Death

A girl with Anorexia at my medical school has just died. She was in 4th year and i'm only in 2nd year so i didn't know her personally but my ex did...
he contacted me, for support i think, about the fact he had known her personally (we were all emailed by staff offering counselling etc) and that he was upset and so on... i asked him how she died (at that point not knowing anything about her) and he said she was anorexic... it then transpired he didnt know what she died of but has just assumed it was a complication from her ED...
as soon as i heard that i immediately felt completely the wrong emotions...when i initially heard of her death i felt sadness, but when i heard she had been anorexic, but immediate emotion was...and im so ashamed of this...jealousy.
i was overwhelmed by feelings that this girl i didnt even know must have been so much thinner than me (even when i was at my low weight) so much more disciplined and must have had so much more selfcontrol. i was angry at my ex for telling me he had seen her getting thinner and thinner,because it was at the time i got down to my low weight and he said i was scarily thin,yet all i can now think is that he was lying because he knew a girl that was so thin she died, so he must have thought i was obese compared to her.
its ridiculous, because he probably didnt think that,and if he did it really doesnt matter. what matters is that there was a girl here, who i didnt even know, but who probably lived on my road, walked the same route into medschool everyday, probably received treatment at the same clinic as me, who did it SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME. ridiculous way of thinking...i dont want to die..i dont want to be ill...yet knowing she quite probably died from her ED makes me think- she was better at it than me...stupid stupid me.
i hate my brain.
and then the other part of me is consumed by guilt...not only because of these feelings of jealousy...but the fact that im receiving treatment at this clinic even though my BMI has now increased to 20! i cant help but think well she died because i was taking up her place at the clinic, i dont need treatment, she did and other people out there do, yet im being selfish taking up their place when im too fat to need help.
ergh.
im all over the place and i didnt even know her.
i am so sad for her family and friends, and for her, although knowing what it is like having an ED maybe its a relief but i cannot comment because i didnt know her or what she was experiencing...
i just...i dont want to die...especially not from my ED because that would mean it had won...but on the other hand...maybe the only way ill see myself as a success is if this wins? because im a straight A grade student,always top of everything,im at med school,im (supposedly) a talented pianist and singer, i play loads of sports, im (apparently) a really nice girl...all this adds up to tell me on paper im successful...yet i dont feel it...i only feel success when empty...so ultimate success is my ed winning...
IM SO CONFUSED.