I hate myself. I am so stupid. I always get upset by things i could have prevented. Why did i fall for someone who couldn't care less about me? How many times will it hurt me yet i will continue to pine after him hoping that this time is the time he will be the perfect guy and not hurt me?
I know that even if he once loved me he doesnt anymore. I know i get in his way and he finds me annoying and its too much effort for him to see me anymore unless he thinks he is going to get sex out of it. Yet i continue to hope that one day we will be together.
Today a mutual friend told me what S has been up to...commenting on which girls are hot, flirting with them all, putting me down and laughing along with jokes other people make about me, talking about our private sex lives in a way which is derogotary to me... the worst thing is he has done it before and denied it even though i've seen the evidence on facebook/texts. So when he cant get out of it he uses the excuse 'oh it was just jokes we were just being lads' as if that makes any difference?! as my friends always remind me, if he loved me he wouldnt care what his friends thought, he would stick up for me and not make inappropriate jokes just to make himself look cool.
If he loved me he would put the past behind us and move in for a happy future. I can put the fact that he has made my ED worse than ever to the back of my mind because i love him and i dont blame him. it is my love for him that is making my ed worse, because i want him to love me and want me and need me more than anyone else and the only way i feel i can succeed is by being skinny.
if i see him talking to any girl, i dont immediately think oh he is flirting with her im jealous, but i do think, that girls skinnier than me and use that as motivation to keep fasting. its like im not jealous of girls he is with on a day to day basis but if i see him with a particularly skinnnnny girl,even if she is ugly, i will be extra motivated not to eat.
the funny thing is he claims not to like skinny girls.and i do believe him because when we were broken up the girls he flirted with were fat. but eve though he claims not to like skinny girls i cant get it out my head that if i were skinny everything would be better and he would want me again.
i know he and i are never going to be together again whether im fat normal or skinny. but the only way i can cope with that is by focussing all my thoughts on fasting. if im focussing on studying and not eating i dont have much space left in my brain to get upset by not being with him. and if like today something happens to upset me i automatically think dont worry, its ok, this is just a sign that i cant eat until next week, thats ok, its a good thing this happened, im fat and i dont deserve him so this is why this has happened and im glad it happened because its extra motivation to get my fat arse into gear.
ive realised something has changed inside me. my goal used to be 8 stone but ive realised even close to that im far from happy, now my goal is 7 and a half...which would make be very ill given the fact im quite tall.
but i dont care.
i want to be thin. then he will love me. and i might love myself.
no matter how much he hurts me i will stick by him. because i love him. i am nothing without him. plus. he feeds my ed. whether im with him or not. he is in my head. telling me how disgusting and ugly and fat i am. its funny. the voice inside my head never used to sound a certain way. now its his voice in my head. and it hurts. but its my own fault for being such a FAT PIG. yuck. ergh.
have you ever want to just float away out of your body? i wish i could detach myself from my body, and not be weighed down by its grossness. i want to be free.
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