole year in which to lose weight and get fit! But of course it wouldnt be like that because id have my mum on my case taking me to various therapies trying to get me healthy for my return.
I dont want to drop out for a year and i wont. But i have spent most of this term in bed! I know i will pass the exams because i thriveeeeee off revision Sounds so geeky but i love it. The reason im hating this term is because i cannot bearrrrrr essays and assignments where i have to thinkkkkk especially when the assignments are pointless,only doing them to pass them,they have no benefit to me whatsoever,so i have no motivation to do them. So thats my worry, that ill fail the assignments and so have to come back in summer just to write a shitty essay!

I miss revision and exams! I miss having stuff to learn so i can bury myself in the library late every night! I know i could technically bury myself in library writing these assignments, but they are so boring and pointless and i dont have the energy.

This is my last day in bed. Tomorrow im on wards again. Weekend ill get the first assignment done. Then next week will be a good week. I hope.

Suicidal?

I am blogging because I want to die.
I am sat here with the 84 fluoxetine that the Dr just gave me, wondering if i took them all right now, all at once would this shit be over once and for all or would i just have liver failure and a even more miserable life? What an ungrateful cow i am. I have an amazing life yet here i am wanting to end it. Im fucking alive. He is gone. And noone will tell me what happened. This girl i know knows what happened and wont tell me. She is being so selfrighteous. Saying confidentiality blah blah. She wasnt his Dr. SHE DIDNT EVEN KNOW HIM! HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND, i have a right to know how and why he died, surely?
I cant believe she wont tell me. Me and all my friends here neeeeeed to know. We need answers. We cant grieve till we know what we are grieving for. We know something weird happened. We know he changed. And we know he is dead. I also know i really cared about him so much, and it doesnt matter how long or little i knew him, I knew him, i was close to him, i miss him. I cant have closure till i know.

Here i am, a 21year old wanting to be gone, yet he is gone, an amazing 22 year old. Did he commit suicide? By contemplating it would i be putting my friends and family through the same? Would anyone even care?

I just had an awful dr appointment in which i got told ive gained 5kg and so im healthy and the dr is really happy. I cant stop crying. I cannot take this grief, this stress about my supposed ED and the bigger dose of fluoxetine and studying etc when im so fat. I cant do it. I just want to die. But i cant kill myself because i refuse to die fat. I dont want a special persons coffin.


Why am i so selfish? Why cant i cope? Why am i suicidal when i have such an amazing life? I am so ungrateful and selfish. Im such a bad person. Which just makes me want to die even more.



I cant do this.

.......................................................................

Numb. Dazed. Unfeeling. Emotionless.
You think things cant get any worse because you are a fat person living in a society where only thin people are successful.
Then someone you were once really close to dies.


How selfish and selfabsorbed have i been? Lying here for days on end in bed pitying myself for being so fat and ugly. Wasting away my life feeling sorry for myself when there is so much tragedy in this world.

I dont have anything to say. Im emotionally exhausted. I feel like... i dont know. I think ive stopped feeling.

I just want to go to sleep and only wake up when im thin. But that makes me feel so guilty. Im alive. I should be making the most of it when i have such an amazing life. But im fat. And nothing else matters. And the fact im aware of how stupid that is just makes it worse. The constant feelings of guilt, for being so pathetic and selfish and selfpitying. That guilt just fuels my lack of appetite.

If i was thin, nothing would hurt.

RIP xxx

I dont know what is happening to me

Everything has been so weird the last 3 weeks.
The first 2 i binged which is unheard of for me. According to people that saw what i ate it wasnt bingeing but it felt like it for me and i gained masses.
Then this 3rd week ive fasted. But i am SO depressed. like. struggling to get out of bed, not because of my usual weak/faintingess, but like so down that i cant even be bothered to shower. i keep cancelling on friends because between them inviting me wherever and it reaching the time i have to get ready my moods dropped and ive spent the hours waiting panicking about what im going to wear that wont make me look as fat as i am, comparing myself to the people who will be there, who is fatter than me who is skinner than me.

Im meant to have uni 9-4 tomorrow but im not going to go, because im struggling to dash from my room to the loo 3 feet away without being seen by my housemates, let alone having the energy to shower and go downstairs or leave my house...i know i sound like a crazy kid...and i really think i am...ive become so freaked out by what i look like that im so terrified of people seeing me that i would rather stay in my room alone days on end and selfteach myself my medical degree than go into uni. last week i was managing to get p at 6am to get to the gym before many people were there so i didnt have to be seen,because im too embarrassed by what i look like to even walk in streets without thinking everyones thinking how disgusting i am.
yet in just a week my brains declined so much that even though i know exercising makes me happier and makes me lose faster i just cant face the 5min walk from my house to the gym. feck i cant even walk downstairs in my own house!

ideal situation? to wear a burkha. i know that would offend soo many people because im not officially muslim but come on...i can say the things i need to say to god that tell him i believe and so on, as if he doesnt know already lol! with religion i dont get the point in the rules,particularly the people that follow some of them but not all of them but then pretend they do...its like well god knows everything so its silly to pretend, just be honest or you're lying! anyway, id love to be from a culture where everyone wore baggy dresses and only showed slits for eyes. if i wore that here everyone would stare at me even more than they do already because im so pale and have stupid blue eyes so it would be like oooo white muslim or whatever. its one of the reasons ive given up 'showing' an interest in islam for now. i got stared at whereverrrrrr i went.
white girl with blonde hair and big blue eyes in a mosque? gets stared at, with AND without headscarf. i make the women stare and the men feel uncomfortable. i feel peaceful when i go to prayer room alone, but praying as a community is meant to be great, but i get frigging stared at! and im knelt there like ermmm will you please concentrate on whats being said rather than distracting me by staring at me?! ok little kids fine...big fat white girl with scary eyes descends upon them...i get it,kids stare...but the adults?! anyway point being i find peace in prayer but people take away my peace.
how pathetic is that, i want to be a dr, so im a people person, yet im basically terrified of people.

