B

B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B.

He is all i can think about. Ok so i lie but it wasnt really necessary to say that the other thing im thinking about is weight and food was it?! The only REAL (ie not my illnesses thoughts) thought im having is about B, and about my future. I am in no state to take my exam on Wednesday, not only am i fasting and dizzy and generally mental im just mental...i cant speak properly...B always says i sound like im having a stroke haha i mean to say a sentence and it comes out as the most random string of words or i read something out as something completely different and made up! Funny but scary...
and i have no concentration and generally im a nutcase. Not fit to be in uni.

Plus the fact i technically untechnically selfharmed again...i dont count it because i didnt do it to hurttttt myself i just did it to remindddd myself and there is a difference- any sane person reading this i promise you, there is actually a difference!
In doing so i realised quite how little ive been in the lab this term...0...so much so it took me about 10mins to connect the blade to my scapel handle thingy and then when i was trying to take it off i snapped it..oops...so now my up-until-today-brand-new-dissection-kit is broken and its only ever been used on a very much alive nutcase! haha...

ive started diagnosing myself with every mental thing on the planten. ive decided im bipolar. because i can have weeks of lying in bed starving then one afternoon ill be like you know what i want to go out. i did that with B yesterday and it was the best few hours ive had in forever. he makes me feel so carefree and smiley and CONFIDENT!!!

this is a secret......dont tell anyone.....we were walking through town and i caught a glance of this girl in a window and i was like phwoar i want her body....then i recognised the dress so in the next window i looked again...IT WAS ME!!!! of course once i realised it was me i didnt want the body so badly but i cant say i thought i looked fat!!! ANDDDDD EVEN MORE AMAZING: i didnt think id look better if i lost any more weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is what B does for me....in all the years ive had this ED noone not even myself has enabled me to feel that. but he did it.
he is amazing.i know to those of you who read this blog and dont know the people i speak of i must seem really rather willynilly and fickle swaying between S?B?S?B?
But the truth is...i dont know what i want. i do. i want B long term. but right now i dont want to hurt him anymore. whereas S i feel deserves me. he made me like this, ok so i had a predisposition to it but he made me worse and so when i 'hurt' him nowadays by not answering the door or requesting he doesnt send flowers i dont feel too guilty...i do...trust me...i cut so much last year out of guilt for the hurt i caused him...then i woke up one day and realised hang on but ive actually done nothing wrong...the things S was hurt over were not actually by my wrong doings...wrong by his culture or standards yes but not by mine, not by most peoples.

S is someone i will always worry about hurting, but i always will hurt no matter what i do. i block him out my life-he hurts. i let him in-he hurts. so the easiest for me is to block him out because in all truth without him in my life that is one less thing in my brain telling me im fat. not that he has even implied that for months. but im a selfish bitch. at one point i wanted to be with him the rest of my life. i told myself regardless of his culture id marry him, we would run away together and have a half me half him cultured wedding, but it would never work.neither of us would be happy.we are both too family centralised. and apart from all that...i want to be with someone else...i never ever thought id say that but that is how it is:

I have never met a better person than B. and i dont mean this in a soppy hearted oo im so in love way. i mean honestly. he is so genuine. so kind hearted. caring, thoughtful, warm, friendling. a good listerning. always puts others before himself (his only downfall apart from laziness!).
B has tried so hard to work with me in a team to beat this ED.

i know i would be happy with B. Yet i broke up with him. i pushed him away. i pushed him because i dont think i deseve him and because i dotn WANT to deserve him because i want him to be happy and for that he needs to be with an amazing girl free of issues who he can be with without having to care for and with him he con cancentrate enough on his exams to pass and succeed.
he put me first and i wished he didnt. i hope he passes the exam on wednesday.

i broke up with him and all i want to do is hold him and kiss him and cry with him and be with him.

but i cant.

even if i ever deserved him i can never be with him at the moment because he told my secret, he told our best friend about my ED. and whilst he kept my biggest deepest secret secret, he told her that one. and S has never told anyone. im not comparing B/S. S not telling anyone about my ED does not make him a better or worse person and vice versa.
i just mean that after S i decided never ever to trust anyone particularly a man again, and i did, so easily and quickly i slipped up and fell for B.

and B told our best friend who i am meant to be living with next year and who i love dearly but who i cannotface now she knows.

i always fuck things up for myself.

i wish so badly that i didnt have this dream ingrained in me to be a dr because then i could grab my passport and money and grab a plane and go start afresh somewhere new where noone knows me enough to try make me eat and noone cares about me and i have no expectations to fulfill and no dreams to be failed because i would have made that choice to live them all behind.

but then id be unhappy because my ED would have won and i do want to fight because otherwise i wont be healthy i wont be a dr and i wont be married to someone like B and have children.

but do i even want that?do i want a future?
or would i rather just fulfill one dream-to be skinny-then die?