Failure.

Blood test results:

still hypochromically anaemic
low calcium
low egfr
high phosphate
high potassium

Awaiting results from another test... GP says i could have done permanent damage to my kidneys hence unbalanced electrolytes. She mentioned stage 1 renal failure. I freaked. So i wrote a list of rules after researching to avoid foods with phosphate and potassium...i tried to find a way to eat calcium but i hate milk and dairy so i cant...
but i decided that when i do eat itll be healthy because its junk that id have in a binge that has high phosphates.

my boyfriend wrote me a contract and we both signed it. the rules included attempt one meal a day with attempt defined as cook and serve even if you dont eat it....because otherwise its easy for me to say nah dont feel like it whereas if its cooked i might actually try some.

it lasted 3 days since finding out about my kidneys. i ate half a stiry fry every evening for 3 nights.
then it was my boyfriends night out for his birthday so at supper time everyone was predrinking so i didnt eat. then we had a bed day so i didnt have to eat. then he told me the best birthday present he could ask for was me eating 3 meals a day so i told him id try...in the end we woke up late and so had small breakfast then chicken for supper out with his family...

point is less than a week after finding out my kidneys are failing because of the way i treat my body ive already gone against my contract and given up eating/eating healthily. if i cant to it now how is the clinic going to help me with their meal plans? if knowing ive already caused myself harm isnt enough to stop this shit what is?

i feel like a failure. im fat yet have damaged my kidneys. how is that possible? organ failure is for anorexics. im fat.

my clothes are size 8 and my size 8 jeans are baggy. even after binges my bmi doesnt go higher than 18.7. therefore i know medically im not fat, yet i feel i look bigger than someone with bmi of 30.

when getting ready for boyfriends party i tried on several outfits and asked my housemates which were best.
they turned down my size 8 corset for being too baggy/big.
they turned down my fitted black dress for making me look like skeleton sideways.
thy turned down some tight skirt/top options because they claimed they could see my ribs.

yet all night i felt like a lump.
if im not a lump why do i feel and look like one?