i avoid so many situations because im so embarrassed of how i look and scared to be seen!
im going to list things i avoid:

gym- only go early enough that i leave before 7am when most people arrive
uni-try to arrive late so i dont have to talk to anyone and can just sneak in quickly,sit,listen to lecture,leave
library-i go in,head down,try get to my corner which i always go to (i like routine lol) asap without being seen.
movie nights in-i always say yes,then cancel last minute because im scared i will lower the mood,or people will try make me eat takeaway or whatever.
meals out/dinner parties-decline straight away.food.dressing up/making effort.no way.
nights out clubbing etc-erghhhhhh.hate this because you cant go out without making effrt.u have to make effort but then people see u at yr best nd so u cant even use the excuse oh i jst woke up or dont have makeup on as excuse fr why u look so shit!
seeing friends in general/shopping/meeting for coffee etc-no no no! why wld i want to socialise and make up stuff about how great everything is?! everything is great,i love uni,yet im a big fat depressed cow who is clearly selfish for being so unhappy just because she is fat!
people are dying.
people are permanently disabled (ok so legally i come under that category but i mean like severely incapacitated)
people go through soooo much more than me.
yet i lie in bed days on end wallowing in self pity.
and the fact i know how pathetic that is just makes my guilt/selfhatred even worse.

and you know what. dooo people go through worse than me? i bet people look at me and think wow she has the most amazing life.

here is what people see:

only child, spoilt by upper middle class parents who are happily married
attended private boarding schools all her life, priveledged upbringing, big house, huge garden, countryside life
no money issues. lived all her life in a very prim area-no drugs/stabbings/shooting/crime in general
got straight A grades throughout school without doing any work
played tennis/hockey/netball/squash/kayaking/athletics for her school, tennis/hockey/kayaking for local clubs, and county tennis.
partakes in physical challenges,marathons etc and raises thousands for charity.
horserides.
grade 8 piano and grade 6 singing by 14th birthday.
offers from 4 out of 4 medical schools. getting A grades in 2nd year of medschool.
well travelled. amazing gap year. expensive stuff.
loads of friends all from same upbringing, everyone from same little happy bubble.
blonde,big blue eyes,tall,curvaceous.
the perfect life right?

here is the truth:

born to a 15year old druggie mother in an ambulance, drug dealer father in prison.
aged 0-3 witnessed awful things including men chopping fingers off, murdering cats,in and out of hospital due to neglect.abuse.in and out of fostercare...more abuse.
age 4.adopted by amazing parents.but kidnapped.
age 6-12. abused in all the categories there are by brother. survived several strangulations.
age 13-15. lived in fear. rarely left house. harrassed constantly.
15. had to move house. change address, numbers,etc.
16-now. still live in fear. legal action taken.effects of my past with me everyday.

so yes. im blessed to have incredible parents who saved my life and have made me the strong person i know i am today. but even they cant change what happened to me before i could even walk or talk. or what continued to happen.

so people see this girl with 'the perfect life', supposedly clever, sporty, attractive, middle class, welleducated blah blah blah.
but remember. never assume. because everyone has skeletons in their closet. and trust me. i have even more than im willing to write here.
i write all that out,drag it from that place in my brain which i try not to think of. and then now ive remembered, relived it i think,yes,its ok,i deserve to be a little down,its ok to be a little self pitying.
then i remember no,its not.because noone knows. so a couple of family friends know about my 'violent' brother. a few know i had a complicated adoption. my parents know almost everything. but noone except ME knows everything ive gone through. IM the one tormented by the memories. IM the one who has sleepless nights of nightmares and flashbacks,who is sometimes so tired from the buzzing brain but dreads sleep because of the nightmares it brings.the nightmares which arent made up but are memories.

so i cant afford myself this time to wallow in misery.
things happen in life.
but i have the perfect life right? im going to be a doctor. im middle class. i have lots of friends and a supportive family. forget all the shit and im the happiest girl in the planet.

but that is what this is about right?
i cant forget.
who can forget that.



i wish i could write it out. what actually happened. but even after all these years im still too scared.
im going to stop before i have another freak out.

The truth

Hello.

So I realised something. There is nothing wrong with me! Apart from being fat obviously. But yah. I'm not ''eating disordered not otherwise specified'. I dont have an eating disorder! I've just been on one big fat failure of a diet the last ten years! Now i can see people thinking erm how can someone failure at a diet for ten years? Well its because i lose, gain, lose gain. Ive got to stop gaining! And the only reason i ever gain is because people convince me im sick, convince me there is something abnormal about me not eating and convince me i should eat and i get scared that they might be right and maybe i do need to eat maybe the fact i sometimes faint up to 4x a day means i should eat and maybe i have lost the weight my scales say i have even though i always look the same if not fatter.

But now ive realised. Im just a weak fat fuck who has been on this pathetic diet far too long. It has got to stop!
From now on. No eating. It is pretty simply. They call me eating disordered? I'll give them eating disordered. Why would someone who hates themselves and think theyre fat eat/binge? Its so so stupid. Everything is my own fault. When i fast im happy. So why did i ever eat? Out of guilt. Because ive grown up in a piggish society where it is normal to eat yourselves to death. That grosses me out. Starving to death however doesnt gross me out, it saddens me, but id rather die of being thin than of being fat.

