Numb. Dazed. Unfeeling. Emotionless.
You think things cant get any worse because you are a fat person living in a society where only thin people are successful.
Then someone you were once really close to dies.
How selfish and selfabsorbed have i been? Lying here for days on end in bed pitying myself for being so fat and ugly. Wasting away my life feeling sorry for myself when there is so much tragedy in this world.
I dont have anything to say. Im emotionally exhausted. I feel like... i dont know. I think ive stopped feeling.
I just want to go to sleep and only wake up when im thin. But that makes me feel so guilty. Im alive. I should be making the most of it when i have such an amazing life. But im fat. And nothing else matters. And the fact im aware of how stupid that is just makes it worse. The constant feelings of guilt, for being so pathetic and selfish and selfpitying. That guilt just fuels my lack of appetite.
If i was thin, nothing would hurt.
RIP xxx
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Sunday, 23 January 2011
I dont know what is happening to me
Everything has been so weird the last 3 weeks.
The first 2 i binged which is unheard of for me. According to people that saw what i ate it wasnt bingeing but it felt like it for me and i gained masses.
Then this 3rd week ive fasted. But i am SO depressed. like. struggling to get out of bed, not because of my usual weak/faintingess, but like so down that i cant even be bothered to shower. i keep cancelling on friends because between them inviting me wherever and it reaching the time i have to get ready my moods dropped and ive spent the hours waiting panicking about what im going to wear that wont make me look as fat as i am, comparing myself to the people who will be there, who is fatter than me who is skinner than me.
Im meant to have uni 9-4 tomorrow but im not going to go, because im struggling to dash from my room to the loo 3 feet away without being seen by my housemates, let alone having the energy to shower and go downstairs or leave my house...i know i sound like a crazy kid...and i really think i am...ive become so freaked out by what i look like that im so terrified of people seeing me that i would rather stay in my room alone days on end and selfteach myself my medical degree than go into uni. last week i was managing to get p at 6am to get to the gym before many people were there so i didnt have to be seen,because im too embarrassed by what i look like to even walk in streets without thinking everyones thinking how disgusting i am.
yet in just a week my brains declined so much that even though i know exercising makes me happier and makes me lose faster i just cant face the 5min walk from my house to the gym. feck i cant even walk downstairs in my own house!
ideal situation? to wear a burkha. i know that would offend soo many people because im not officially muslim but come on...i can say the things i need to say to god that tell him i believe and so on, as if he doesnt know already lol! with religion i dont get the point in the rules,particularly the people that follow some of them but not all of them but then pretend they do...its like well god knows everything so its silly to pretend, just be honest or you're lying! anyway, id love to be from a culture where everyone wore baggy dresses and only showed slits for eyes. if i wore that here everyone would stare at me even more than they do already because im so pale and have stupid blue eyes so it would be like oooo white muslim or whatever. its one of the reasons ive given up 'showing' an interest in islam for now. i got stared at whereverrrrrr i went.
white girl with blonde hair and big blue eyes in a mosque? gets stared at, with AND without headscarf. i make the women stare and the men feel uncomfortable. i feel peaceful when i go to prayer room alone, but praying as a community is meant to be great, but i get frigging stared at! and im knelt there like ermmm will you please concentrate on whats being said rather than distracting me by staring at me?! ok little kids fine...big fat white girl with scary eyes descends upon them...i get it,kids stare...but the adults?! anyway point being i find peace in prayer but people take away my peace.
how pathetic is that, i want to be a dr, so im a people person, yet im basically terrified of people.
i avoid so many situations because im so embarrassed of how i look and scared to be seen!
im going to list things i avoid:
gym- only go early enough that i leave before 7am when most people arrive
uni-try to arrive late so i dont have to talk to anyone and can just sneak in quickly,sit,listen to lecture,leave
library-i go in,head down,try get to my corner which i always go to (i like routine lol) asap without being seen.
movie nights in-i always say yes,then cancel last minute because im scared i will lower the mood,or people will try make me eat takeaway or whatever.
meals out/dinner parties-decline straight away.food.dressing up/making effort.no way.
nights out clubbing etc-erghhhhhh.hate this because you cant go out without making effrt.u have to make effort but then people see u at yr best nd so u cant even use the excuse oh i jst woke up or dont have makeup on as excuse fr why u look so shit!
seeing friends in general/shopping/meeting for coffee etc-no no no! why wld i want to socialise and make up stuff about how great everything is?! everything is great,i love uni,yet im a big fat depressed cow who is clearly selfish for being so unhappy just because she is fat!
people are dying.
people are permanently disabled (ok so legally i come under that category but i mean like severely incapacitated)
people go through soooo much more than me.
yet i lie in bed days on end wallowing in self pity.
and the fact i know how pathetic that is just makes my guilt/selfhatred even worse.
and you know what. dooo people go through worse than me? i bet people look at me and think wow she has the most amazing life.
here is what people see:
only child, spoilt by upper middle class parents who are happily married
attended private boarding schools all her life, priveledged upbringing, big house, huge garden, countryside life
no money issues. lived all her life in a very prim area-no drugs/stabbings/shooting/crime in general
got straight A grades throughout school without doing any work
played tennis/hockey/netball/squash/kayaking/athletics for her school, tennis/hockey/kayaking for local clubs, and county tennis.
partakes in physical challenges,marathons etc and raises thousands for charity.
horserides.
grade 8 piano and grade 6 singing by 14th birthday.
offers from 4 out of 4 medical schools. getting A grades in 2nd year of medschool.
well travelled. amazing gap year. expensive stuff.
loads of friends all from same upbringing, everyone from same little happy bubble.
blonde,big blue eyes,tall,curvaceous.
the perfect life right?
here is the truth:
born to a 15year old druggie mother in an ambulance, drug dealer father in prison.
aged 0-3 witnessed awful things including men chopping fingers off, murdering cats,in and out of hospital due to neglect.abuse.in and out of fostercare...more abuse.
age 4.adopted by amazing parents.but kidnapped.
age 6-12. abused in all the categories there are by brother. survived several strangulations.
age 13-15. lived in fear. rarely left house. harrassed constantly.
15. had to move house. change address, numbers,etc.
16-now. still live in fear. legal action taken.effects of my past with me everyday.
so yes. im blessed to have incredible parents who saved my life and have made me the strong person i know i am today. but even they cant change what happened to me before i could even walk or talk. or what continued to happen.
so people see this girl with 'the perfect life', supposedly clever, sporty, attractive, middle class, welleducated blah blah blah.
but remember. never assume. because everyone has skeletons in their closet. and trust me. i have even more than im willing to write here.
i write all that out,drag it from that place in my brain which i try not to think of. and then now ive remembered, relived it i think,yes,its ok,i deserve to be a little down,its ok to be a little self pitying.
then i remember no,its not.because noone knows. so a couple of family friends know about my 'violent' brother. a few know i had a complicated adoption. my parents know almost everything. but noone except ME knows everything ive gone through. IM the one tormented by the memories. IM the one who has sleepless nights of nightmares and flashbacks,who is sometimes so tired from the buzzing brain but dreads sleep because of the nightmares it brings.the nightmares which arent made up but are memories.
so i cant afford myself this time to wallow in misery.
things happen in life.
but i have the perfect life right? im going to be a doctor. im middle class. i have lots of friends and a supportive family. forget all the shit and im the happiest girl in the planet.
but that is what this is about right?
i cant forget.
who can forget that.
i wish i could write it out. what actually happened. but even after all these years im still too scared.
im going to stop before i have another freak out.
The first 2 i binged which is unheard of for me. According to people that saw what i ate it wasnt bingeing but it felt like it for me and i gained masses.
Then this 3rd week ive fasted. But i am SO depressed. like. struggling to get out of bed, not because of my usual weak/faintingess, but like so down that i cant even be bothered to shower. i keep cancelling on friends because between them inviting me wherever and it reaching the time i have to get ready my moods dropped and ive spent the hours waiting panicking about what im going to wear that wont make me look as fat as i am, comparing myself to the people who will be there, who is fatter than me who is skinner than me.
