The truth

Hello.

So I realised something. There is nothing wrong with me! Apart from being fat obviously. But yah. I'm not ''eating disordered not otherwise specified'. I dont have an eating disorder! I've just been on one big fat failure of a diet the last ten years! Now i can see people thinking erm how can someone failure at a diet for ten years? Well its because i lose, gain, lose gain. Ive got to stop gaining! And the only reason i ever gain is because people convince me im sick, convince me there is something abnormal about me not eating and convince me i should eat and i get scared that they might be right and maybe i do need to eat maybe the fact i sometimes faint up to 4x a day means i should eat and maybe i have lost the weight my scales say i have even though i always look the same if not fatter.

But now ive realised. Im just a weak fat fuck who has been on this pathetic diet far too long. It has got to stop!
From now on. No eating. It is pretty simply. They call me eating disordered? I'll give them eating disordered. Why would someone who hates themselves and think theyre fat eat/binge? Its so so stupid. Everything is my own fault. When i fast im happy. So why did i ever eat? Out of guilt. Because ive grown up in a piggish society where it is normal to eat yourselves to death. That grosses me out. Starving to death however doesnt gross me out, it saddens me, but id rather die of being thin than of being fat.

Im going to stop the ED thoughts in my brain everyday because the truth is i dont have one, i think ive been too selfobsessed all my life, too absorbed in the things that happened to me from the moment i was born in an ambulance out of a druggie teenagers fanny to most the way through my teens. I need to stop living in the past. Stop blaming the past for everything. The truth is my life sucks because im fat. My life is perfect, ive got everything i ever wanted, im where i always wanted to be in life.
Yet im not happy. Why? Because im fat. And its disgusting. And ive got to stop kidding myself its ok to be fat because its a disorder so i supposedly 'cant help it'. It is time i took back control.

I CONTROL THIS. Food no longer controls me. I dont want it. So i wont have it.
End of.
I am fat so i am on a diet.
I do not have an eating disorder.
Im fine.
And when im skinny ill be perfect.