So i've posted a long depressing post about my appointment already today, but now its the evening before a big day for me and im excited, so happy post time!
Tomorrow is my first day on wards as a medical student. My stethoscopes all ready to go and im soo excited but of course nervous at the same time! Typically EDwise, my nerves are about what to wear,because im scared ill be bloated and so my waisted pencil skirt will make me look fat...but then i found out there is an obese person in my group...as in actually will probably die soon obese, and i know my BMI is lower end of normal/almost underweight, so even though i feel fat i logically know im not.
So i wont be the fattest there. Which gives me confidence.
And yes i feel guilty for thinking like that. I hate myself for judging people based on their size but i cant help it-the first thing i notice about people is their bodies, which parts of them are or arent fat, i can analyse their entire figure with one fleeting glance, decide how i compare, and then whether i feel ok or like shit. Usually i end up feeling like shit (my body dysmorphia means i think even friends who wear jeans 8inches bigger than me are skinnier),so i dont know why i continue to do it, but i cant help myself.
And the guilt i feel about thinking people are fat who arent fat, or ugly who arent ugly, only serve to make me see myself as an even badder person than i already do, i feel guilty, horrible rude, bitchy, and even less deserving of food. I dont conciously think 'i dont deserve food so i will deny myself food', but im beginning to realise that is it...if im unhappy with myself in anyway-whether i didnt get an A or the A wasnt 100%, or i didnt lose at least 1lb that day or indeed only lost 1 instead of 2, or someone said i look 'thin' rather than the 'skinny' adjective i prefer...then i will immediately feel like a failure and know i wont eat for at least that day if not the next and next and next...
My brain is so weird!
But yay for tomorrow!x
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