When i met this guy it was like something out of a film. Love at first sight i thought. It was at my birthday meal. I was struggling because to socialise food seems to be required and it was my birthday so all eyes were on me so i had to eat. One of the friends id invited showed up with some other people, on my course at uni, one of whom id never even seen around before in the whole 2 months we had been at uni. I dont think ill ever forget how i felt when i saw him. He was so beautiful, i know it sounds cliche but i was just blown away and couldnt stop staring at him. He was so different to any guy id ever met or fancied before. He is asian, before uni i'd only ever seen caucasians, let alone fancied a non caucasian.
I sat with him for the rest of the night, and when someone took a picture of us it seemed so natural to hug him even though we had only just met. That photo- i look genuinely happy.
Things moved pretty fast. A week or so later he came over to mine and we were pretty much seeing each other from then onwads although we decided to not be official till January as we had a month off for xmas and wouldnt see each other.
He was amazing but that term was the worst ever. My friends and family say theyve never seen me so depressed. I barely left my room at uni, skipped most lectures, slept loads, and failed my first ever exam. I felt like he was the only thing that kept me afloat, yet everyone else says he was what was dragging me down.
I didnt leave my room because i felt too fat and ugly, and i thought he made me happy because he told me i was beautiful. But actually he did the opposite. It sounds so silly to whinge about these things but it had a profound effect on me....he would say little things like...oh why dont you do your hair like this today or do your makeup like so and so...so id put on more makeup then next day he would say ew youre wearing too much makeup you look better more natural...but then next day he would complain i made no effort for him because i hadnt 'bothered' to put on makeup. he would call me curvy etc and then when i eventually got him to tell me his honest opinion he admitted he thought i was fat. to this very day he claims i forced him to say it,but all i did was force him to be honest, i didnt put the words ''you are fat'' into his mouth, i just told him to be honest, and thats what he said.
he would say stuff like he wished i would dress sexier so he could be proud of me at uni,and on nights out he would comment that he wished i could dance like one of my friends who is a drama student and an amazing dancer. these things seem so petty but over several months,considering i was already insecure,these things destroyed me so much that i locked myself in my room and if i had to go into uni id go either rly early or rly late in the hope i wouldnt see anyone i knew.
i was completely and utterly in love with him. he was the first and only person ive ever confided in about everyyyyy single aspect of my past. and he is so understanding. i sometimes have freakouts, and whilst at first they scared him,he stuck by me and very rarely makes me feel like the freak i am. i dont know what id do without him. i went through a stage of having nightmares and flashbacks most nights,and he was always there to comfort me. he is such a caring incredible person. he is the only male ive ever trusted with everything. i truly did love him and it scared me to think that i wont be able to marry him (he is muslim, long story) and that i will therefore never be truly happy because noone else will be as amazing as him and i will never trust anyone like i can trust him.
it is because i loved him so much that i treated him so badly. ive discussed this with the counsellor lady and she said its classic. when youve had a traumatic past you push people away if they get too close. i know i do this because ive done it with previous boyfriends, but i always thought thats because i didnt care about them and i didnt want to have to have sex with them. yet he is different. i want to be with him forever, so why do i treat him so badly? i said the most horrific things to him, made up lies about how i didnt care, how i didnt love him,even made up lies that id got with other people,just to make him hate me. yet he didnt hate me,and that made it worse. i dont feel i deserve to be loved by anyone let alone someone as amazing as him. i pushed him and pushed him and eventually i broke up with him.
my friends and family were relieved. over the easter holidays after the break up they saw me come out of my shell and my confidence grow again, but i was so unhappy. i found myself getting with 2 guys that disgusted me. i knew theyd fancied me for ages, and i found them repulsive, yet i let them kiss me. im weird with guys. when i dont like them im either really rude and violent (slapping etc) or i completely freak and go weird and just let them do whatever they want and i just pretend im not there and its not happening. this is how ive been with men all my life. i just wish i had the strength to stand up for myself this time.
because i got with these 2 guys he thinks i cheated on him,obviously we werent together so i didnt,but i did betray his love and his heart and i will never forgive myself.