Im going to stop the ED thoughts in my brain everyday because the truth is i dont have one, i think ive been too selfobsessed all my life, too absorbed in the things that happened to me from the moment i was born in an ambulance out of a druggie teenagers fanny to most the way through my teens. I need to stop living in the past. Stop blaming the past for everything. The truth is my life sucks because im fat. My life is perfect, ive got everything i ever wanted, im where i always wanted to be in life.
Yet im not happy. Why? Because im fat. And its disgusting. And ive got to stop kidding myself its ok to be fat because its a disorder so i supposedly 'cant help it'. It is time i took back control.

I CONTROL THIS. Food no longer controls me. I dont want it. So i wont have it.
End of.
I am fat so i am on a diet.
I do not have an eating disorder.
Im fine.
And when im skinny ill be perfect.

I am such a fat stupid ugly idiot.

I hate myself. I am so stupid. I always get upset by things i could have prevented. Why did i fall for someone who couldn't care less about me? How many times will it hurt me yet i will continue to pine after him hoping that this time is the time he will be the perfect guy and not hurt me?
I know that even if he once loved me he doesnt anymore. I know i get in his way and he finds me annoying and its too much effort for him to see me anymore unless he thinks he is going to get sex out of it. Yet i continue to hope that one day we will be together.

Today a mutual friend told me what S has been up to...commenting on which girls are hot, flirting with them all, putting me down and laughing along with jokes other people make about me, talking about our private sex lives in a way which is derogotary to me... the worst thing is he has done it before and denied it even though i've seen the evidence on facebook/texts. So when he cant get out of it he uses the excuse 'oh it was just jokes we were just being lads' as if that makes any difference?! as my friends always remind me, if he loved me he wouldnt care what his friends thought, he would stick up for me and not make inappropriate jokes just to make himself look cool.

If he loved me he would put the past behind us and move in for a happy future. I can put the fact that he has made my ED worse than ever to the back of my mind because i love him and i dont blame him. it is my love for him that is making my ed worse, because i want him to love me and want me and need me more than anyone else and the only way i feel i can succeed is by being skinny.
if i see him talking to any girl, i dont immediately think oh he is flirting with her im jealous, but i do think, that girls skinnier than me and use that as motivation to keep fasting. its like im not jealous of girls he is with on a day to day basis but if i see him with a particularly skinnnnny girl,even if she is ugly, i will be extra motivated not to eat.
the funny thing is he claims not to like skinny girls.and i do believe him because when we were broken up the girls he flirted with were fat. but eve though he claims not to like skinny girls i cant get it out my head that if i were skinny everything would be better and he would want me again.

i know he and i are never going to be together again whether im fat normal or skinny. but the only way i can cope with that is by focussing all my thoughts on fasting. if im focussing on studying and not eating i dont have much space left in my brain to get upset by not being with him. and if like today something happens to upset me i automatically think dont worry, its ok, this is just a sign that i cant eat until next week, thats ok, its a good thing this happened, im fat and i dont deserve him so this is why this has happened and im glad it happened because its extra motivation to get my fat arse into gear.

ive realised something has changed inside me. my goal used to be 8 stone but ive realised even close to that im far from happy, now my goal is 7 and a half...which would make be very ill given the fact im quite tall.
but i dont care.
i want to be thin. then he will love me. and i might love myself.

no matter how much he hurts me i will stick by him. because i love him. i am nothing without him. plus. he feeds my ed. whether im with him or not. he is in my head. telling me how disgusting and ugly and fat i am. its funny. the voice inside my head never used to sound a certain way. now its his voice in my head. and it hurts. but its my own fault for being such a FAT PIG. yuck. ergh.

have you ever want to just float away out of your body? i wish i could detach myself from my body, and not be weighed down by its grossness. i want to be free.

Exciting future :)

So i've posted a long depressing post about my appointment already today, but now its the evening before a big day for me and im excited, so happy post time!

Tomorrow is my first day on wards as a medical student. My stethoscopes all ready to go and im soo excited but of course nervous at the same time! Typically EDwise, my nerves are about what to wear,because im scared ill be bloated and so my waisted pencil skirt will make me look fat...but then i found out there is an obese person in my group...as in actually will probably die soon obese, and i know my BMI is lower end of normal/almost underweight, so even though i feel fat i logically know im not.
So i wont be the fattest there. Which gives me confidence.
And yes i feel guilty for thinking like that. I hate myself for judging people based on their size but i cant help it-the first thing i notice about people is their bodies, which parts of them are or arent fat, i can analyse their entire figure with one fleeting glance, decide how i compare, and then whether i feel ok or like shit. Usually i end up feeling like shit (my body dysmorphia means i think even friends who wear jeans 8inches bigger than me are skinnier),so i dont know why i continue to do it, but i cant help myself.

And the guilt i feel about thinking people are fat who arent fat, or ugly who arent ugly, only serve to make me see myself as an even badder person than i already do, i feel guilty, horrible rude, bitchy, and even less deserving of food. I dont conciously think 'i dont deserve food so i will deny myself food', but im beginning to realise that is it...if im unhappy with myself in anyway-whether i didnt get an A or the A wasnt 100%, or i didnt lose at least 1lb that day or indeed only lost 1 instead of 2, or someone said i look 'thin' rather than the 'skinny' adjective i prefer...then i will immediately feel like a failure and know i wont eat for at least that day if not the next and next and next...