Im meant to have uni 9-4 tomorrow but im not going to go, because im struggling to dash from my room to the loo 3 feet away without being seen by my housemates, let alone having the energy to shower and go downstairs or leave my house...i know i sound like a crazy kid...and i really think i am...ive become so freaked out by what i look like that im so terrified of people seeing me that i would rather stay in my room alone days on end and selfteach myself my medical degree than go into uni. last week i was managing to get p at 6am to get to the gym before many people were there so i didnt have to be seen,because im too embarrassed by what i look like to even walk in streets without thinking everyones thinking how disgusting i am.
yet in just a week my brains declined so much that even though i know exercising makes me happier and makes me lose faster i just cant face the 5min walk from my house to the gym. feck i cant even walk downstairs in my own house!
ideal situation? to wear a burkha. i know that would offend soo many people because im not officially muslim but come on...i can say the things i need to say to god that tell him i believe and so on, as if he doesnt know already lol! with religion i dont get the point in the rules,particularly the people that follow some of them but not all of them but then pretend they do...its like well god knows everything so its silly to pretend, just be honest or you're lying! anyway, id love to be from a culture where everyone wore baggy dresses and only showed slits for eyes. if i wore that here everyone would stare at me even more than they do already because im so pale and have stupid blue eyes so it would be like oooo white muslim or whatever. its one of the reasons ive given up 'showing' an interest in islam for now. i got stared at whereverrrrrr i went.
white girl with blonde hair and big blue eyes in a mosque? gets stared at, with AND without headscarf. i make the women stare and the men feel uncomfortable. i feel peaceful when i go to prayer room alone, but praying as a community is meant to be great, but i get frigging stared at! and im knelt there like ermmm will you please concentrate on whats being said rather than distracting me by staring at me?! ok little kids fine...big fat white girl with scary eyes descends upon them...i get it,kids stare...but the adults?! anyway point being i find peace in prayer but people take away my peace.
how pathetic is that, i want to be a dr, so im a people person, yet im basically terrified of people.
i avoid so many situations because im so embarrassed of how i look and scared to be seen!
im going to list things i avoid:
gym- only go early enough that i leave before 7am when most people arrive
uni-try to arrive late so i dont have to talk to anyone and can just sneak in quickly,sit,listen to lecture,leave
library-i go in,head down,try get to my corner which i always go to (i like routine lol) asap without being seen.
movie nights in-i always say yes,then cancel last minute because im scared i will lower the mood,or people will try make me eat takeaway or whatever.
meals out/dinner parties-decline straight away.food.dressing up/making effort.no way.
nights out clubbing etc-erghhhhhh.hate this because you cant go out without making effrt.u have to make effort but then people see u at yr best nd so u cant even use the excuse oh i jst woke up or dont have makeup on as excuse fr why u look so shit!
seeing friends in general/shopping/meeting for coffee etc-no no no! why wld i want to socialise and make up stuff about how great everything is?! everything is great,i love uni,yet im a big fat depressed cow who is clearly selfish for being so unhappy just because she is fat!
people are dying.
people are permanently disabled (ok so legally i come under that category but i mean like severely incapacitated)
people go through soooo much more than me.
yet i lie in bed days on end wallowing in self pity.
and the fact i know how pathetic that is just makes my guilt/selfhatred even worse.
and you know what. dooo people go through worse than me? i bet people look at me and think wow she has the most amazing life.
here is what people see:
only child, spoilt by upper middle class parents who are happily married
attended private boarding schools all her life, priveledged upbringing, big house, huge garden, countryside life
no money issues. lived all her life in a very prim area-no drugs/stabbings/shooting/crime in general
got straight A grades throughout school without doing any work
played tennis/hockey/netball/squash/kayaking/athletics for her school, tennis/hockey/kayaking for local clubs, and county tennis.
partakes in physical challenges,marathons etc and raises thousands for charity.
horserides.
grade 8 piano and grade 6 singing by 14th birthday.
offers from 4 out of 4 medical schools. getting A grades in 2nd year of medschool.
well travelled. amazing gap year. expensive stuff.
loads of friends all from same upbringing, everyone from same little happy bubble.
blonde,big blue eyes,tall,curvaceous.
the perfect life right?
here is the truth:
born to a 15year old druggie mother in an ambulance, drug dealer father in prison.
aged 0-3 witnessed awful things including men chopping fingers off, murdering cats,in and out of hospital due to neglect.abuse.in and out of fostercare...more abuse.
age 4.adopted by amazing parents.but kidnapped.
age 6-12. abused in all the categories there are by brother. survived several strangulations.
age 13-15. lived in fear. rarely left house. harrassed constantly.
15. had to move house. change address, numbers,etc.
16-now. still live in fear. legal action taken.effects of my past with me everyday.
so yes. im blessed to have incredible parents who saved my life and have made me the strong person i know i am today. but even they cant change what happened to me before i could even walk or talk. or what continued to happen.
so people see this girl with 'the perfect life', supposedly clever, sporty, attractive, middle class, welleducated blah blah blah.
but remember. never assume. because everyone has skeletons in their closet. and trust me. i have even more than im willing to write here.
i write all that out,drag it from that place in my brain which i try not to think of. and then now ive remembered, relived it i think,yes,its ok,i deserve to be a little down,its ok to be a little self pitying.
then i remember no,its not.because noone knows. so a couple of family friends know about my 'violent' brother. a few know i had a complicated adoption. my parents know almost everything. but noone except ME knows everything ive gone through. IM the one tormented by the memories. IM the one who has sleepless nights of nightmares and flashbacks,who is sometimes so tired from the buzzing brain but dreads sleep because of the nightmares it brings.the nightmares which arent made up but are memories.
so i cant afford myself this time to wallow in misery.
things happen in life.
but i have the perfect life right? im going to be a doctor. im middle class. i have lots of friends and a supportive family. forget all the shit and im the happiest girl in the planet.
but that is what this is about right?
i cant forget.
who can forget that.
i wish i could write it out. what actually happened. but even after all these years im still too scared.
im going to stop before i have another freak out.
The truth
Hello.
So I realised something. There is nothing wrong with me! Apart from being fat obviously. But yah. I'm not ''eating disordered not otherwise specified'. I dont have an eating disorder! I've just been on one big fat failure of a diet the last ten years! Now i can see people thinking erm how can someone failure at a diet for ten years? Well its because i lose, gain, lose gain. Ive got to stop gaining! And the only reason i ever gain is because people convince me im sick, convince me there is something abnormal about me not eating and convince me i should eat and i get scared that they might be right and maybe i do need to eat maybe the fact i sometimes faint up to 4x a day means i should eat and maybe i have lost the weight my scales say i have even though i always look the same if not fatter.
But now ive realised. Im just a weak fat fuck who has been on this pathetic diet far too long. It has got to stop!
From now on. No eating. It is pretty simply. They call me eating disordered? I'll give them eating disordered. Why would someone who hates themselves and think theyre fat eat/binge? Its so so stupid. Everything is my own fault. When i fast im happy. So why did i ever eat? Out of guilt. Because ive grown up in a piggish society where it is normal to eat yourselves to death. That grosses me out. Starving to death however doesnt gross me out, it saddens me, but id rather die of being thin than of being fat.
Im going to stop the ED thoughts in my brain everyday because the truth is i dont have one, i think ive been too selfobsessed all my life, too absorbed in the things that happened to me from the moment i was born in an ambulance out of a druggie teenagers fanny to most the way through my teens. I need to stop living in the past. Stop blaming the past for everything. The truth is my life sucks because im fat. My life is perfect, ive got everything i ever wanted, im where i always wanted to be in life.
Yet im not happy. Why? Because im fat. And its disgusting. And ive got to stop kidding myself its ok to be fat because its a disorder so i supposedly 'cant help it'. It is time i took back control.
I CONTROL THIS. Food no longer controls me. I dont want it. So i wont have it.
End of.
I am fat so i am on a diet.
I do not have an eating disorder.
Im fine.
And when im skinny ill be perfect.
So I realised something. There is nothing wrong with me! Apart from being fat obviously. But yah. I'm not ''eating disordered not otherwise specified'. I dont have an eating disorder! I've just been on one big fat failure of a diet the last ten years! Now i can see people thinking erm how can someone failure at a diet for ten years? Well its because i lose, gain, lose gain. Ive got to stop gaining! And the only reason i ever gain is because people convince me im sick, convince me there is something abnormal about me not eating and convince me i should eat and i get scared that they might be right and maybe i do need to eat maybe the fact i sometimes faint up to 4x a day means i should eat and maybe i have lost the weight my scales say i have even though i always look the same if not fatter.
