Update!

Hello hello!
Sorry i havent written in ages...everythings been crazzzzy busy recently. I've been attempting fasting february as i said in my last post. Ruddy annoying in that i have eaten. Thanks to the new boyfriend. Shock horror? I love S right so why am i now dating someone else?

Well. I broke up with him last March over how shit he made me feel about myself. A year later and he still makes me feel shit about myself so not only did i a week or so ago give up waiting for him to take me back (for NOT cheating on him even though he is adamant it counts as cheating even though we had broken up months before), i waited a year for him to take me back for something i didnt even do wrong, then i realise hang on, the original reason i ended it with him is still there- he makes me really insecure. So why wait for something i dont even want?!
Ive waited for him for a year because i thought i was still in love with him and that that was enough to overcome how shit he makes me feel about myself.
But then i met someone who made me for the first time since i met S, not only feel good about myself, but regain some confidence, and actually start to believe that S is the crazy one not me. When i feel shit about myself he usually says ive misinterpreted something he has said, or that im crazy and its the EDNOS talking. But talking to my mum and friends i know its not.
If anyone confided in the man they planned to marry about their eating disorder and body dysmorphia and then he turned round and told you its funny i get treatment for EDNOS when im so fat and how could i seriously believe he loved me when im so fat and ugly and that he struggled to have sex to me (when he told me he was making love originally) because im too ugly for him to be aroused...i think anyone that that happened to on top of already ending the relationship months earlier because of hurtful comments about my appearance, anyone would feel shit,surely?
So talking it through with people i realised im not crazy. I have an eating disorder yes. But it is worst when he is in my life. A few days after i told him i was ready to move on and just be friends with him i saw him in a shop when my friends and i were buying pick and mix...it was meant to be my treat,id been fasting for days in preparation. Then i saw him, and i dont even know if he saw me but i immediately started sobbing and struggling to breath and got really hot and bothered and had to leave the shop because i was having a full blown freak out about the fact he thinks im fat and then he'd see me buying and potentially eating not just food but unhealthy food.

anyway so point being i realise i wasnt in love with him anymore. i dont blame him for anything though because whilst he preyed on my insecurities it was my fault for opening up to him in the first place. and i was too weak to stand up for myself,not only because i believed all the bad things he said or implied, but because i think i WANTED to believe them because HE HELPED ME MOTIVATE MYSELF NOT TO EAT. so whilst i cried most days about him, i was actually grateful to him. and i still am. i may not be in love with him anymore but i do think i will always love him. but i am questioning that love.is it right to love someone just because they are the only person in the world that agrees with my supposedly ''mentally ill'' thoughts about me being fat? is it so wrong to side with the one person who tells you your thoughts are right and no you are not crazy you are just fat?
the people that know the situation have told me he is just power hungry and he knows my vunerabilities and attacked them because he likes being in control of me. yet he always blamed me for being controlling!

anyway, enough of S.

new boyfriend is lovely. he was one of my best friends to start with and when i realised the attraction was there and mutual i 1-still loved S,2-didnt think i stood a chance and 3-didnt want to risk ruining our friendship.
but luckily it has all worked out! ive met his entire family...including aunts uncles grandma haha and he has met my mum and the entire side of my dads family! i know people will think thats pretty quick but because we were so close as friends before it makes it more intense from the start because id already met him fam as his friend and we already knew everything about each other and had both been holding back the feelings...
so to now...he asked me out officially on valentines day and it was so romantic and i literally had the best day of my life,my mouth was aching from smiling! i felt so loved so wanted, even a little bit attractive?!

i told him about my EDNOS a few days after he asked me out. he already knew from being such a close friend that i had 'food issues' but he apparently didnt realise the full extent. i would have told him as a good friend sometime anyway but i felt as my bf he had the right to know asap incase he wanted to do a runner!

he is sticking by me though and is amazing...i wake up to hidden notes and alarms telling me im beautiful and so on, and all the time he is complimenting me, but unlike with S, it feels genuine.
problem now is im fasting completely again and he is freaking out on me....ive been honest and said look if you dont stop pestering me to eat ill make it impossible for you to pester me-ie yes i will break up with you over this, my ED comes before anything and anyone. so selfish. but thats my current state.
today after trying everything he then tells me i should eat because ive got badbreath....i was like shizzzzlesssss haha! i hadnt even smelt it! but i do know from lack of food and dehydration you can get smelly breath but id always assumed id notice?!! anyway then we were sat researching the implications of fasting on badbreath haha and he was giving me all the scientific reasons for empty stomach=acid=bacteria buildup blahblah but i was jst thinking arghhh quick i need to get home brush teeth! but i know brushing teeth wont help as its not that ive eaten something smelly,the smells coming from my empty stomach...ew!

but im just chewing gum constantly to try cover it up because yeppppp id rather have bad breath than be fat!

im really happy at the moment. been fasting so empty stomach so loads of energy and lots of motivation so im studying really hard and loving it! and the weights dropping off whoop whoop....argh that reminds me i need to book bloodtest...ive put it off for almost 3 weeks now :s i have a drawer full of bloodforms from not attending appointments :s i just hate being told im anaemic when im this fat its ridiculous!

anyway i have work to do. love x