My brain is so weird!
But yay for tomorrow!x

My 1st appointment at YCED

Sorry i haven't updated this sooner. Things have been all over the place the last few days. Last night was the first night i slept since Sunday because ive been in a whirlwind spiral of insomnia/gym/insomnia/gym just panicking about the appointment and how much ive gained in this bizarre binge fortnight ive had.
So. What happened?
I arrived and went up to ward 6 as my letter instructed. This freakkkkked me out. There were the most beautiful tiny girls sitting around, one had a drip on a stand thing... i know they are really ill and i shouldnt feel like this...but i was jealous...i want to be that thin...how warped is my brain?!
Then it turned out i had been sent to the wrong place and so i went downstairs to ward 5... i was a bit annoyed tbh that the letter had told me to go to the ward where inpatients were...surely they should be careful about that because its triggering? And also for the patients there...i just walked in...no security...i could have been anyone!

Anyway...ward 5...happens to have the same waiting room as gender identity...now i have no issues with any type of sexuality or transgenderness. but ive only ever seen transvestites and transsexuals on tv. then suddenly i was in a waiting room for possibly the scariest hospital appointment ive had in a long time,and sitting around me are men,dressed as women,some look quite feminine,some have had boob jobs,some are at the early transistion stage and are literally men in womens clothes,some look pretty.either way i found it disturbing. i realise some of you reading this will be offended at that. but im not going to apologise. i went to hospital for an issue really harrowing for me, and then im confronted by people completeeeeely different to me, who i think anyone would struggle with meeting for the first time. i didnt know where to look or not look. yet it is nature to stare at new things/unusual people, just out of interest. i have nothing against them,ive just never seen anyone like that before. basically what im saying is i found it strange that an ed centre/gender identity centre would share a waiting room when both sets of patients are troubled in some way, but so differently.

then the most beautiful man walked in. i shouldnt stereotype but my first thought was,he doesnt look like someone with an ed. and he certainly wasnt transsexual. i started to panic about how fat i looked, how hot and flustered (it was boilllling in there and i had a zillion layers on as had gym clothes on under actual outfit). then in walks his utterly stunning,tinnnnnny,gorgeous girlfriend. they sat there cuddling and smooching away,him whispering adoring things into her ear. i wished then more than anything that the guy im in love with (see previous post, going to call him S for now),had come with me. he may not be my boyfriend,but he is the one person i tell everything too. he doesnt really understand where im coming from,but he listens. i feel like if i knew he had an appointment for anything,id offer to come with him. but he knows when i have appointments coming up and never offers to come. the couple of times ive tentatively asked him to he makes up excuses...i guess its a scary thing to do to go with someone to an appointment...but its even scarier for me. i just wished i had someone like that to hold my hand and comfort me as i waited.
something i did realise is that girl and i were so similar. we were both on verge of tears. both fidgeting away nervously. both got loads of layers on even though it was boiling neither of us were undressing...strange.

so. the appointment. there was a female and male psychiatrist. the woman did most of the questioning and talking, the man wrote the notes and occasionally asked/added something extra.
first things first they asked to weigh me. i burst into tears.
i havent weighed myself for a fortnight because ive been eating normal and bingeing,which is so unlike me,and id only vomited 2x,so i knew not only would i have gained some fat,but all that food and water weight too.
they saw my distress and weighed me backwards so all was ok. until the women said...''oh so when you were referred your bmi was 18,its now 20!!!''...

i was distraught and promptly burst into tears again. this is the Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders. if im eating disordered like they say then they must deal with people like me all the time. they agreed to keep my weight secret then told me my bmi...how can they not realise that im so obsessed with my weight that i know its equivalent in pounds/stone/kg/bmi?!! by telling me my bmi i knew how much id gained! and the way she said it...so shocked...interpreted by my ed brain as...oo you fat shit youve gained alllll that weight in succcchhh a short space of time! i afterwards realised they only made me take off my trainers and i later weighed myself naked and after being to loo and i was 6lb lighter so that was a little comforting.

the women continued to make me feel bad throughout the appointment. i felt like she didnt believe me. i explained that i usually fast and set myself one eating or bingeing day a week, but that the last fortnight id done something unprecendented for me,which was eat/binge nonstop for a whole 14 days. therefore she should have realised id have gained a lot quickly. but instead she seemed to think i was lying about my eating patterns. she kept saying 'i dont see how you weigh X if you only eat like Y' etc...
i spoke to my mum about it afterwards and she was outraged. like i feel like ive had massive binge even if i eat less than normal people. so im already soooo so guilty about what ive eaten that fortnight of what i perceive as bingeing,but this woman belittles everything i say...she asked me how many calories i consume in a binge...i told her i had no idea i dont base things on calories...she asked me to estimate..i said 2000, she LAUGHED IN MY FACE can you believe, and said from what youve described thats maximum 200 which isnt a binge. and i felt too stupid to tell her well actually for me that is.

she didnt seem to get it into her head that i dont make myself vomit. in the last month i have 2x,admittedly both times in the last fortnight of bingeing. but whilst my diagnosis is EDNOS she kept trying to call me bulimic, even though i told her ths fortnight of bingeing is a new thing and i havent vomited regularly since last summer. the man obviously saw where i was coming from more and said no she is more anorexic, then the woman looked at the paper where she had written my weight and said no she is no way anorexic!
they were discussing/almost arguing in front of me about my diagnosis, and i felt like screaming at them IVE ALREADY BEEN DIAGNOSED IM NOT ANA OR MIA IM EDNOS FFS!!!

the man seemed to listen when i explained that the last fortnight had been abnormal because i was stressed about appointment and when making extra effort to be normal i just ended up bingeing. but the woman seemed to be basically saying, you wouldnt be tht fat if you usually fast.