But now ive realised. Im just a weak fat fuck who has been on this pathetic diet far too long. It has got to stop!
From now on. No eating. It is pretty simply. They call me eating disordered? I'll give them eating disordered. Why would someone who hates themselves and think theyre fat eat/binge? Its so so stupid. Everything is my own fault. When i fast im happy. So why did i ever eat? Out of guilt. Because ive grown up in a piggish society where it is normal to eat yourselves to death. That grosses me out. Starving to death however doesnt gross me out, it saddens me, but id rather die of being thin than of being fat.
Im going to stop the ED thoughts in my brain everyday because the truth is i dont have one, i think ive been too selfobsessed all my life, too absorbed in the things that happened to me from the moment i was born in an ambulance out of a druggie teenagers fanny to most the way through my teens. I need to stop living in the past. Stop blaming the past for everything. The truth is my life sucks because im fat. My life is perfect, ive got everything i ever wanted, im where i always wanted to be in life.
Yet im not happy. Why? Because im fat. And its disgusting. And ive got to stop kidding myself its ok to be fat because its a disorder so i supposedly 'cant help it'. It is time i took back control.
I CONTROL THIS. Food no longer controls me. I dont want it. So i wont have it.
End of.
I am fat so i am on a diet.
I do not have an eating disorder.
Im fine.
And when im skinny ill be perfect.
Thursday, 20 January 2011
I am such a fat stupid ugly idiot.
I hate myself. I am so stupid. I always get upset by things i could have prevented. Why did i fall for someone who couldn't care less about me? How many times will it hurt me yet i will continue to pine after him hoping that this time is the time he will be the perfect guy and not hurt me?
I know that even if he once loved me he doesnt anymore. I know i get in his way and he finds me annoying and its too much effort for him to see me anymore unless he thinks he is going to get sex out of it. Yet i continue to hope that one day we will be together.
Today a mutual friend told me what S has been up to...commenting on which girls are hot, flirting with them all, putting me down and laughing along with jokes other people make about me, talking about our private sex lives in a way which is derogotary to me... the worst thing is he has done it before and denied it even though i've seen the evidence on facebook/texts. So when he cant get out of it he uses the excuse 'oh it was just jokes we were just being lads' as if that makes any difference?! as my friends always remind me, if he loved me he wouldnt care what his friends thought, he would stick up for me and not make inappropriate jokes just to make himself look cool.
If he loved me he would put the past behind us and move in for a happy future. I can put the fact that he has made my ED worse than ever to the back of my mind because i love him and i dont blame him. it is my love for him that is making my ed worse, because i want him to love me and want me and need me more than anyone else and the only way i feel i can succeed is by being skinny.
if i see him talking to any girl, i dont immediately think oh he is flirting with her im jealous, but i do think, that girls skinnier than me and use that as motivation to keep fasting. its like im not jealous of girls he is with on a day to day basis but if i see him with a particularly skinnnnny girl,even if she is ugly, i will be extra motivated not to eat.
the funny thing is he claims not to like skinny girls.and i do believe him because when we were broken up the girls he flirted with were fat. but eve though he claims not to like skinny girls i cant get it out my head that if i were skinny everything would be better and he would want me again.
i know he and i are never going to be together again whether im fat normal or skinny. but the only way i can cope with that is by focussing all my thoughts on fasting. if im focussing on studying and not eating i dont have much space left in my brain to get upset by not being with him. and if like today something happens to upset me i automatically think dont worry, its ok, this is just a sign that i cant eat until next week, thats ok, its a good thing this happened, im fat and i dont deserve him so this is why this has happened and im glad it happened because its extra motivation to get my fat arse into gear.
ive realised something has changed inside me. my goal used to be 8 stone but ive realised even close to that im far from happy, now my goal is 7 and a half...which would make be very ill given the fact im quite tall.
but i dont care.
i want to be thin. then he will love me. and i might love myself.
no matter how much he hurts me i will stick by him. because i love him. i am nothing without him. plus. he feeds my ed. whether im with him or not. he is in my head. telling me how disgusting and ugly and fat i am. its funny. the voice inside my head never used to sound a certain way. now its his voice in my head. and it hurts. but its my own fault for being such a FAT PIG. yuck. ergh.
have you ever want to just float away out of your body? i wish i could detach myself from my body, and not be weighed down by its grossness. i want to be free.
I know that even if he once loved me he doesnt anymore. I know i get in his way and he finds me annoying and its too much effort for him to see me anymore unless he thinks he is going to get sex out of it. Yet i continue to hope that one day we will be together.
Today a mutual friend told me what S has been up to...commenting on which girls are hot, flirting with them all, putting me down and laughing along with jokes other people make about me, talking about our private sex lives in a way which is derogotary to me... the worst thing is he has done it before and denied it even though i've seen the evidence on facebook/texts. So when he cant get out of it he uses the excuse 'oh it was just jokes we were just being lads' as if that makes any difference?! as my friends always remind me, if he loved me he wouldnt care what his friends thought, he would stick up for me and not make inappropriate jokes just to make himself look cool.
If he loved me he would put the past behind us and move in for a happy future. I can put the fact that he has made my ED worse than ever to the back of my mind because i love him and i dont blame him. it is my love for him that is making my ed worse, because i want him to love me and want me and need me more than anyone else and the only way i feel i can succeed is by being skinny.
if i see him talking to any girl, i dont immediately think oh he is flirting with her im jealous, but i do think, that girls skinnier than me and use that as motivation to keep fasting. its like im not jealous of girls he is with on a day to day basis but if i see him with a particularly skinnnnny girl,even if she is ugly, i will be extra motivated not to eat.
the funny thing is he claims not to like skinny girls.and i do believe him because when we were broken up the girls he flirted with were fat. but eve though he claims not to like skinny girls i cant get it out my head that if i were skinny everything would be better and he would want me again.
i know he and i are never going to be together again whether im fat normal or skinny. but the only way i can cope with that is by focussing all my thoughts on fasting. if im focussing on studying and not eating i dont have much space left in my brain to get upset by not being with him. and if like today something happens to upset me i automatically think dont worry, its ok, this is just a sign that i cant eat until next week, thats ok, its a good thing this happened, im fat and i dont deserve him so this is why this has happened and im glad it happened because its extra motivation to get my fat arse into gear.
ive realised something has changed inside me. my goal used to be 8 stone but ive realised even close to that im far from happy, now my goal is 7 and a half...which would make be very ill given the fact im quite tall.
but i dont care.
i want to be thin. then he will love me. and i might love myself.
no matter how much he hurts me i will stick by him. because i love him. i am nothing without him. plus. he feeds my ed. whether im with him or not. he is in my head. telling me how disgusting and ugly and fat i am. its funny. the voice inside my head never used to sound a certain way. now its his voice in my head. and it hurts. but its my own fault for being such a FAT PIG. yuck. ergh.
have you ever want to just float away out of your body? i wish i could detach myself from my body, and not be weighed down by its grossness. i want to be free.
Exciting future :)
So i've posted a long depressing post about my appointment already today, but now its the evening before a big day for me and im excited, so happy post time!
Tomorrow is my first day on wards as a medical student. My stethoscopes all ready to go and im soo excited but of course nervous at the same time! Typically EDwise, my nerves are about what to wear,because im scared ill be bloated and so my waisted pencil skirt will make me look fat...but then i found out there is an obese person in my group...as in actually will probably die soon obese, and i know my BMI is lower end of normal/almost underweight, so even though i feel fat i logically know im not.
So i wont be the fattest there. Which gives me confidence.
And yes i feel guilty for thinking like that. I hate myself for judging people based on their size but i cant help it-the first thing i notice about people is their bodies, which parts of them are or arent fat, i can analyse their entire figure with one fleeting glance, decide how i compare, and then whether i feel ok or like shit. Usually i end up feeling like shit (my body dysmorphia means i think even friends who wear jeans 8inches bigger than me are skinnier),so i dont know why i continue to do it, but i cant help myself.