i had a new boyfriend very briefly in the summer, but it was when i was just starting to get treatment and i decided i might as well be honest from the start so i told him about my ed. he made me realise how even more amazing than i already thought this other guy was was. he was so unsupportive, didnt understand at all,tried to force me into eating etc,refused to pay for meals if i vomited,refused to do things if he knew i hadnt eaten,yelled at me in public in restaurents etc about it making awkward situations for me. so he was a twat about my ed but that aside he was just wrong for me in general. i only dated him because all he did was compliment me 24/7 and it was amazing to feel attractive after months of feeling id never be good enough for the guy i loved,that i was always wearing the wrong clothes/makeup/hair and was the wrong skin colour and religion. the entire few weeks i was with this other guy i spent most the time wishing it was the guy i loved. my phone would buzz and i was disappointed when it was the wrong guy. i couldnt be bothered to go see him just a hour away,would rather have driven 4 hours to see the guy i loved.
it ended after a few weeks but i wish id never gone there in first place. now the guy i love will never believe how much i love him.
in western culture its quite normal for people to have several boyfriends and so on, but in his it isnt. i was his first girlfriend and he cant undertsand how if i loved him i could have dated someone else. i do see his point of view, if i were a normal person, but im not. i completely disassociate myself from situations. i didnt feel like i was dating the other guy, i felt like i was still with the guy i loved, yet i was apparently this other guys girlfriend and i still have no idea when that became the case.
there are whole sections of my life that my brains wipes out. i know its a coping mechanism,but my brain does it wrong! it hasnt wiped out my traumatic childhood, yet it wipes out arguments ive had, things ive done wrong etc,and its awful because then i cant explain why i did them because i dont remember doing them!
how can i explain to the love of my life i have no idea what happened the few weeks i was dating the other guy because i 'dont remember'?! it just isnt believable! yet all i remember is feeling more attractive because he complimented me, being angry with him for not being the guy i loved, and eventually ending it when i sort of 'clicked' back into my life and realised what was going on.
that happens quite often. people say im aloof. i sort of breeze through life without realising whats going on for weeks at a time quite often, then suddenly its like im back on earth and when people ask what ive been doing ill honestly not be able to remember anything from the previous week or so.
im so weird!
anyway...to the now...
things are still on and off with this guy that im in love with, but we will never be together officially because of what happened last term.
i basically couldnt cope with not being his official girlfriend yet basically being his girlfriend,i hated feeling used etc, so again i made up lies to him in the hope it would force him into being over me and moving on. i told him i fell out of love with him a while ago and i didnt care about him anymore etc.
he at first seemed happy and relieved and was like oh good now i dont feel bad about hurting your feelings because ive actually been over you for ages too.
this obviously upset me but i was happy for him and glad my lies had worked.
but then he got angry and went mental at me.
here's a list of the stuff he said which are the reasons my ed has got so bad and why i can never ever be with the guy of my dreams:
i never loved you i was just using you for sex
its hilarious you get help for an ed when you're so fat
i had to go strip club to be able to have sex with you because you're so fat and ugly
i cant believe you actually thought a guy like me would love someone as ugly as you
fat fat fat ugly ugly ugly
etc
basically he tore into all my insecurities and everything id every confided in him about my eating disorder. he betrayed my trust. he has since said he said it all in anger and never meant it.
but now i can never believe a compliment he says, when he says im looking skinny i think back to when he said i was fat, when he says im beautiful i remember how he said it was funny when i believed that he fancied me. im too embarrassed to confide in him about my ed now,yet he was the only person i talked to about it properly.
things between us will never be the same. i hate leaving my house anyway because i feel so fat and ugly, but whereas i used to dread going into uni because people in general would see my big fat ugly self, now when i walk through the medical school im dreading bumping into him and the thoughts that must go through his mind of how disgusting it is that he kissed me and told me he loved me how could he stoop that low?
i loved him so much but i know he is bad for me. it is so confusing. i want to be thin for him so that i feel worthy of him,but at same time i know ill never be with him because i can never trust him again and will never feel comfortable with my appearance in front of him. i feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie, yet im aware how wearisome this must be for him.
he knows me better than anybody. he has made me realise i only ever believe bad things about myself.
he can say to be you're not fat you're just curvy if you toned up you'd be perfect, and i will see that as him calling me fat and flabby but trying to be polite about it.
when he tries to compliment me by saying i look slim or thin ill latch on to the fact he hasnt used the word skinny and immediately think he thinks im fat.
when he says i look pretty i think he is being saracastic. if he compliments my clothes i panic he is implying i should change into something nicer.
one day i would like to believe in myself. then maybe i will believe that others are capable of believing in me too.
But for now i only know one thing, i loved him with all my heart.
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