then they talked about me mentally...they brought up my past, which i knew they would...but they asked me very direct questions... were you ever xxxxxxxxxx did xxxxxxxx ever happen to you. i denied everything in a way which i think looked like a normal truthful no. i think they woman bought it, but the man looked at me suspiciously. i defs preferred the man, he seemed to be more on my wavelength.
i had nightmares/flashbacks when i finally slept last night. its why i think i dont want help as i know theyll try delve into my past to find the source of this ed, and when that happens and things are remembered i cant cope.

then my physical side. she said i have polysomethingmyosomething is basically thinning of my enamel and chipping of my front teeth,apparently caused by my vomiting. thing is though i dont think i even used to vomit thatttt much,only like max 6x a day,so i think its more likely due to diet coke...which i have stopped drinking!
then she said something that shocked me...i have frequent bloodtests and ecgs because of my ed. my gp hadnt told me anything about the ones i had done in november when i had to go to hospital because of dehydration,so i assumed i was fine, but then the woman told me im hyposomething anaemic. i asked her to explain the science behind it and she said basically mild anaemia of that type is when 1% of your cells lack haemoglobin,but that 12% of mine lack it therefore im very anaemic which explains my breathlessness,lethargy,cold hands feet,pale colouring etc. i got confused as i a med student and thought anaemia was iron deficiency but she was saying 12% of my red blood cells were mishaped because they contained no hb. weird. anyway, whatever.

we discussed treatment. ive previously been prescribed 20mg fluoextine but im a 'nonadherent patient' meaning i dont do what my dr advises because i think i know best! fluoextine is basically prozac and i disagree with it because i dont think im depressed. i get low when i eat,but i dont eat much so i dont see point in taking pills which take 4 weeks to work on off chance i get low when i eat in 4 weeks time. i hate unnecessary medication.
however, ive now been prescribed 60mg which treats ed rather than depression so ill probably take it. apparently itll treat the thoughts in my brain,the obsessiveness with weight and food as apparently as well as treating depression its for anxiety and ocd. so i suppose i could try it. plus when i did first try it it made me lose my appetite completely and i got to my lowest weight whoop lol...probs not what the dr intends!!

my fear about the appointment was that id be too fat for treatment. but they want me to go there 1-3x a week to see an outpatient nurse who will go through meal plans with me and encourage/support. personally i dont see how this will help me. i have a supportive mum and friends who i could do that with, but i guess its worth a shot.

however, since the appointment ive felt even worse about myself, i havent eaten and i dont forsee myself ever wanting to eat again. i felt fat before hand and this lady has made me feel even worse. she made me realise even more than i already did how much ive gained. im now even more determined to do my new routine of 30mins running 30mins weights every single day with zero food intake. that will show her im not a liar. she even asked me... do YOU think you have a problem?

why the hell would i be putting myself through an interrogation by 2 psychiatrists in a mental health hospital for eating disorders if i didnt think i had a problem?!!

on the way out i was accosted by a madman. he wanted to know if i was visiting? no. are you visiting? no. what you doing here then? i had an appointment. what for? i dont want to talk about it. he stank and sat next to me intruding my personal space and breathing over me. i got up and walked away to wait for my taxi elsewhere leaving him yelling after me.
i realise ed's are supposedly mental health disorders (although theres a lot of evidence suggesting its actually due to chemical imbalance in the brain),but i do feel that in going to get help i shouldnt have to deal with transistioning transsexuals and madmen that accost me in the corridor and make me feel uncomfortable and scared, plus its not the first time thats happened. i went to the same hospital for a support group last term, i hated it,mainly because i was told to go to the mia one even though im more ana,so i couldnt relate to the mia people and they disgusted me (yes i know im a horrible person,but one of them was so fat she had to stand as couldnt fit her bum between the arms of the chair!)...there was a scary lady there who had no social skills and accosted everyone telling them how much she had eaten about her life how she was just divorced blah blah and asking impertinent questions,with no realisation for a persons body language. when she came up to me she was like well you're quiet arent you whats wrong with you?! so i said to her, this is my first time and im here to listen not speak but she just wouldnt leave me alone,tried to get my phone number,offered me lift home and wouldnt take no for answer,in end i got so freaked out by her i had to lie and say my boyfriend was going to be there any minute so would she mind leaving me alone, and still she pestered me,i was honestly terrified of her.obviously she had other issues as well as an ed but my point is... i feel nervous and scared enough about getting help for my ed, without being confronted by people with all sorts of mental illnesses at the same time. i have nothing against these people,i cannot wait to be a dr and treat people with mh illnesses one day,and i myself have a history of sh etc so im not exactly sane, but i do think the ed unit shouldnt be in such close proximity with people who are genuinely scary.

the waiting list for treatment is 1-2 months. in that time i plan to get my bmi down to at least 17.5.
''treatment'' so far is just motivating me to lose.

Appointment tomorrow....freak out

So tomorrow i have my appointment at the Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders (YCED). IM FREAKING OUT SO MASSIVELY.

I first went for help this time last year because i was vomiting several times a day and was so ashamed and it was disgusting i just wanted out.
But i barely ever vomit now so i dont think i want help.
I wasnt going to go to the appointment tomorrow but today i received a letter from my Mum about my ED, saying how she will never understand why i cant give the fuel my body needs, but that she does understand im not in control of it anymore. The letter made me cry. I feel so in control when i fast, but my mum is right, it isnt my decision not to eat, nor is this recent bingeing episode my decision. I used to be in total control. Now i have no control.