And the guilt i feel about thinking people are fat who arent fat, or ugly who arent ugly, only serve to make me see myself as an even badder person than i already do, i feel guilty, horrible rude, bitchy, and even less deserving of food. I dont conciously think 'i dont deserve food so i will deny myself food', but im beginning to realise that is it...if im unhappy with myself in anyway-whether i didnt get an A or the A wasnt 100%, or i didnt lose at least 1lb that day or indeed only lost 1 instead of 2, or someone said i look 'thin' rather than the 'skinny' adjective i prefer...then i will immediately feel like a failure and know i wont eat for at least that day if not the next and next and next...
My brain is so weird!
But yay for tomorrow!x
Tomorrow is my first day on wards as a medical student. My stethoscopes all ready to go and im soo excited but of course nervous at the same time! Typically EDwise, my nerves are about what to wear,because im scared ill be bloated and so my waisted pencil skirt will make me look fat...but then i found out there is an obese person in my group...as in actually will probably die soon obese, and i know my BMI is lower end of normal/almost underweight, so even though i feel fat i logically know im not.
So i wont be the fattest there. Which gives me confidence.
And yes i feel guilty for thinking like that. I hate myself for judging people based on their size but i cant help it-the first thing i notice about people is their bodies, which parts of them are or arent fat, i can analyse their entire figure with one fleeting glance, decide how i compare, and then whether i feel ok or like shit. Usually i end up feeling like shit (my body dysmorphia means i think even friends who wear jeans 8inches bigger than me are skinnier),so i dont know why i continue to do it, but i cant help myself.
And the guilt i feel about thinking people are fat who arent fat, or ugly who arent ugly, only serve to make me see myself as an even badder person than i already do, i feel guilty, horrible rude, bitchy, and even less deserving of food. I dont conciously think 'i dont deserve food so i will deny myself food', but im beginning to realise that is it...if im unhappy with myself in anyway-whether i didnt get an A or the A wasnt 100%, or i didnt lose at least 1lb that day or indeed only lost 1 instead of 2, or someone said i look 'thin' rather than the 'skinny' adjective i prefer...then i will immediately feel like a failure and know i wont eat for at least that day if not the next and next and next...
My brain is so weird!
But yay for tomorrow!x
My 1st appointment at YCED
Sorry i haven't updated this sooner. Things have been all over the place the last few days. Last night was the first night i slept since Sunday because ive been in a whirlwind spiral of insomnia/gym/insomnia/gym just panicking about the appointment and how much ive gained in this bizarre binge fortnight ive had.
So. What happened?
I arrived and went up to ward 6 as my letter instructed. This freakkkkked me out. There were the most beautiful tiny girls sitting around, one had a drip on a stand thing... i know they are really ill and i shouldnt feel like this...but i was jealous...i want to be that thin...how warped is my brain?!
Then it turned out i had been sent to the wrong place and so i went downstairs to ward 5... i was a bit annoyed tbh that the letter had told me to go to the ward where inpatients were...surely they should be careful about that because its triggering? And also for the patients there...i just walked in...no security...i could have been anyone!
Anyway...ward 5...happens to have the same waiting room as gender identity...now i have no issues with any type of sexuality or transgenderness. but ive only ever seen transvestites and transsexuals on tv. then suddenly i was in a waiting room for possibly the scariest hospital appointment ive had in a long time,and sitting around me are men,dressed as women,some look quite feminine,some have had boob jobs,some are at the early transistion stage and are literally men in womens clothes,some look pretty.either way i found it disturbing. i realise some of you reading this will be offended at that. but im not going to apologise. i went to hospital for an issue really harrowing for me, and then im confronted by people completeeeeely different to me, who i think anyone would struggle with meeting for the first time. i didnt know where to look or not look. yet it is nature to stare at new things/unusual people, just out of interest. i have nothing against them,ive just never seen anyone like that before. basically what im saying is i found it strange that an ed centre/gender identity centre would share a waiting room when both sets of patients are troubled in some way, but so differently.
then the most beautiful man walked in. i shouldnt stereotype but my first thought was,he doesnt look like someone with an ed. and he certainly wasnt transsexual. i started to panic about how fat i looked, how hot and flustered (it was boilllling in there and i had a zillion layers on as had gym clothes on under actual outfit). then in walks his utterly stunning,tinnnnnny,gorgeous girlfriend. they sat there cuddling and smooching away,him whispering adoring things into her ear. i wished then more than anything that the guy im in love with (see previous post, going to call him S for now),had come with me. he may not be my boyfriend,but he is the one person i tell everything too. he doesnt really understand where im coming from,but he listens. i feel like if i knew he had an appointment for anything,id offer to come with him. but he knows when i have appointments coming up and never offers to come. the couple of times ive tentatively asked him to he makes up excuses...i guess its a scary thing to do to go with someone to an appointment...but its even scarier for me. i just wished i had someone like that to hold my hand and comfort me as i waited.
something i did realise is that girl and i were so similar. we were both on verge of tears. both fidgeting away nervously. both got loads of layers on even though it was boiling neither of us were undressing...strange.
so. the appointment. there was a female and male psychiatrist. the woman did most of the questioning and talking, the man wrote the notes and occasionally asked/added something extra.
first things first they asked to weigh me. i burst into tears.
i havent weighed myself for a fortnight because ive been eating normal and bingeing,which is so unlike me,and id only vomited 2x,so i knew not only would i have gained some fat,but all that food and water weight too.
they saw my distress and weighed me backwards so all was ok. until the women said...''oh so when you were referred your bmi was 18,its now 20!!!''...
i was distraught and promptly burst into tears again. this is the Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders. if im eating disordered like they say then they must deal with people like me all the time. they agreed to keep my weight secret then told me my bmi...how can they not realise that im so obsessed with my weight that i know its equivalent in pounds/stone/kg/bmi?!! by telling me my bmi i knew how much id gained! and the way she said it...so shocked...interpreted by my ed brain as...oo you fat shit youve gained alllll that weight in succcchhh a short space of time! i afterwards realised they only made me take off my trainers and i later weighed myself naked and after being to loo and i was 6lb lighter so that was a little comforting.
the women continued to make me feel bad throughout the appointment. i felt like she didnt believe me. i explained that i usually fast and set myself one eating or bingeing day a week, but that the last fortnight id done something unprecendented for me,which was eat/binge nonstop for a whole 14 days. therefore she should have realised id have gained a lot quickly. but instead she seemed to think i was lying about my eating patterns. she kept saying 'i dont see how you weigh X if you only eat like Y' etc...
i spoke to my mum about it afterwards and she was outraged. like i feel like ive had massive binge even if i eat less than normal people. so im already soooo so guilty about what ive eaten that fortnight of what i perceive as bingeing,but this woman belittles everything i say...she asked me how many calories i consume in a binge...i told her i had no idea i dont base things on calories...she asked me to estimate..i said 2000, she LAUGHED IN MY FACE can you believe, and said from what youve described thats maximum 200 which isnt a binge. and i felt too stupid to tell her well actually for me that is.
she didnt seem to get it into her head that i dont make myself vomit. in the last month i have 2x,admittedly both times in the last fortnight of bingeing. but whilst my diagnosis is EDNOS she kept trying to call me bulimic, even though i told her ths fortnight of bingeing is a new thing and i havent vomited regularly since last summer. the man obviously saw where i was coming from more and said no she is more anorexic, then the woman looked at the paper where she had written my weight and said no she is no way anorexic!
they were discussing/almost arguing in front of me about my diagnosis, and i felt like screaming at them IVE ALREADY BEEN DIAGNOSED IM NOT ANA OR MIA IM EDNOS FFS!!!
the man seemed to listen when i explained that the last fortnight had been abnormal because i was stressed about appointment and when making extra effort to be normal i just ended up bingeing. but the woman seemed to be basically saying, you wouldnt be tht fat if you usually fast.
then they talked about me mentally...they brought up my past, which i knew they would...but they asked me very direct questions... were you ever xxxxxxxxxx did xxxxxxxx ever happen to you. i denied everything in a way which i think looked like a normal truthful no. i think they woman bought it, but the man looked at me suspiciously. i defs preferred the man, he seemed to be more on my wavelength.
i had nightmares/flashbacks when i finally slept last night. its why i think i dont want help as i know theyll try delve into my past to find the source of this ed, and when that happens and things are remembered i cant cope.
then my physical side. she said i have polysomethingmyosomething is basically thinning of my enamel and chipping of my front teeth,apparently caused by my vomiting. thing is though i dont think i even used to vomit thatttt much,only like max 6x a day,so i think its more likely due to diet coke...which i have stopped drinking!
