Dream...

I wish i could go somewhere for a month, with other people with ED's (not in recovery), or even extreme dieters, i dont care. To go somewhere for a month where i can fast, not feel pressured to eat, not have any studying to do which involves needing food for concentration, no concerned friends or family trying to get me to eat. To be in an environment for a month, even 2 weeks, where everyone is just as weird as me, where i can eat nothing for as long as i want and not feel guilty when people ask me when i last ate and not have to lie about it. I realise how 'pro' this sounds. But i would love it. Ever seen those fat camp tv shows? I sometimes wish my bmi was overweight so i could qualify to go to a place like that where they actively encourage you to lose weight and you're on a strict diet and exercise regime.

Im tempted to book myself a holiday somewhere where i can just not eat for at least a forthnight,but have access to a gym or somewhere nice to run (if its a warm country of ill get wheezy running outdoors lol) and not have to do anything except not eat, exercise, relax. No studying to worry about.

I want to be a doctor so bad. But recently the desire to be thin is taking over... people are telling me if i dont sort myself out soon ill have to take medical leave from uni for a year because they wont let me continue like this.... half of me actually likes that idea....a whole yearrrrr with no commitments...a whole year in which to lose weight and get fit! But of course it wouldnt be like that because id have my mum on my case taking me to various therapies trying to get me healthy for my return.
I dont want to drop out for a year and i wont. But i have spent most of this term in bed! I know i will pass the exams because i thriveeeeee off revision Sounds so geeky but i love it. The reason im hating this term is because i cannot bearrrrrr essays and assignments where i have to thinkkkkk especially when the assignments are pointless,only doing them to pass them,they have no benefit to me whatsoever,so i have no motivation to do them. So thats my worry, that ill fail the assignments and so have to come back in summer just to write a shitty essay!

I miss revision and exams! I miss having stuff to learn so i can bury myself in the library late every night! I know i could technically bury myself in library writing these assignments, but they are so boring and pointless and i dont have the energy.

This is my last day in bed. Tomorrow im on wards again. Weekend ill get the first assignment done. Then next week will be a good week. I hope.