Im freaking out right now, sitting here sobbing, not upset, but terrified. I have to go to ward 6 tomorrow. Ive been to the Newsam centre before for a stupid self help group i went to once and never returned to. When i was there i saw a girl obviously inpatient saying goodbye to her mum who had been visiting. Obviously she was very sick but it just made me feel jealous and even more huge than i already feel.
Ive been bingeing for over a week now so im probably 9 stone by now. Girls in there will be 4 and a half stone, HALF MY BODY WEIGHT. How is me going in there going to help things? All it will do is motivate me not to eat again. Which is probably what i want right? All i know is i want to be thin. Im fed up of being the obese girl who waddles everywhere and gets stared at. I want to be thin already! Ideally i would like to be skinny but thin would be a good starting point.
I dont see how getting treatment will help.
And theyre not going to treat me anyway. Ive gained weight since they accepted my referral, my BMI is now healthy. Im bingeing! How will i sit there and admit outloud ive been bngeing?! i just had to adjust the questionnaire they asked me to fill out from 0 binges in the last 28 days to 7. im so embarrassed,arghhhhh.
I know ed clnics are not just for anorexics but for bingeeaters or bulimics too,but i feel so much shame in bingeing. I not sure i can sit there and be honest with them. But then again thats better than lying and having them wonder why im so fat.

And i absolutely can not be weighed. I havent weighed myself since this binge episode started. I know ill be at least 9 stone by now ewwwwww. I know theyll offer me to be weighed backwards bt thats even more humiliating, woooo look at me,im fat.
I cant let them weigh me. And if they say they have to ill just say ill leave then.
So why am i even going to the appointment if im going to refuse to cooperate?! i clearly dont want treatment! i dont wantis constant battle in my head but i do want to be thin. what i would love is to be able to eat 3 healthy meals a day without eating one thing and then losing control and having to binge. but i dont see that ever happening.
i thought my ed started when i was 11, but if i think hard about it i realise even at junior school i used to skip breakfast and throw my packed lunch away. and even at infant school i hated the school dinners. back at infants it was probably more just me being v v v fussy, but maybe my ed did start then? in which case ive had it for closer to 15 years than the 10 i thought. so there is no hope.


omg i am just so so embarrassed at the prospect of going tomorrow. i cant stop crying over how humiliating i know its going to be. and i never cry in front of anyone but i know tomorrow i will break down,i always cry in front of my gp as soon as eating comes up.

i am being pathetic and even freaking over what to wear! atm im so ashamed of my bingeing bloated body that all i can wear are baggy trackies and big jumpers, but i know they make me look even bigger than i am. im terrified of them judging me as just another fattie who cant control what she stuffs into her fat face. in reality that is what i am but truth hurts right? arghhhhhhhhhhhh i dont want to go!
but maybe if i go theyll stop me bingeing, that would be something right?
but i dont know what to wear. and i cant look in mirrors atm so cant even wear makeup.
and ill be going in gym clothes as going there straight from gym and thn have arranged to meet friend at gym again afterwards.


ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.



meh.
help me.

Positive plan of action!

Right. Im 21. I have a life. Well i should do. It is therefore time to stop the last 2 weeks worth of eating myself into a depression that has left me barely getting out of bed for fear of being seen and laughed at for my fattness.

So tomorrow is back to fasting!!!
I dont know when why or how this binge fortnight started but it has GOT TO STOP. It is making me feel so out of control because quite simply, I AM OUT OF CONTROL when i eat!
So. The plan:

Gym before uni...im so unfit and have really low blood pressure so will have to take it slowly to start with. 15min run and then if that doesnt make me vomit then perhaps a cycle or wave machine.
Leave wallet at home: only bring student card. I dont need to buy anything because i wont be eating and i will take bottle of water and thermos of peppermint tea with me, even if i dont drink it thats is extra weight to carry as i walk around!
Use every opportunity to walk! If someone wants company somewhere i dont need to go, walk with them!
Stairs not lift!
Always choose most active option.

Drink lots of water.
THINK POSITIVE!

First few days of fast after eating are hard as feel so disgustingly fat and ugly and full and heavy and lethargic, but i cannot give up! Within 3 days ill start to feel better and then can start to lose this binge weight and then the depression will lift and i can start living my life again!

POSITIVE THINKING!

One month till Valentines Day... I will be 8 stone by then, i owe it to myself xxx

Complete turn around...help!

So for months I have been restrictin what i eat, which basically means i fast 6 days a week and then on the 7th day eat something if i cant stop fainting or if its impacting negatively on my studying.

Ive never been a true binge eater. When i eat i feel like ive binged, but if i use the logical part of my brain i know ive actually eaten less than a 'normal' person without an ed would.
Now however. Im definately bingeing. The last 2 weeks ive eaten SO MUCH and i dont know why! When im doing it i hate myself for it and i know its going to make me feel even worse afterwards but i just.cant.stop. Afterwards i will feel ill for several hours, but then i will be hungry and binge.again.
And the worst thing about it is im not vomiting. Sometimes i am if i drink loads of water i just vomit naturally, but i havent stuck my fingers down my throat in yonks.
This scares me.
And its not even like oh there is food there i might as well eat it. I dont HAVE food in my house because I DONT EAT. usually. so recently when ive been bingeing ive had to make a special trip to the shop. you would think the more effort i have to go to to get my hands on food the more opportuinities id have to stop myself. yet i do it anyway.
and i hate it. i dont know why this is happening to me. i feel like the weakest piece of dirt on this planet. bingeing is so shameful. when i fast i feel inner pride. its not something i go shouting about,im embarrassed when people question my lack of eating, but thats still better than being seen eating. I hate eating in public even just fruit, let alone bingeing.
I hate people looking in my shopping bags when i got food in them, i hate eating in front of people.
I'm weird.