then she said something that shocked me...i have frequent bloodtests and ecgs because of my ed. my gp hadnt told me anything about the ones i had done in november when i had to go to hospital because of dehydration,so i assumed i was fine, but then the woman told me im hyposomething anaemic. i asked her to explain the science behind it and she said basically mild anaemia of that type is when 1% of your cells lack haemoglobin,but that 12% of mine lack it therefore im very anaemic which explains my breathlessness,lethargy,cold hands feet,pale colouring etc. i got confused as i a med student and thought anaemia was iron deficiency but she was saying 12% of my red blood cells were mishaped because they contained no hb. weird. anyway, whatever.
we discussed treatment. ive previously been prescribed 20mg fluoextine but im a 'nonadherent patient' meaning i dont do what my dr advises because i think i know best! fluoextine is basically prozac and i disagree with it because i dont think im depressed. i get low when i eat,but i dont eat much so i dont see point in taking pills which take 4 weeks to work on off chance i get low when i eat in 4 weeks time. i hate unnecessary medication.
however, ive now been prescribed 60mg which treats ed rather than depression so ill probably take it. apparently itll treat the thoughts in my brain,the obsessiveness with weight and food as apparently as well as treating depression its for anxiety and ocd. so i suppose i could try it. plus when i did first try it it made me lose my appetite completely and i got to my lowest weight whoop lol...probs not what the dr intends!!
my fear about the appointment was that id be too fat for treatment. but they want me to go there 1-3x a week to see an outpatient nurse who will go through meal plans with me and encourage/support. personally i dont see how this will help me. i have a supportive mum and friends who i could do that with, but i guess its worth a shot.
however, since the appointment ive felt even worse about myself, i havent eaten and i dont forsee myself ever wanting to eat again. i felt fat before hand and this lady has made me feel even worse. she made me realise even more than i already did how much ive gained. im now even more determined to do my new routine of 30mins running 30mins weights every single day with zero food intake. that will show her im not a liar. she even asked me... do YOU think you have a problem?
why the hell would i be putting myself through an interrogation by 2 psychiatrists in a mental health hospital for eating disorders if i didnt think i had a problem?!!
on the way out i was accosted by a madman. he wanted to know if i was visiting? no. are you visiting? no. what you doing here then? i had an appointment. what for? i dont want to talk about it. he stank and sat next to me intruding my personal space and breathing over me. i got up and walked away to wait for my taxi elsewhere leaving him yelling after me.
i realise ed's are supposedly mental health disorders (although theres a lot of evidence suggesting its actually due to chemical imbalance in the brain),but i do feel that in going to get help i shouldnt have to deal with transistioning transsexuals and madmen that accost me in the corridor and make me feel uncomfortable and scared, plus its not the first time thats happened. i went to the same hospital for a support group last term, i hated it,mainly because i was told to go to the mia one even though im more ana,so i couldnt relate to the mia people and they disgusted me (yes i know im a horrible person,but one of them was so fat she had to stand as couldnt fit her bum between the arms of the chair!)...there was a scary lady there who had no social skills and accosted everyone telling them how much she had eaten about her life how she was just divorced blah blah and asking impertinent questions,with no realisation for a persons body language. when she came up to me she was like well you're quiet arent you whats wrong with you?! so i said to her, this is my first time and im here to listen not speak but she just wouldnt leave me alone,tried to get my phone number,offered me lift home and wouldnt take no for answer,in end i got so freaked out by her i had to lie and say my boyfriend was going to be there any minute so would she mind leaving me alone, and still she pestered me,i was honestly terrified of her.obviously she had other issues as well as an ed but my point is... i feel nervous and scared enough about getting help for my ed, without being confronted by people with all sorts of mental illnesses at the same time. i have nothing against these people,i cannot wait to be a dr and treat people with mh illnesses one day,and i myself have a history of sh etc so im not exactly sane, but i do think the ed unit shouldnt be in such close proximity with people who are genuinely scary.
the waiting list for treatment is 1-2 months. in that time i plan to get my bmi down to at least 17.5.
''treatment'' so far is just motivating me to lose.
So. What happened?
I arrived and went up to ward 6 as my letter instructed. This freakkkkked me out. There were the most beautiful tiny girls sitting around, one had a drip on a stand thing... i know they are really ill and i shouldnt feel like this...but i was jealous...i want to be that thin...how warped is my brain?!
Then it turned out i had been sent to the wrong place and so i went downstairs to ward 5... i was a bit annoyed tbh that the letter had told me to go to the ward where inpatients were...surely they should be careful about that because its triggering? And also for the patients there...i just walked in...no security...i could have been anyone!
Anyway...ward 5...happens to have the same waiting room as gender identity...now i have no issues with any type of sexuality or transgenderness. but ive only ever seen transvestites and transsexuals on tv. then suddenly i was in a waiting room for possibly the scariest hospital appointment ive had in a long time,and sitting around me are men,dressed as women,some look quite feminine,some have had boob jobs,some are at the early transistion stage and are literally men in womens clothes,some look pretty.either way i found it disturbing. i realise some of you reading this will be offended at that. but im not going to apologise. i went to hospital for an issue really harrowing for me, and then im confronted by people completeeeeely different to me, who i think anyone would struggle with meeting for the first time. i didnt know where to look or not look. yet it is nature to stare at new things/unusual people, just out of interest. i have nothing against them,ive just never seen anyone like that before. basically what im saying is i found it strange that an ed centre/gender identity centre would share a waiting room when both sets of patients are troubled in some way, but so differently.
then the most beautiful man walked in. i shouldnt stereotype but my first thought was,he doesnt look like someone with an ed. and he certainly wasnt transsexual. i started to panic about how fat i looked, how hot and flustered (it was boilllling in there and i had a zillion layers on as had gym clothes on under actual outfit). then in walks his utterly stunning,tinnnnnny,gorgeous girlfriend. they sat there cuddling and smooching away,him whispering adoring things into her ear. i wished then more than anything that the guy im in love with (see previous post, going to call him S for now),had come with me. he may not be my boyfriend,but he is the one person i tell everything too. he doesnt really understand where im coming from,but he listens. i feel like if i knew he had an appointment for anything,id offer to come with him. but he knows when i have appointments coming up and never offers to come. the couple of times ive tentatively asked him to he makes up excuses...i guess its a scary thing to do to go with someone to an appointment...but its even scarier for me. i just wished i had someone like that to hold my hand and comfort me as i waited.
something i did realise is that girl and i were so similar. we were both on verge of tears. both fidgeting away nervously. both got loads of layers on even though it was boiling neither of us were undressing...strange.
so. the appointment. there was a female and male psychiatrist. the woman did most of the questioning and talking, the man wrote the notes and occasionally asked/added something extra.
first things first they asked to weigh me. i burst into tears.
i havent weighed myself for a fortnight because ive been eating normal and bingeing,which is so unlike me,and id only vomited 2x,so i knew not only would i have gained some fat,but all that food and water weight too.
they saw my distress and weighed me backwards so all was ok. until the women said...''oh so when you were referred your bmi was 18,its now 20!!!''...
i was distraught and promptly burst into tears again. this is the Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders. if im eating disordered like they say then they must deal with people like me all the time. they agreed to keep my weight secret then told me my bmi...how can they not realise that im so obsessed with my weight that i know its equivalent in pounds/stone/kg/bmi?!! by telling me my bmi i knew how much id gained! and the way she said it...so shocked...interpreted by my ed brain as...oo you fat shit youve gained alllll that weight in succcchhh a short space of time! i afterwards realised they only made me take off my trainers and i later weighed myself naked and after being to loo and i was 6lb lighter so that was a little comforting.
the women continued to make me feel bad throughout the appointment. i felt like she didnt believe me. i explained that i usually fast and set myself one eating or bingeing day a week, but that the last fortnight id done something unprecendented for me,which was eat/binge nonstop for a whole 14 days. therefore she should have realised id have gained a lot quickly. but instead she seemed to think i was lying about my eating patterns. she kept saying 'i dont see how you weigh X if you only eat like Y' etc...
