Everything has been so weird the last 3 weeks.
The first 2 i binged which is unheard of for me. According to people that saw what i ate it wasnt bingeing but it felt like it for me and i gained masses.
Then this 3rd week ive fasted. But i am SO depressed. like. struggling to get out of bed, not because of my usual weak/faintingess, but like so down that i cant even be bothered to shower. i keep cancelling on friends because between them inviting me wherever and it reaching the time i have to get ready my moods dropped and ive spent the hours waiting panicking about what im going to wear that wont make me look as fat as i am, comparing myself to the people who will be there, who is fatter than me who is skinner than me.
Im meant to have uni 9-4 tomorrow but im not going to go, because im struggling to dash from my room to the loo 3 feet away without being seen by my housemates, let alone having the energy to shower and go downstairs or leave my house...i know i sound like a crazy kid...and i really think i am...ive become so freaked out by what i look like that im so terrified of people seeing me that i would rather stay in my room alone days on end and selfteach myself my medical degree than go into uni. last week i was managing to get p at 6am to get to the gym before many people were there so i didnt have to be seen,because im too embarrassed by what i look like to even walk in streets without thinking everyones thinking how disgusting i am.
yet in just a week my brains declined so much that even though i know exercising makes me happier and makes me lose faster i just cant face the 5min walk from my house to the gym. feck i cant even walk downstairs in my own house!
ideal situation? to wear a burkha. i know that would offend soo many people because im not officially muslim but come on...i can say the things i need to say to god that tell him i believe and so on, as if he doesnt know already lol! with religion i dont get the point in the rules,particularly the people that follow some of them but not all of them but then pretend they do...its like well god knows everything so its silly to pretend, just be honest or you're lying! anyway, id love to be from a culture where everyone wore baggy dresses and only showed slits for eyes. if i wore that here everyone would stare at me even more than they do already because im so pale and have stupid blue eyes so it would be like oooo white muslim or whatever. its one of the reasons ive given up 'showing' an interest in islam for now. i got stared at whereverrrrrr i went.
white girl with blonde hair and big blue eyes in a mosque? gets stared at, with AND without headscarf. i make the women stare and the men feel uncomfortable. i feel peaceful when i go to prayer room alone, but praying as a community is meant to be great, but i get frigging stared at! and im knelt there like ermmm will you please concentrate on whats being said rather than distracting me by staring at me?! ok little kids fine...big fat white girl with scary eyes descends upon them...i get it,kids stare...but the adults?! anyway point being i find peace in prayer but people take away my peace.
how pathetic is that, i want to be a dr, so im a people person, yet im basically terrified of people.
i avoid so many situations because im so embarrassed of how i look and scared to be seen!
im going to list things i avoid:
gym- only go early enough that i leave before 7am when most people arrive
uni-try to arrive late so i dont have to talk to anyone and can just sneak in quickly,sit,listen to lecture,leave
library-i go in,head down,try get to my corner which i always go to (i like routine lol) asap without being seen.
movie nights in-i always say yes,then cancel last minute because im scared i will lower the mood,or people will try make me eat takeaway or whatever.
meals out/dinner parties-decline straight away.food.dressing up/making effort.no way.
nights out clubbing etc-erghhhhhh.hate this because you cant go out without making effrt.u have to make effort but then people see u at yr best nd so u cant even use the excuse oh i jst woke up or dont have makeup on as excuse fr why u look so shit!
seeing friends in general/shopping/meeting for coffee etc-no no no! why wld i want to socialise and make up stuff about how great everything is?! everything is great,i love uni,yet im a big fat depressed cow who is clearly selfish for being so unhappy just because she is fat!
people are dying.
people are permanently disabled (ok so legally i come under that category but i mean like severely incapacitated)
people go through soooo much more than me.
yet i lie in bed days on end wallowing in self pity.
and the fact i know how pathetic that is just makes my guilt/selfhatred even worse.
and you know what. dooo people go through worse than me? i bet people look at me and think wow she has the most amazing life.
here is what people see:
only child, spoilt by upper middle class parents who are happily married
attended private boarding schools all her life, priveledged upbringing, big house, huge garden, countryside life
no money issues. lived all her life in a very prim area-no drugs/stabbings/shooting/crime in general
got straight A grades throughout school without doing any work
played tennis/hockey/netball/squash/kayaking/athletics for her school, tennis/hockey/kayaking for local clubs, and county tennis.
partakes in physical challenges,marathons etc and raises thousands for charity.
horserides.
grade 8 piano and grade 6 singing by 14th birthday.
offers from 4 out of 4 medical schools. getting A grades in 2nd year of medschool.
well travelled. amazing gap year. expensive stuff.
loads of friends all from same upbringing, everyone from same little happy bubble.
blonde,big blue eyes,tall,curvaceous.
the perfect life right?
here is the truth:
born to a 15year old druggie mother in an ambulance, drug dealer father in prison.
aged 0-3 witnessed awful things including men chopping fingers off, murdering cats,in and out of hospital due to neglect.abuse.in and out of fostercare...more abuse.
age 4.adopted by amazing parents.but kidnapped.
age 6-12. abused in all the categories there are by brother. survived several strangulations.
age 13-15. lived in fear. rarely left house. harrassed constantly.
15. had to move house. change address, numbers,etc.
16-now. still live in fear. legal action taken.effects of my past with me everyday.
so yes. im blessed to have incredible parents who saved my life and have made me the strong person i know i am today. but even they cant change what happened to me before i could even walk or talk. or what continued to happen.
so people see this girl with 'the perfect life', supposedly clever, sporty, attractive, middle class, welleducated blah blah blah.
but remember. never assume. because everyone has skeletons in their closet. and trust me. i have even more than im willing to write here.
i write all that out,drag it from that place in my brain which i try not to think of. and then now ive remembered, relived it i think,yes,its ok,i deserve to be a little down,its ok to be a little self pitying.
then i remember no,its not.because noone knows. so a couple of family friends know about my 'violent' brother. a few know i had a complicated adoption. my parents know almost everything. but noone except ME knows everything ive gone through. IM the one tormented by the memories. IM the one who has sleepless nights of nightmares and flashbacks,who is sometimes so tired from the buzzing brain but dreads sleep because of the nightmares it brings.the nightmares which arent made up but are memories.
so i cant afford myself this time to wallow in misery.
things happen in life.
but i have the perfect life right? im going to be a doctor. im middle class. i have lots of friends and a supportive family. forget all the shit and im the happiest girl in the planet.
but that is what this is about right?
i cant forget.
who can forget that.
i wish i could write it out. what actually happened. but even after all these years im still too scared.
im going to stop before i have another freak out.
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