Ive been trying to come up with reasons why ive gone from fasting to eating everything and anything.
The only explanation i can think of is that i have an appointment with the ED centre on Tuesday and IM TERRIFIED. at first i wanted treated so the upcoming appointment was extra motivation to keep my bmi down. Then i realised what treatment means. Its not a magic cure where suddenly ill feel fine eating and my life will be as good as it is when im fasting. Treatment would mean a complete lack of control, someone else telling me what i have to eat and when, a chaotic life.
So i think what has happened is ive had a complete freak out at that prospect. After a year of waiting for the referral to go through and wanting help so much,ive now decided that is the worst thing that could happen, so ive been eating eating eating, to prove to somebody,maybe me,maybe my friends,that i CAN eat,i DONT need help, IM NORMAL.
im not kidding anybody. whats normal about going from eating nothing to eating nothing and then spending days in bed afterwards because of the depression that hits me after food intake? whats normal about being so secretive about what i do eat when i eat and almost crying when someone helps themselves to some of my food?i feel so selfish for not being able to share,but its like,i have to build myself up to eat,and if ive managed to persuade myself to eat,and spent hours plannign what im going to eat,how and when,for someone to the come along willynilly and shove their hands in my carefully planned meal...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
and then of course im bombarded with more feelings of guilt,feeling like a bad person,a selfish person,a freak, so it makes my eating habits worse.

today is sunday and i just ate this:

ok so i only ate half of it, but i feel like the most disgusting person on the planet. i havent eaten pasta in forever. i hate pasta. its scary, i hate how you eat it and feel full but then it continues to expandddddd in your stomach so you think youre going to burst. and its so chokeable on when you try to vom it up.
ok so i just ate half a bowl of pasta and feel like ive binged my face out. i realise logically that for some people thats smaller than a normal portion, but im now so ashamed of myself that i am dreading leaving the house tomorrow,convinced people will look at me the fat girl and SOMEHOW KNOW that i was greedy enough to eat half a bowl of pasta. i cant eat in front of people because i feel like im being stared at and everyone must be thinking: why is see eating when she is already that fat?

im 21. ive spent the last 2 weeks of eating/bingeing/whatever it is when i dont fast, depressed. hiding in bed. ashamed of myself. declining invites out because i feel to selfconcious and embarrassed. im 21,i should be out there living life to the full! and when i fast i do! whne i fast i have uber amounts of energy and feel amazing! so tomorrow is a new week a new beginning a new start. tomorrow my fast begins again.

S

I want to write about the guy i thought i was in love with, because he has influenced me so massively the last two years and has a big hold over me. I know i'll mention him a lot in future posts so here is another introduction, to him.

When i met this guy it was like something out of a film. Love at first sight i thought. It was at my birthday meal. I was struggling because to socialise food seems to be required and it was my birthday so all eyes were on me so i had to eat. One of the friends id invited showed up with some other people, on my course at uni, one of whom id never even seen around before in the whole 2 months we had been at uni. I dont think ill ever forget how i felt when i saw him. He was so beautiful, i know it sounds cliche but i was just blown away and couldnt stop staring at him. He was so different to any guy id ever met or fancied before. He is asian, before uni i'd only ever seen caucasians, let alone fancied a non caucasian.

I sat with him for the rest of the night, and when someone took a picture of us it seemed so natural to hug him even though we had only just met. That photo- i look genuinely happy.

Things moved pretty fast. A week or so later he came over to mine and we were pretty much seeing each other from then onwads although we decided to not be official till January as we had a month off for xmas and wouldnt see each other.

He was amazing but that term was the worst ever. My friends and family say theyve never seen me so depressed. I barely left my room at uni, skipped most lectures, slept loads, and failed my first ever exam. I felt like he was the only thing that kept me afloat, yet everyone else says he was what was dragging me down.
I didnt leave my room because i felt too fat and ugly, and i thought he made me happy because he told me i was beautiful. But actually he did the opposite. It sounds so silly to whinge about these things but it had a profound effect on me....he would say little things like...oh why dont you do your hair like this today or do your makeup like so and so...so id put on more makeup then next day he would say ew youre wearing too much makeup you look better more natural...but then next day he would complain i made no effort for him because i hadnt 'bothered' to put on makeup. he would call me curvy etc and then when i eventually got him to tell me his honest opinion he admitted he thought i was fat. to this very day he claims i forced him to say it,but all i did was force him to be honest, i didnt put the words ''you are fat'' into his mouth, i just told him to be honest, and thats what he said.

he would say stuff like he wished i would dress sexier so he could be proud of me at uni,and on nights out he would comment that he wished i could dance like one of my friends who is a drama student and an amazing dancer. these things seem so petty but over several months,considering i was already insecure,these things destroyed me so much that i locked myself in my room and if i had to go into uni id go either rly early or rly late in the hope i wouldnt see anyone i knew.

i was completely and utterly in love with him. he was the first and only person ive ever confided in about everyyyyy single aspect of my past. and he is so understanding. i sometimes have freakouts, and whilst at first they scared him,he stuck by me and very rarely makes me feel like the freak i am. i dont know what id do without him. i went through a stage of having nightmares and flashbacks most nights,and he was always there to comfort me. he is such a caring incredible person. he is the only male ive ever trusted with everything. i truly did love him and it scared me to think that i wont be able to marry him (he is muslim, long story) and that i will therefore never be truly happy because noone else will be as amazing as him and i will never trust anyone like i can trust him.

it is because i loved him so much that i treated him so badly. ive discussed this with the counsellor lady and she said its classic. when youve had a traumatic past you push people away if they get too close. i know i do this because ive done it with previous boyfriends, but i always thought thats because i didnt care about them and i didnt want to have to have sex with them. yet he is different. i want to be with him forever, so why do i treat him so badly? i said the most horrific things to him, made up lies about how i didnt care, how i didnt love him,even made up lies that id got with other people,just to make him hate me. yet he didnt hate me,and that made it worse. i dont feel i deserve to be loved by anyone let alone someone as amazing as him. i pushed him and pushed him and eventually i broke up with him.