i spoke to my mum about it afterwards and she was outraged. like i feel like ive had massive binge even if i eat less than normal people. so im already soooo so guilty about what ive eaten that fortnight of what i perceive as bingeing,but this woman belittles everything i say...she asked me how many calories i consume in a binge...i told her i had no idea i dont base things on calories...she asked me to estimate..i said 2000, she LAUGHED IN MY FACE can you believe, and said from what youve described thats maximum 200 which isnt a binge. and i felt too stupid to tell her well actually for me that is.
she didnt seem to get it into her head that i dont make myself vomit. in the last month i have 2x,admittedly both times in the last fortnight of bingeing. but whilst my diagnosis is EDNOS she kept trying to call me bulimic, even though i told her ths fortnight of bingeing is a new thing and i havent vomited regularly since last summer. the man obviously saw where i was coming from more and said no she is more anorexic, then the woman looked at the paper where she had written my weight and said no she is no way anorexic!
they were discussing/almost arguing in front of me about my diagnosis, and i felt like screaming at them IVE ALREADY BEEN DIAGNOSED IM NOT ANA OR MIA IM EDNOS FFS!!!
the man seemed to listen when i explained that the last fortnight had been abnormal because i was stressed about appointment and when making extra effort to be normal i just ended up bingeing. but the woman seemed to be basically saying, you wouldnt be tht fat if you usually fast.
then they talked about me mentally...they brought up my past, which i knew they would...but they asked me very direct questions... were you ever xxxxxxxxxx did xxxxxxxx ever happen to you. i denied everything in a way which i think looked like a normal truthful no. i think they woman bought it, but the man looked at me suspiciously. i defs preferred the man, he seemed to be more on my wavelength.
i had nightmares/flashbacks when i finally slept last night. its why i think i dont want help as i know theyll try delve into my past to find the source of this ed, and when that happens and things are remembered i cant cope.
then my physical side. she said i have polysomethingmyosomething is basically thinning of my enamel and chipping of my front teeth,apparently caused by my vomiting. thing is though i dont think i even used to vomit thatttt much,only like max 6x a day,so i think its more likely due to diet coke...which i have stopped drinking!
then she said something that shocked me...i have frequent bloodtests and ecgs because of my ed. my gp hadnt told me anything about the ones i had done in november when i had to go to hospital because of dehydration,so i assumed i was fine, but then the woman told me im hyposomething anaemic. i asked her to explain the science behind it and she said basically mild anaemia of that type is when 1% of your cells lack haemoglobin,but that 12% of mine lack it therefore im very anaemic which explains my breathlessness,lethargy,cold hands feet,pale colouring etc. i got confused as i a med student and thought anaemia was iron deficiency but she was saying 12% of my red blood cells were mishaped because they contained no hb. weird. anyway, whatever.
we discussed treatment. ive previously been prescribed 20mg fluoextine but im a 'nonadherent patient' meaning i dont do what my dr advises because i think i know best! fluoextine is basically prozac and i disagree with it because i dont think im depressed. i get low when i eat,but i dont eat much so i dont see point in taking pills which take 4 weeks to work on off chance i get low when i eat in 4 weeks time. i hate unnecessary medication.
however, ive now been prescribed 60mg which treats ed rather than depression so ill probably take it. apparently itll treat the thoughts in my brain,the obsessiveness with weight and food as apparently as well as treating depression its for anxiety and ocd. so i suppose i could try it. plus when i did first try it it made me lose my appetite completely and i got to my lowest weight whoop lol...probs not what the dr intends!!
my fear about the appointment was that id be too fat for treatment. but they want me to go there 1-3x a week to see an outpatient nurse who will go through meal plans with me and encourage/support. personally i dont see how this will help me. i have a supportive mum and friends who i could do that with, but i guess its worth a shot.
however, since the appointment ive felt even worse about myself, i havent eaten and i dont forsee myself ever wanting to eat again. i felt fat before hand and this lady has made me feel even worse. she made me realise even more than i already did how much ive gained. im now even more determined to do my new routine of 30mins running 30mins weights every single day with zero food intake. that will show her im not a liar. she even asked me... do YOU think you have a problem?
why the hell would i be putting myself through an interrogation by 2 psychiatrists in a mental health hospital for eating disorders if i didnt think i had a problem?!!
on the way out i was accosted by a madman. he wanted to know if i was visiting? no. are you visiting? no. what you doing here then? i had an appointment. what for? i dont want to talk about it. he stank and sat next to me intruding my personal space and breathing over me. i got up and walked away to wait for my taxi elsewhere leaving him yelling after me.
i realise ed's are supposedly mental health disorders (although theres a lot of evidence suggesting its actually due to chemical imbalance in the brain),but i do feel that in going to get help i shouldnt have to deal with transistioning transsexuals and madmen that accost me in the corridor and make me feel uncomfortable and scared, plus its not the first time thats happened. i went to the same hospital for a support group last term, i hated it,mainly because i was told to go to the mia one even though im more ana,so i couldnt relate to the mia people and they disgusted me (yes i know im a horrible person,but one of them was so fat she had to stand as couldnt fit her bum between the arms of the chair!)...there was a scary lady there who had no social skills and accosted everyone telling them how much she had eaten about her life how she was just divorced blah blah and asking impertinent questions,with no realisation for a persons body language. when she came up to me she was like well you're quiet arent you whats wrong with you?! so i said to her, this is my first time and im here to listen not speak but she just wouldnt leave me alone,tried to get my phone number,offered me lift home and wouldnt take no for answer,in end i got so freaked out by her i had to lie and say my boyfriend was going to be there any minute so would she mind leaving me alone, and still she pestered me,i was honestly terrified of her.obviously she had other issues as well as an ed but my point is... i feel nervous and scared enough about getting help for my ed, without being confronted by people with all sorts of mental illnesses at the same time. i have nothing against these people,i cannot wait to be a dr and treat people with mh illnesses one day,and i myself have a history of sh etc so im not exactly sane, but i do think the ed unit shouldnt be in such close proximity with people who are genuinely scary.
the waiting list for treatment is 1-2 months. in that time i plan to get my bmi down to at least 17.5.
''treatment'' so far is just motivating me to lose.
Monday, 17 January 2011
Appointment tomorrow....freak out
So tomorrow i have my appointment at the Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders (YCED). IM FREAKING OUT SO MASSIVELY.
I first went for help this time last year because i was vomiting several times a day and was so ashamed and it was disgusting i just wanted out.
But i barely ever vomit now so i dont think i want help.
I wasnt going to go to the appointment tomorrow but today i received a letter from my Mum about my ED, saying how she will never understand why i cant give the fuel my body needs, but that she does understand im not in control of it anymore. The letter made me cry. I feel so in control when i fast, but my mum is right, it isnt my decision not to eat, nor is this recent bingeing episode my decision. I used to be in total control. Now i have no control.
Im freaking out right now, sitting here sobbing, not upset, but terrified. I have to go to ward 6 tomorrow. Ive been to the Newsam centre before for a stupid self help group i went to once and never returned to. When i was there i saw a girl obviously inpatient saying goodbye to her mum who had been visiting. Obviously she was very sick but it just made me feel jealous and even more huge than i already feel.
Ive been bingeing for over a week now so im probably 9 stone by now. Girls in there will be 4 and a half stone, HALF MY BODY WEIGHT. How is me going in there going to help things? All it will do is motivate me not to eat again. Which is probably what i want right? All i know is i want to be thin. Im fed up of being the obese girl who waddles everywhere and gets stared at. I want to be thin already! Ideally i would like to be skinny but thin would be a good starting point.
I dont see how getting treatment will help.
And theyre not going to treat me anyway. Ive gained weight since they accepted my referral, my BMI is now healthy. Im bingeing! How will i sit there and admit outloud ive been bngeing?! i just had to adjust the questionnaire they asked me to fill out from 0 binges in the last 28 days to 7. im so embarrassed,arghhhhh.
I know ed clnics are not just for anorexics but for bingeeaters or bulimics too,but i feel so much shame in bingeing. I not sure i can sit there and be honest with them. But then again thats better than lying and having them wonder why im so fat.
And i absolutely can not be weighed. I havent weighed myself since this binge episode started. I know ill be at least 9 stone by now ewwwwww. I know theyll offer me to be weighed backwards bt thats even more humiliating, woooo look at me,im fat.
I cant let them weigh me. And if they say they have to ill just say ill leave then.
