Who is Lula?

Lula isn't my real name, it is one of the nicknames I had as a child.
I'm 21 and in my second year of medical school.
Try never having to do any work your entire life to get A grades, try understand crying when you get less than 90% in a test, then go to medical school...suddenly you are the dumbest person on the planet.




I used to be good at everything, top of everything... academics, sport, music...
Now the only thing i'm good at is not eating... and i even fail at that sometimes.

I was diagnosed with Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) one year ago but i've had it since I was 11, and my eating has been pretty disordered certainly as far back as I can remember...since i was at least 5.

I hate myself. I am insecure and have low selfesteem. I don't feel I deserve love, kindness, success. I'm pretty sure i have Body Dysmorphia Disorder (BDD) but im too scared to mention it to my doctor in case she tells me i dont and what i see in the mirror is real.

I got put on fluoextine antidepressants a few months ago but i don't take them because i dont believe i have depression as i only get depressed when i eat.

I selfharmed from the age of 13-18ish. Everyday on my wrists for a few years, once with intention to die which resulted in treatment. On and off on my upper thigh in more recent years, but nowadays i get the buzz i used to get from cutting from fasting.

I usually fast but recently ive started to binge and i hate it. I cant make myself vomit anymore but now my leg is better im trying to exercise as purging instead of vomiting. Really i just want to fast again.

Ive dreamt of being thin my entire life. Diaries i wrote when i was 11 list my dreams as:

get into medical school
qualify as a doctor
be skinny.

Until i succeed in those dreams i am lost.