my friends and family were relieved. over the easter holidays after the break up they saw me come out of my shell and my confidence grow again, but i was so unhappy. i found myself getting with 2 guys that disgusted me. i knew theyd fancied me for ages, and i found them repulsive, yet i let them kiss me. im weird with guys. when i dont like them im either really rude and violent (slapping etc) or i completely freak and go weird and just let them do whatever they want and i just pretend im not there and its not happening. this is how ive been with men all my life. i just wish i had the strength to stand up for myself this time.
because i got with these 2 guys he thinks i cheated on him,obviously we werent together so i didnt,but i did betray his love and his heart and i will never forgive myself.

i had a new boyfriend very briefly in the summer, but it was when i was just starting to get treatment and i decided i might as well be honest from the start so i told him about my ed. he made me realise how even more amazing than i already thought this other guy was was. he was so unsupportive, didnt understand at all,tried to force me into eating etc,refused to pay for meals if i vomited,refused to do things if he knew i hadnt eaten,yelled at me in public in restaurents etc about it making awkward situations for me. so he was a twat about my ed but that aside he was just wrong for me in general. i only dated him because all he did was compliment me 24/7 and it was amazing to feel attractive after months of feeling id never be good enough for the guy i loved,that i was always wearing the wrong clothes/makeup/hair and was the wrong skin colour and religion. the entire few weeks i was with this other guy i spent most the time wishing it was the guy i loved. my phone would buzz and i was disappointed when it was the wrong guy. i couldnt be bothered to go see him just a hour away,would rather have driven 4 hours to see the guy i loved.
it ended after a few weeks but i wish id never gone there in first place. now the guy i love will never believe how much i love him.

in western culture its quite normal for people to have several boyfriends and so on, but in his it isnt. i was his first girlfriend and he cant undertsand how if i loved him i could have dated someone else. i do see his point of view, if i were a normal person, but im not. i completely disassociate myself from situations. i didnt feel like i was dating the other guy, i felt like i was still with the guy i loved, yet i was apparently this other guys girlfriend and i still have no idea when that became the case.

there are whole sections of my life that my brains wipes out. i know its a coping mechanism,but my brain does it wrong! it hasnt wiped out my traumatic childhood, yet it wipes out arguments ive had, things ive done wrong etc,and its awful because then i cant explain why i did them because i dont remember doing them!
how can i explain to the love of my life i have no idea what happened the few weeks i was dating the other guy because i 'dont remember'?! it just isnt believable! yet all i remember is feeling more attractive because he complimented me, being angry with him for not being the guy i loved, and eventually ending it when i sort of 'clicked' back into my life and realised what was going on.
that happens quite often. people say im aloof. i sort of breeze through life without realising whats going on for weeks at a time quite often, then suddenly its like im back on earth and when people ask what ive been doing ill honestly not be able to remember anything from the previous week or so.
im so weird!

anyway...to the now...

things are still on and off with this guy that im in love with, but we will never be together officially because of what happened last term.
i basically couldnt cope with not being his official girlfriend yet basically being his girlfriend,i hated feeling used etc, so again i made up lies to him in the hope it would force him into being over me and moving on. i told him i fell out of love with him a while ago and i didnt care about him anymore etc.
he at first seemed happy and relieved and was like oh good now i dont feel bad about hurting your feelings because ive actually been over you for ages too.
this obviously upset me but i was happy for him and glad my lies had worked.
but then he got angry and went mental at me.

here's a list of the stuff he said which are the reasons my ed has got so bad and why i can never ever be with the guy of my dreams:

i never loved you i was just using you for sex
its hilarious you get help for an ed when you're so fat
i had to go strip club to be able to have sex with you because you're so fat and ugly
i cant believe you actually thought a guy like me would love someone as ugly as you
fat fat fat ugly ugly ugly

etc

basically he tore into all my insecurities and everything id every confided in him about my eating disorder. he betrayed my trust. he has since said he said it all in anger and never meant it.
but now i can never believe a compliment he says, when he says im looking skinny i think back to when he said i was fat, when he says im beautiful i remember how he said it was funny when i believed that he fancied me. im too embarrassed to confide in him about my ed now,yet he was the only person i talked to about it properly.

things between us will never be the same. i hate leaving my house anyway because i feel so fat and ugly, but whereas i used to dread going into uni because people in general would see my big fat ugly self, now when i walk through the medical school im dreading bumping into him and the thoughts that must go through his mind of how disgusting it is that he kissed me and told me he loved me how could he stoop that low?

i loved him so much but i know he is bad for me. it is so confusing. i want to be thin for him so that i feel worthy of him,but at same time i know ill never be with him because i can never trust him again and will never feel comfortable with my appearance in front of him. i feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie, yet im aware how wearisome this must be for him.

he knows me better than anybody. he has made me realise i only ever believe bad things about myself.
he can say to be you're not fat you're just curvy if you toned up you'd be perfect, and i will see that as him calling me fat and flabby but trying to be polite about it.
when he tries to compliment me by saying i look slim or thin ill latch on to the fact he hasnt used the word skinny and immediately think he thinks im fat.
when he says i look pretty i think he is being saracastic. if he compliments my clothes i panic he is implying i should change into something nicer.

one day i would like to believe in myself. then maybe i will believe that others are capable of believing in me too.

But for now i only know one thing, i loved him with all my heart.