Sorry i haven't updated this sooner. Things have been all over the place the last few days. Last night was the first night i slept since Sunday because ive been in a whirlwind spiral of insomnia/gym/insomnia/gym just panicking about the appointment and how much ive gained in this bizarre binge fortnight ive had.
So. What happened?
I arrived and went up to ward 6 as my letter instructed. This freakkkkked me out. There were the most beautiful tiny girls sitting around, one had a drip on a stand thing... i know they are really ill and i shouldnt feel like this...but i was jealous...i want to be that thin...how warped is my brain?!
Then it turned out i had been sent to the wrong place and so i went downstairs to ward 5... i was a bit annoyed tbh that the letter had told me to go to the ward where inpatients were...surely they should be careful about that because its triggering? And also for the patients there...i just walked in...no security...i could have been anyone!
Anyway...ward 5...happens to have the same waiting room as gender identity...now i have no issues with any type of sexuality or transgenderness. but ive only ever seen transvestites and transsexuals on tv. then suddenly i was in a waiting room for possibly the scariest hospital appointment ive had in a long time,and sitting around me are men,dressed as women,some look quite feminine,some have had boob jobs,some are at the early transistion stage and are literally men in womens clothes,some look pretty.either way i found it disturbing. i realise some of you reading this will be offended at that. but im not going to apologise. i went to hospital for an issue really harrowing for me, and then im confronted by people completeeeeely different to me, who i think anyone would struggle with meeting for the first time. i didnt know where to look or not look. yet it is nature to stare at new things/unusual people, just out of interest. i have nothing against them,ive just never seen anyone like that before. basically what im saying is i found it strange that an ed centre/gender identity centre would share a waiting room when both sets of patients are troubled in some way, but so differently.
then the most beautiful man walked in. i shouldnt stereotype but my first thought was,he doesnt look like someone with an ed. and he certainly wasnt transsexual. i started to panic about how fat i looked, how hot and flustered (it was boilllling in there and i had a zillion layers on as had gym clothes on under actual outfit). then in walks his utterly stunning,tinnnnnny,gorgeous girlfriend. they sat there cuddling and smooching away,him whispering adoring things into her ear. i wished then more than anything that the guy im in love with (see previous post, going to call him S for now),had come with me. he may not be my boyfriend,but he is the one person i tell everything too. he doesnt really understand where im coming from,but he listens. i feel like if i knew he had an appointment for anything,id offer to come with him. but he knows when i have appointments coming up and never offers to come. the couple of times ive tentatively asked him to he makes up excuses...i guess its a scary thing to do to go with someone to an appointment...but its even scarier for me. i just wished i had someone like that to hold my hand and comfort me as i waited.
something i did realise is that girl and i were so similar. we were both on verge of tears. both fidgeting away nervously. both got loads of layers on even though it was boiling neither of us were undressing...strange.
so. the appointment. there was a female and male psychiatrist. the woman did most of the questioning and talking, the man wrote the notes and occasionally asked/added something extra.
first things first they asked to weigh me. i burst into tears.
i havent weighed myself for a fortnight because ive been eating normal and bingeing,which is so unlike me,and id only vomited 2x,so i knew not only would i have gained some fat,but all that food and water weight too.
they saw my distress and weighed me backwards so all was ok. until the women said...''oh so when you were referred your bmi was 18,its now 20!!!''...
i was distraught and promptly burst into tears again. this is the Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders. if im eating disordered like they say then they must deal with people like me all the time. they agreed to keep my weight secret then told me my bmi...how can they not realise that im so obsessed with my weight that i know its equivalent in pounds/stone/kg/bmi?!! by telling me my bmi i knew how much id gained! and the way she said it...so shocked...interpreted by my ed brain as...oo you fat shit youve gained alllll that weight in succcchhh a short space of time! i afterwards realised they only made me take off my trainers and i later weighed myself naked and after being to loo and i was 6lb lighter so that was a little comforting.
the women continued to make me feel bad throughout the appointment. i felt like she didnt believe me. i explained that i usually fast and set myself one eating or bingeing day a week, but that the last fortnight id done something unprecendented for me,which was eat/binge nonstop for a whole 14 days. therefore she should have realised id have gained a lot quickly. but instead she seemed to think i was lying about my eating patterns. she kept saying 'i dont see how you weigh X if you only eat like Y' etc...
i spoke to my mum about it afterwards and she was outraged. like i feel like ive had massive binge even if i eat less than normal people. so im already soooo so guilty about what ive eaten that fortnight of what i perceive as bingeing,but this woman belittles everything i say...she asked me how many calories i consume in a binge...i told her i had no idea i dont base things on calories...she asked me to estimate..i said 2000, she LAUGHED IN MY FACE can you believe, and said from what youve described thats maximum 200 which isnt a binge. and i felt too stupid to tell her well actually for me that is.
she didnt seem to get it into her head that i dont make myself vomit. in the last month i have 2x,admittedly both times in the last fortnight of bingeing. but whilst my diagnosis is EDNOS she kept trying to call me bulimic, even though i told her ths fortnight of bingeing is a new thing and i havent vomited regularly since last summer. the man obviously saw where i was coming from more and said no she is more anorexic, then the woman looked at the paper where she had written my weight and said no she is no way anorexic!
