Day 5 of complete fasting (food and water) and im exhausted. But ive lost 10lb in 5 days and a couple more lb and my diagnosis will be changed from EDNOS to anorexia nervosa.
It has been a weird time. I have shut myself in my bedroom all week and not allowed anyone in. Not B. Not S. I've only been into uni to have a meeting with my sub dean in which we discussed a leave of absence from medical school due to my health. It has been agreed that i will attempt to sit my exam next Wednesday but with mitigation seeing as by then i wont have eaten for 10days, and then next term i will remain at home trying to recover then take the exam in summer holidays when hopefully better.
But if im honest to myself i know ive chosen this option as the easy way out- now i can fast for as long as i want without the worry of failing anything. So whilst this time off is meant to be for me to recover really its for me to get iller...messed up thought process i know.
I am now 3rd on the waiting list for treatment at the ED centre, About time right? When i was first referred by BMI was 18.5 and they accepted me for treatment even though the criterion is usually <15. But of course because my BMI was so 'high' ive had to wait a year for treatment...and so now im even deeper in and i think itll take a lot of treatment to get me ok...
I am scared even of drinking water for the fear it will make me maintain my weight the next day. I weigh myself about 4 times during the day and 2 or 3 during the night...having of course got up to pee first. And that is an effort. I have no energy to get out of bed to brush my teeth or pee yet i will so i can weigh myself.
As for my pee...i mentioned in an earlier post that i have decreased kidney function...well considering i havent drunk anything in 5 days, im still peeing vast quantities several times a day and of very dilute concentration...weird.
Ive got an appointment bak with my GP on 13th April. By then my BMI will be around 16.6.
I had to drink some water today because i was on placement on the wards and i felt so faint just being out of bed and having to climb stairs and so on. My clinical outfit is too big now and im really angry about it. Ive basically gone through my savings account this last year buying a whole new wardrobe when i went from size 12 to 10, then another when i reached size 8, and now lots of my size 8 clothes are baggy and so just look stupid yet i dont have the money to buy new stuff.
I cut up my bank card and threw away every 'food' item in my cupboard...for me that was just cuppasoups and stock cubes but i threw it away anyway. So i know i wont give in to my fast because i dont have any money! B made me ring up for new bank card so that i am able to pay for things like train home at the end of term, but it gets sent home and then my Mum will have to post it up to me so all in all it wont get here for at least another week by which stage i will be under 8 stone!
So basically im feeling really positive in myself but just exhausted weak and tired. I sleep all day and all night most days except for waking to weigh. I didnt know it was possible to sleep so much. But if i get disturbed sleeping im then ridiculously moody and angry and tired.
On placement today (first time out of bed all week) i got told my 6 different people at separate times that i look ill...i dont know whether to be offended or not?! whatever theyre seeing im not. yes i look tired. but im the same fat fuck.
ive pushed everyone out my life. B, S, best friend, other friends, even my parents i havent spoken to in about a fortnight. I dont want them all interfering. im happy like this. why cant ibe left alone to live the life i want? surely if they cared enough theyd want me to be happy and so leave me be?
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