F.A.T

I have engraved the word ''FAT'' into my wrist.

I like it. I've wanted a tattoo of either 'tears of red' in very small italic or 'FAT' in bold capitals for years, but wanting to be a doctor means this would be kind of inappropriate, especially wth the bare below the elbows policy meaning i couldnt cover it up. Plus tattoos are for show whereas this is for me. I'll keep it covered till it heals to a nice white scar that only i can see because i know it is there. I love it.

I dont count it as self harm because i didnt do it to numb my feelings like i used to. I have no reason to do that right now because i have no feelings. I am me and i dont eat yet i am fat. That is all there is to me. The only emotion in me is guilt, but i try to limit it because it only makes me depressed, but guilt is also good as it fuels my desire not to eat. Whenever i feel a little bit happier i can slip into eating again as routine, and that is a very bad thing.

My wrist is stinging as i write this but that is ok, that was its point, to remind me, not that i need reminding, that i am fat. It was ingrained into me anyway, years old scarring of the knowledge i am fat, but somehow having it written on me helps and comforts me that im not stupid, these people who say im 'scarily skinny' and looking like, quote B 'a horrific cadaver' are lying to me and trying to make me look like a fool by eating even though im fat.

When i see fat people on the street i cant help but look at them strangely. If i get caught doing it i know people think im lookingat them in pty, but really it is a sort of acknowledgement- youre fat, im fat, maybe we know how each other feels.

Yet i always assume that person got so fat by eating too much. Yet i know medically i dont eat enough. So how did i get this size? That i will never understand.

Yesterday i tried on a size 10 dress i bought last summer as a celebration of my initial weight loss. The occasion never arose to wear it/ i was too selfconcious because its strapless. It falls off now. As in even a size 8 would be too big, i would need a size 6, yet i know im not a size 6 and even though most my clothes are size 8 that fit me now i also know im not a size 8, i cant be, im not that 'size 8' girl. Ive always dreamt of being, but i never will be.

Also on friday but skirt and shirt for placement on wards were baggy and the belt that came with the skirt wouldnt do up tight enough. i punched a new hole in it but it looked stupid as the end bit hanging off was too long. So i had to wear a big thick belt which was really wide so could hide the folds of my skirt where it bags up from being baggy under it...what i dont get is how my clothes can be so baggy yet me the same size as last year when i was more than 2 stone heavier?