I started this blog as a way to get all my thoughts out of my head and on paper. Well. I have a 'diary' which i call my 'happy book'. It is the place i can say what i want and get all my thoughts out, but at the moment my brain is so tangled i can't write fast enough, so here i am typing. I may print my posts out and stick them in my happy book for prosperity... is that morbid?
My diary is called my happy book because it is a place i can go to be happy, to be me. Funny i should say that because i feel like being me makes me unhappy. But when i can be me and just me without pressure from anyone else to pretend to be different i am actually happy. But do i deserve to be? That book is full of things a deserving person would not write.
I do not like fat people.
Some people i consider my close friends disgust me because they are fat. But are they fat? Sometimes i'll watch friends getting ready and be thinking ew they look disgusting i would never go out with bulges showing like that in a dress like that, but i wont say anything because everyone else thinks they look amazing. That should give me hope that i dont look as bad as i think i do but instead it just makes me feel guilty for being such a nasty person as to think my friends are fat.
The title of this post is hilarious. Small beginnings. This blog is starting from nothing so it is small. But the authoress, I, I am humoungous. Sorry guys. I know what its like. You read an ED blog, you quite like it, then you see the stats and it is like riiiiight so this person is clearly making all that stuff up because not only are they scared they're fat but they actually are, who are they kidding that they're anorexic when those are their stats?!
So. To set the record straight. I am not anorexic. My BMI was 18.7 last week, i havent weighed myself recently because im having an utter freak out and am too scared to. Same as im too scared to look in mirrors at the moment, but i will come to that later. This post is just to say hello...to whom exactly i have noo clue as i doubt anyone will actually bother to read this, i feel a bit sad typing to noone actually... but lots of my habits are sad, as you'll discover if you stick with me... anyway back to me... wow im a selfabsorbed being! But this is my blog, about me, my feelings, after all, so im going to allow myself to be self absorbed in this little space in the middle of...cyber space?
So yep, my official diagnosis is eating disorder not otherwise specified with anorexic tendencies. I fast. I dont restrict. I would love to be able to restrict, that to me is like the ultimate control. I have zero control. If i eat ANYTHING i eat EVERYTHING, like the big fat hippo i am. My policy is ''all or nothing''. I wish it was ''nothing nothing never anything'', but im too weak for that.
The funny thing is im fat. Like actually obese. Picture the girl that waddles along the street, well thats me. You are probably thinking oh no we've got one of those fat people here who jokes about their weight but never gets off their lazy arses and does anything about it. Yep. Thats me. I barely eat. I used to exercise a lot (not anymore but ill probably rant about that later). Yet i stay the same weight. Last week i lost 10lb in 5 days. Then this week ive started binging without vomiting and ive gained it all back. Just in time for my appointment with the ED specialist. Brilliant. Thing is, my BMI did get to below 18 couple of weeks ago, so virtually meeting mild anorexia criteria, and i freaked. I didnt want to get weighed at this appointment and be made to get treatment. Yet yes i was the one that first went for help, but that was a year ago, things are different now.
Anyway so the few days ive been stuffing my face with anything and everything desperate to be fat for this appointment, yet also already thinking im fat and now even fatter im too embarrassed to go. Ergh. I dont know.
Anyway, its late and this blogs taken me forever to work out how to set up so everything i needed to blurt out is now even more confused in my head so ill write it all tomorrow.
Night noone...maybe soon i'll have followers?!!
xxx
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