Ive never been a true binge eater. When i eat i feel like ive binged, but if i use the logical part of my brain i know ive actually eaten less than a 'normal' person without an ed would.
Now however. Im definately bingeing. The last 2 weeks ive eaten SO MUCH and i dont know why! When im doing it i hate myself for it and i know its going to make me feel even worse afterwards but i just.cant.stop. Afterwards i will feel ill for several hours, but then i will be hungry and binge.again.
And the worst thing about it is im not vomiting. Sometimes i am if i drink loads of water i just vomit naturally, but i havent stuck my fingers down my throat in yonks.
This scares me.
And its not even like oh there is food there i might as well eat it. I dont HAVE food in my house because I DONT EAT. usually. so recently when ive been bingeing ive had to make a special trip to the shop. you would think the more effort i have to go to to get my hands on food the more opportuinities id have to stop myself. yet i do it anyway.
and i hate it. i dont know why this is happening to me. i feel like the weakest piece of dirt on this planet. bingeing is so shameful. when i fast i feel inner pride. its not something i go shouting about,im embarrassed when people question my lack of eating, but thats still better than being seen eating. I hate eating in public even just fruit, let alone bingeing.
I hate people looking in my shopping bags when i got food in them, i hate eating in front of people.
I'm weird.
Ive been trying to come up with reasons why ive gone from fasting to eating everything and anything.
The only explanation i can think of is that i have an appointment with the ED centre on Tuesday and IM TERRIFIED. at first i wanted treated so the upcoming appointment was extra motivation to keep my bmi down. Then i realised what treatment means. Its not a magic cure where suddenly ill feel fine eating and my life will be as good as it is when im fasting. Treatment would mean a complete lack of control, someone else telling me what i have to eat and when, a chaotic life.
So i think what has happened is ive had a complete freak out at that prospect. After a year of waiting for the referral to go through and wanting help so much,ive now decided that is the worst thing that could happen, so ive been eating eating eating, to prove to somebody,maybe me,maybe my friends,that i CAN eat,i DONT need help, IM NORMAL.
im not kidding anybody. whats normal about going from eating nothing to eating nothing and then spending days in bed afterwards because of the depression that hits me after food intake? whats normal about being so secretive about what i do eat when i eat and almost crying when someone helps themselves to some of my food?i feel so selfish for not being able to share,but its like,i have to build myself up to eat,and if ive managed to persuade myself to eat,and spent hours plannign what im going to eat,how and when,for someone to the come along willynilly and shove their hands in my carefully planned meal...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
and then of course im bombarded with more feelings of guilt,feeling like a bad person,a selfish person,a freak, so it makes my eating habits worse.
today is sunday and i just ate this:
ok so i just ate half a bowl of pasta and feel like ive binged my face out. i realise logically that for some people thats smaller than a normal portion, but im now so ashamed of myself that i am dreading leaving the house tomorrow,convinced people will look at me the fat girl and SOMEHOW KNOW that i was greedy enough to eat half a bowl of pasta. i cant eat in front of people because i feel like im being stared at and everyone must be thinking: why is see eating when she is already that fat?
im 21. ive spent the last 2 weeks of eating/bingeing/whatever it is when i dont fast, depressed. hiding in bed. ashamed of myself. declining invites out because i feel to selfconcious and embarrassed. im 21,i should be out there living life to the full! and when i fast i do! whne i fast i have uber amounts of energy and feel amazing! so tomorrow is a new week a new beginning a new start. tomorrow my fast begins again.
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