Appointment tomorrow....freak out

So tomorrow i have my appointment at the Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders (YCED). IM FREAKING OUT SO MASSIVELY.

I first went for help this time last year because i was vomiting several times a day and was so ashamed and it was disgusting i just wanted out.
But i barely ever vomit now so i dont think i want help.
I wasnt going to go to the appointment tomorrow but today i received a letter from my Mum about my ED, saying how she will never understand why i cant give the fuel my body needs, but that she does understand im not in control of it anymore. The letter made me cry. I feel so in control when i fast, but my mum is right, it isnt my decision not to eat, nor is this recent bingeing episode my decision. I used to be in total control. Now i have no control.

Im freaking out right now, sitting here sobbing, not upset, but terrified. I have to go to ward 6 tomorrow. Ive been to the Newsam centre before for a stupid self help group i went to once and never returned to. When i was there i saw a girl obviously inpatient saying goodbye to her mum who had been visiting. Obviously she was very sick but it just made me feel jealous and even more huge than i already feel.
Ive been bingeing for over a week now so im probably 9 stone by now. Girls in there will be 4 and a half stone, HALF MY BODY WEIGHT. How is me going in there going to help things? All it will do is motivate me not to eat again. Which is probably what i want right? All i know is i want to be thin. Im fed up of being the obese girl who waddles everywhere and gets stared at. I want to be thin already! Ideally i would like to be skinny but thin would be a good starting point.
I dont see how getting treatment will help.
And theyre not going to treat me anyway. Ive gained weight since they accepted my referral, my BMI is now healthy. Im bingeing! How will i sit there and admit outloud ive been bngeing?! i just had to adjust the questionnaire they asked me to fill out from 0 binges in the last 28 days to 7. im so embarrassed,arghhhhh.
I know ed clnics are not just for anorexics but for bingeeaters or bulimics too,but i feel so much shame in bingeing. I not sure i can sit there and be honest with them. But then again thats better than lying and having them wonder why im so fat.

And i absolutely can not be weighed. I havent weighed myself since this binge episode started. I know ill be at least 9 stone by now ewwwwww. I know theyll offer me to be weighed backwards bt thats even more humiliating, woooo look at me,im fat.
I cant let them weigh me. And if they say they have to ill just say ill leave then.
So why am i even going to the appointment if im going to refuse to cooperate?! i clearly dont want treatment! i dont wantis constant battle in my head but i do want to be thin. what i would love is to be able to eat 3 healthy meals a day without eating one thing and then losing control and having to binge. but i dont see that ever happening.
i thought my ed started when i was 11, but if i think hard about it i realise even at junior school i used to skip breakfast and throw my packed lunch away. and even at infant school i hated the school dinners. back at infants it was probably more just me being v v v fussy, but maybe my ed did start then? in which case ive had it for closer to 15 years than the 10 i thought. so there is no hope.


omg i am just so so embarrassed at the prospect of going tomorrow. i cant stop crying over how humiliating i know its going to be. and i never cry in front of anyone but i know tomorrow i will break down,i always cry in front of my gp as soon as eating comes up.

i am being pathetic and even freaking over what to wear! atm im so ashamed of my bingeing bloated body that all i can wear are baggy trackies and big jumpers, but i know they make me look even bigger than i am. im terrified of them judging me as just another fattie who cant control what she stuffs into her fat face. in reality that is what i am but truth hurts right? arghhhhhhhhhhhh i dont want to go!
but maybe if i go theyll stop me bingeing, that would be something right?
but i dont know what to wear. and i cant look in mirrors atm so cant even wear makeup.
and ill be going in gym clothes as going there straight from gym and thn have arranged to meet friend at gym again afterwards.


ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.



meh.
help me.