I am blogging because I want to die.
I am sat here with the 84 fluoxetine that the Dr just gave me, wondering if i took them all right now, all at once would this shit be over once and for all or would i just have liver failure and a even more miserable life? What an ungrateful cow i am. I have an amazing life yet here i am wanting to end it. Im fucking alive. He is gone. And noone will tell me what happened. This girl i know knows what happened and wont tell me. She is being so selfrighteous. Saying confidentiality blah blah. She wasnt his Dr. SHE DIDNT EVEN KNOW HIM! HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND, i have a right to know how and why he died, surely?
I cant believe she wont tell me. Me and all my friends here neeeeeed to know. We need answers. We cant grieve till we know what we are grieving for. We know something weird happened. We know he changed. And we know he is dead. I also know i really cared about him so much, and it doesnt matter how long or little i knew him, I knew him, i was close to him, i miss him. I cant have closure till i know.
Here i am, a 21year old wanting to be gone, yet he is gone, an amazing 22 year old. Did he commit suicide? By contemplating it would i be putting my friends and family through the same? Would anyone even care?
I just had an awful dr appointment in which i got told ive gained 5kg and so im healthy and the dr is really happy. I cant stop crying. I cannot take this grief, this stress about my supposed ED and the bigger dose of fluoxetine and studying etc when im so fat. I cant do it. I just want to die. But i cant kill myself because i refuse to die fat. I dont want a special persons coffin.
Why am i so selfish? Why cant i cope? Why am i suicidal when i have such an amazing life? I am so ungrateful and selfish. Im such a bad person. Which just makes me want to die even more.
I cant do this.
cherish life and good health. cherish every living moment because it's a gift. this body is temporary , we will all meet death and that will be the end of our bodies. what's really yours and will last forever is your soul which has no shape/size/weight. your soul is you, and it's not what you see in the mirror, it's what you see In your heart.
ReplyDeletethank you.
ReplyDeletethe problem with that is that my soul is evil and my heart is black. im a bad person, everything i do i do badly, everyone i know i hurt, particularly those i love most.
people say ed's are a form of selfharm,punishment.if that is so then i see noway ill ever be free of it unless i magically become a nice person,but with this ed i cant be,it makes me selfish,reclusive,depressed,boring,rude,selfish selfish selfish. sorry ranting!x
Your soul is not evil and i am sure your heart is not black as a black heart or an evil soul can't feel love whereas you obviously love S. I think you judge yourself to make yourself feel that your a bad person so you can punish yourself . You have a good soul and a loving heart. You have made mistakes but who hasn't, I have done some questionable things too. Your young, talented and have your whole life ahead of you, like you said yourself you should be more grateful. What's in the past you can change, but you can take control of your future. Don't let your past take control of your future. Be strong lulu.
ReplyDeleteWhat's in the past you can't change, but you can take control of your future
ReplyDelete