So why am i even going to the appointment if im going to refuse to cooperate?! i clearly dont want treatment! i dont wantis constant battle in my head but i do want to be thin. what i would love is to be able to eat 3 healthy meals a day without eating one thing and then losing control and having to binge. but i dont see that ever happening.
i thought my ed started when i was 11, but if i think hard about it i realise even at junior school i used to skip breakfast and throw my packed lunch away. and even at infant school i hated the school dinners. back at infants it was probably more just me being v v v fussy, but maybe my ed did start then? in which case ive had it for closer to 15 years than the 10 i thought. so there is no hope.
omg i am just so so embarrassed at the prospect of going tomorrow. i cant stop crying over how humiliating i know its going to be. and i never cry in front of anyone but i know tomorrow i will break down,i always cry in front of my gp as soon as eating comes up.
i am being pathetic and even freaking over what to wear! atm im so ashamed of my bingeing bloated body that all i can wear are baggy trackies and big jumpers, but i know they make me look even bigger than i am. im terrified of them judging me as just another fattie who cant control what she stuffs into her fat face. in reality that is what i am but truth hurts right? arghhhhhhhhhhhh i dont want to go!
but maybe if i go theyll stop me bingeing, that would be something right?
but i dont know what to wear. and i cant look in mirrors atm so cant even wear makeup.
and ill be going in gym clothes as going there straight from gym and thn have arranged to meet friend at gym again afterwards.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
meh.
help me.
I first went for help this time last year because i was vomiting several times a day and was so ashamed and it was disgusting i just wanted out.
But i barely ever vomit now so i dont think i want help.
I wasnt going to go to the appointment tomorrow but today i received a letter from my Mum about my ED, saying how she will never understand why i cant give the fuel my body needs, but that she does understand im not in control of it anymore. The letter made me cry. I feel so in control when i fast, but my mum is right, it isnt my decision not to eat, nor is this recent bingeing episode my decision. I used to be in total control. Now i have no control.
Im freaking out right now, sitting here sobbing, not upset, but terrified. I have to go to ward 6 tomorrow. Ive been to the Newsam centre before for a stupid self help group i went to once and never returned to. When i was there i saw a girl obviously inpatient saying goodbye to her mum who had been visiting. Obviously she was very sick but it just made me feel jealous and even more huge than i already feel.
Ive been bingeing for over a week now so im probably 9 stone by now. Girls in there will be 4 and a half stone, HALF MY BODY WEIGHT. How is me going in there going to help things? All it will do is motivate me not to eat again. Which is probably what i want right? All i know is i want to be thin. Im fed up of being the obese girl who waddles everywhere and gets stared at. I want to be thin already! Ideally i would like to be skinny but thin would be a good starting point.
I dont see how getting treatment will help.
And theyre not going to treat me anyway. Ive gained weight since they accepted my referral, my BMI is now healthy. Im bingeing! How will i sit there and admit outloud ive been bngeing?! i just had to adjust the questionnaire they asked me to fill out from 0 binges in the last 28 days to 7. im so embarrassed,arghhhhh.
I know ed clnics are not just for anorexics but for bingeeaters or bulimics too,but i feel so much shame in bingeing. I not sure i can sit there and be honest with them. But then again thats better than lying and having them wonder why im so fat.
And i absolutely can not be weighed. I havent weighed myself since this binge episode started. I know ill be at least 9 stone by now ewwwwww. I know theyll offer me to be weighed backwards bt thats even more humiliating, woooo look at me,im fat.
I cant let them weigh me. And if they say they have to ill just say ill leave then.
So why am i even going to the appointment if im going to refuse to cooperate?! i clearly dont want treatment! i dont wantis constant battle in my head but i do want to be thin. what i would love is to be able to eat 3 healthy meals a day without eating one thing and then losing control and having to binge. but i dont see that ever happening.
i thought my ed started when i was 11, but if i think hard about it i realise even at junior school i used to skip breakfast and throw my packed lunch away. and even at infant school i hated the school dinners. back at infants it was probably more just me being v v v fussy, but maybe my ed did start then? in which case ive had it for closer to 15 years than the 10 i thought. so there is no hope.
omg i am just so so embarrassed at the prospect of going tomorrow. i cant stop crying over how humiliating i know its going to be. and i never cry in front of anyone but i know tomorrow i will break down,i always cry in front of my gp as soon as eating comes up.
i am being pathetic and even freaking over what to wear! atm im so ashamed of my bingeing bloated body that all i can wear are baggy trackies and big jumpers, but i know they make me look even bigger than i am. im terrified of them judging me as just another fattie who cant control what she stuffs into her fat face. in reality that is what i am but truth hurts right? arghhhhhhhhhhhh i dont want to go!
but maybe if i go theyll stop me bingeing, that would be something right?
but i dont know what to wear. and i cant look in mirrors atm so cant even wear makeup.
and ill be going in gym clothes as going there straight from gym and thn have arranged to meet friend at gym again afterwards.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
meh.
help me.
Sunday, 16 January 2011
Positive plan of action!
Right. Im 21. I have a life. Well i should do. It is therefore time to stop the last 2 weeks worth of eating myself into a depression that has left me barely getting out of bed for fear of being seen and laughed at for my fattness.
So tomorrow is back to fasting!!!
I dont know when why or how this binge fortnight started but it has GOT TO STOP. It is making me feel so out of control because quite simply, I AM OUT OF CONTROL when i eat!
So. The plan:
Gym before uni...im so unfit and have really low blood pressure so will have to take it slowly to start with. 15min run and then if that doesnt make me vomit then perhaps a cycle or wave machine.
Leave wallet at home: only bring student card. I dont need to buy anything because i wont be eating and i will take bottle of water and thermos of peppermint tea with me, even if i dont drink it thats is extra weight to carry as i walk around!
Use every opportunity to walk! If someone wants company somewhere i dont need to go, walk with them!
Stairs not lift!
Always choose most active option.
Drink lots of water.
THINK POSITIVE!
First few days of fast after eating are hard as feel so disgustingly fat and ugly and full and heavy and lethargic, but i cannot give up! Within 3 days ill start to feel better and then can start to lose this binge weight and then the depression will lift and i can start living my life again!
POSITIVE THINKING!
One month till Valentines Day... I will be 8 stone by then, i owe it to myself xxx
So tomorrow is back to fasting!!!
I dont know when why or how this binge fortnight started but it has GOT TO STOP. It is making me feel so out of control because quite simply, I AM OUT OF CONTROL when i eat!
So. The plan:
Gym before uni...im so unfit and have really low blood pressure so will have to take it slowly to start with. 15min run and then if that doesnt make me vomit then perhaps a cycle or wave machine.
Leave wallet at home: only bring student card. I dont need to buy anything because i wont be eating and i will take bottle of water and thermos of peppermint tea with me, even if i dont drink it thats is extra weight to carry as i walk around!
Use every opportunity to walk! If someone wants company somewhere i dont need to go, walk with them!
Stairs not lift!
Always choose most active option.
Drink lots of water.
THINK POSITIVE!
First few days of fast after eating are hard as feel so disgustingly fat and ugly and full and heavy and lethargic, but i cannot give up! Within 3 days ill start to feel better and then can start to lose this binge weight and then the depression will lift and i can start living my life again!
POSITIVE THINKING!
One month till Valentines Day... I will be 8 stone by then, i owe it to myself xxx
Complete turn around...help!
So for months I have been restrictin what i eat, which basically means i fast 6 days a week and then on the 7th day eat something if i cant stop fainting or if its impacting negatively on my studying.
Ive never been a true binge eater. When i eat i feel like ive binged, but if i use the logical part of my brain i know ive actually eaten less than a 'normal' person without an ed would.
Now however. Im definately bingeing. The last 2 weeks ive eaten SO MUCH and i dont know why! When im doing it i hate myself for it and i know its going to make me feel even worse afterwards but i just.cant.stop. Afterwards i will feel ill for several hours, but then i will be hungry and binge.again.
And the worst thing about it is im not vomiting. Sometimes i am if i drink loads of water i just vomit naturally, but i havent stuck my fingers down my throat in yonks.
This scares me.