they were discussing/almost arguing in front of me about my diagnosis, and i felt like screaming at them IVE ALREADY BEEN DIAGNOSED IM NOT ANA OR MIA IM EDNOS FFS!!!
the man seemed to listen when i explained that the last fortnight had been abnormal because i was stressed about appointment and when making extra effort to be normal i just ended up bingeing. but the woman seemed to be basically saying, you wouldnt be tht fat if you usually fast.
then they talked about me mentally...they brought up my past, which i knew they would...but they asked me very direct questions... were you ever xxxxxxxxxx did xxxxxxxx ever happen to you. i denied everything in a way which i think looked like a normal truthful no. i think they woman bought it, but the man looked at me suspiciously. i defs preferred the man, he seemed to be more on my wavelength.
i had nightmares/flashbacks when i finally slept last night. its why i think i dont want help as i know theyll try delve into my past to find the source of this ed, and when that happens and things are remembered i cant cope.
then my physical side. she said i have polysomethingmyosomething is basically thinning of my enamel and chipping of my front teeth,apparently caused by my vomiting. thing is though i dont think i even used to vomit thatttt much,only like max 6x a day,so i think its more likely due to diet coke...which i have stopped drinking!
then she said something that shocked me...i have frequent bloodtests and ecgs because of my ed. my gp hadnt told me anything about the ones i had done in november when i had to go to hospital because of dehydration,so i assumed i was fine, but then the woman told me im hyposomething anaemic. i asked her to explain the science behind it and she said basically mild anaemia of that type is when 1% of your cells lack haemoglobin,but that 12% of mine lack it therefore im very anaemic which explains my breathlessness,lethargy,cold hands feet,pale colouring etc. i got confused as i a med student and thought anaemia was iron deficiency but she was saying 12% of my red blood cells were mishaped because they contained no hb. weird. anyway, whatever.
we discussed treatment. ive previously been prescribed 20mg fluoextine but im a 'nonadherent patient' meaning i dont do what my dr advises because i think i know best! fluoextine is basically prozac and i disagree with it because i dont think im depressed. i get low when i eat,but i dont eat much so i dont see point in taking pills which take 4 weeks to work on off chance i get low when i eat in 4 weeks time. i hate unnecessary medication.
however, ive now been prescribed 60mg which treats ed rather than depression so ill probably take it. apparently itll treat the thoughts in my brain,the obsessiveness with weight and food as apparently as well as treating depression its for anxiety and ocd. so i suppose i could try it. plus when i did first try it it made me lose my appetite completely and i got to my lowest weight whoop lol...probs not what the dr intends!!
my fear about the appointment was that id be too fat for treatment. but they want me to go there 1-3x a week to see an outpatient nurse who will go through meal plans with me and encourage/support. personally i dont see how this will help me. i have a supportive mum and friends who i could do that with, but i guess its worth a shot.
however, since the appointment ive felt even worse about myself, i havent eaten and i dont forsee myself ever wanting to eat again. i felt fat before hand and this lady has made me feel even worse. she made me realise even more than i already did how much ive gained. im now even more determined to do my new routine of 30mins running 30mins weights every single day with zero food intake. that will show her im not a liar. she even asked me... do YOU think you have a problem?
why the hell would i be putting myself through an interrogation by 2 psychiatrists in a mental health hospital for eating disorders if i didnt think i had a problem?!!
on the way out i was accosted by a madman. he wanted to know if i was visiting? no. are you visiting? no. what you doing here then? i had an appointment. what for? i dont want to talk about it. he stank and sat next to me intruding my personal space and breathing over me. i got up and walked away to wait for my taxi elsewhere leaving him yelling after me.
i realise ed's are supposedly mental health disorders (although theres a lot of evidence suggesting its actually due to chemical imbalance in the brain),but i do feel that in going to get help i shouldnt have to deal with transistioning transsexuals and madmen that accost me in the corridor and make me feel uncomfortable and scared, plus its not the first time thats happened. i went to the same hospital for a support group last term, i hated it,mainly because i was told to go to the mia one even though im more ana,so i couldnt relate to the mia people and they disgusted me (yes i know im a horrible person,but one of them was so fat she had to stand as couldnt fit her bum between the arms of the chair!)...there was a scary lady there who had no social skills and accosted everyone telling them how much she had eaten about her life how she was just divorced blah blah and asking impertinent questions,with no realisation for a persons body language. when she came up to me she was like well you're quiet arent you whats wrong with you?! so i said to her, this is my first time and im here to listen not speak but she just wouldnt leave me alone,tried to get my phone number,offered me lift home and wouldnt take no for answer,in end i got so freaked out by her i had to lie and say my boyfriend was going to be there any minute so would she mind leaving me alone, and still she pestered me,i was honestly terrified of her.obviously she had other issues as well as an ed but my point is... i feel nervous and scared enough about getting help for my ed, without being confronted by people with all sorts of mental illnesses at the same time. i have nothing against these people,i cannot wait to be a dr and treat people with mh illnesses one day,and i myself have a history of sh etc so im not exactly sane, but i do think the ed unit shouldnt be in such close proximity with people who are genuinely scary.
the waiting list for treatment is 1-2 months. in that time i plan to get my bmi down to at least 17.5.
''treatment'' so far is just motivating me to lose.
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