And its not even like oh there is food there i might as well eat it. I dont HAVE food in my house because I DONT EAT. usually. so recently when ive been bingeing ive had to make a special trip to the shop. you would think the more effort i have to go to to get my hands on food the more opportuinities id have to stop myself. yet i do it anyway.
and i hate it. i dont know why this is happening to me. i feel like the weakest piece of dirt on this planet. bingeing is so shameful. when i fast i feel inner pride. its not something i go shouting about,im embarrassed when people question my lack of eating, but thats still better than being seen eating. I hate eating in public even just fruit, let alone bingeing.
I hate people looking in my shopping bags when i got food in them, i hate eating in front of people.
I'm weird.
Ive been trying to come up with reasons why ive gone from fasting to eating everything and anything.
The only explanation i can think of is that i have an appointment with the ED centre on Tuesday and IM TERRIFIED. at first i wanted treated so the upcoming appointment was extra motivation to keep my bmi down. Then i realised what treatment means. Its not a magic cure where suddenly ill feel fine eating and my life will be as good as it is when im fasting. Treatment would mean a complete lack of control, someone else telling me what i have to eat and when, a chaotic life.
So i think what has happened is ive had a complete freak out at that prospect. After a year of waiting for the referral to go through and wanting help so much,ive now decided that is the worst thing that could happen, so ive been eating eating eating, to prove to somebody,maybe me,maybe my friends,that i CAN eat,i DONT need help, IM NORMAL.
im not kidding anybody. whats normal about going from eating nothing to eating nothing and then spending days in bed afterwards because of the depression that hits me after food intake? whats normal about being so secretive about what i do eat when i eat and almost crying when someone helps themselves to some of my food?i feel so selfish for not being able to share,but its like,i have to build myself up to eat,and if ive managed to persuade myself to eat,and spent hours plannign what im going to eat,how and when,for someone to the come along willynilly and shove their hands in my carefully planned meal...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
and then of course im bombarded with more feelings of guilt,feeling like a bad person,a selfish person,a freak, so it makes my eating habits worse.
today is sunday and i just ate this:
ok so i only ate half of it, but i feel like the most disgusting person on the planet. i havent eaten pasta in forever. i hate pasta. its scary, i hate how you eat it and feel full but then it continues to expandddddd in your stomach so you think youre going to burst. and its so chokeable on when you try to vom it up.
ok so i just ate half a bowl of pasta and feel like ive binged my face out. i realise logically that for some people thats smaller than a normal portion, but im now so ashamed of myself that i am dreading leaving the house tomorrow,convinced people will look at me the fat girl and SOMEHOW KNOW that i was greedy enough to eat half a bowl of pasta. i cant eat in front of people because i feel like im being stared at and everyone must be thinking: why is see eating when she is already that fat?
im 21. ive spent the last 2 weeks of eating/bingeing/whatever it is when i dont fast, depressed. hiding in bed. ashamed of myself. declining invites out because i feel to selfconcious and embarrassed. im 21,i should be out there living life to the full! and when i fast i do! whne i fast i have uber amounts of energy and feel amazing! so tomorrow is a new week a new beginning a new start. tomorrow my fast begins again.
Ive never been a true binge eater. When i eat i feel like ive binged, but if i use the logical part of my brain i know ive actually eaten less than a 'normal' person without an ed would.
Now however. Im definately bingeing. The last 2 weeks ive eaten SO MUCH and i dont know why! When im doing it i hate myself for it and i know its going to make me feel even worse afterwards but i just.cant.stop. Afterwards i will feel ill for several hours, but then i will be hungry and binge.again.
And the worst thing about it is im not vomiting. Sometimes i am if i drink loads of water i just vomit naturally, but i havent stuck my fingers down my throat in yonks.
This scares me.
And its not even like oh there is food there i might as well eat it. I dont HAVE food in my house because I DONT EAT. usually. so recently when ive been bingeing ive had to make a special trip to the shop. you would think the more effort i have to go to to get my hands on food the more opportuinities id have to stop myself. yet i do it anyway.
and i hate it. i dont know why this is happening to me. i feel like the weakest piece of dirt on this planet. bingeing is so shameful. when i fast i feel inner pride. its not something i go shouting about,im embarrassed when people question my lack of eating, but thats still better than being seen eating. I hate eating in public even just fruit, let alone bingeing.
I hate people looking in my shopping bags when i got food in them, i hate eating in front of people.
I'm weird.
Ive been trying to come up with reasons why ive gone from fasting to eating everything and anything.
The only explanation i can think of is that i have an appointment with the ED centre on Tuesday and IM TERRIFIED. at first i wanted treated so the upcoming appointment was extra motivation to keep my bmi down. Then i realised what treatment means. Its not a magic cure where suddenly ill feel fine eating and my life will be as good as it is when im fasting. Treatment would mean a complete lack of control, someone else telling me what i have to eat and when, a chaotic life.
So i think what has happened is ive had a complete freak out at that prospect. After a year of waiting for the referral to go through and wanting help so much,ive now decided that is the worst thing that could happen, so ive been eating eating eating, to prove to somebody,maybe me,maybe my friends,that i CAN eat,i DONT need help, IM NORMAL.
im not kidding anybody. whats normal about going from eating nothing to eating nothing and then spending days in bed afterwards because of the depression that hits me after food intake? whats normal about being so secretive about what i do eat when i eat and almost crying when someone helps themselves to some of my food?i feel so selfish for not being able to share,but its like,i have to build myself up to eat,and if ive managed to persuade myself to eat,and spent hours plannign what im going to eat,how and when,for someone to the come along willynilly and shove their hands in my carefully planned meal...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
and then of course im bombarded with more feelings of guilt,feeling like a bad person,a selfish person,a freak, so it makes my eating habits worse.
today is sunday and i just ate this:
ok so i just ate half a bowl of pasta and feel like ive binged my face out. i realise logically that for some people thats smaller than a normal portion, but im now so ashamed of myself that i am dreading leaving the house tomorrow,convinced people will look at me the fat girl and SOMEHOW KNOW that i was greedy enough to eat half a bowl of pasta. i cant eat in front of people because i feel like im being stared at and everyone must be thinking: why is see eating when she is already that fat?
im 21. ive spent the last 2 weeks of eating/bingeing/whatever it is when i dont fast, depressed. hiding in bed. ashamed of myself. declining invites out because i feel to selfconcious and embarrassed. im 21,i should be out there living life to the full! and when i fast i do! whne i fast i have uber amounts of energy and feel amazing! so tomorrow is a new week a new beginning a new start. tomorrow my fast begins again.
Saturday, 15 January 2011
S
I want to write about the guy i thought i was in love with, because he has influenced me so massively the last two years and has a big hold over me. I know i'll mention him a lot in future posts so here is another introduction, to him.
When i met this guy it was like something out of a film. Love at first sight i thought. It was at my birthday meal. I was struggling because to socialise food seems to be required and it was my birthday so all eyes were on me so i had to eat. One of the friends id invited showed up with some other people, on my course at uni, one of whom id never even seen around before in the whole 2 months we had been at uni. I dont think ill ever forget how i felt when i saw him. He was so beautiful, i know it sounds cliche but i was just blown away and couldnt stop staring at him. He was so different to any guy id ever met or fancied before. He is asian, before uni i'd only ever seen caucasians, let alone fancied a non caucasian.
I sat with him for the rest of the night, and when someone took a picture of us it seemed so natural to hug him even though we had only just met. That photo- i look genuinely happy.
Things moved pretty fast. A week or so later he came over to mine and we were pretty much seeing each other from then onwads although we decided to not be official till January as we had a month off for xmas and wouldnt see each other.
He was amazing but that term was the worst ever. My friends and family say theyve never seen me so depressed. I barely left my room at uni, skipped most lectures, slept loads, and failed my first ever exam. I felt like he was the only thing that kept me afloat, yet everyone else says he was what was dragging me down.
I didnt leave my room because i felt too fat and ugly, and i thought he made me happy because he told me i was beautiful. But actually he did the opposite. It sounds so silly to whinge about these things but it had a profound effect on me....he would say little things like...oh why dont you do your hair like this today or do your makeup like so and so...so id put on more makeup then next day he would say ew youre wearing too much makeup you look better more natural...but then next day he would complain i made no effort for him because i hadnt 'bothered' to put on makeup. he would call me curvy etc and then when i eventually got him to tell me his honest opinion he admitted he thought i was fat. to this very day he claims i forced him to say it,but all i did was force him to be honest, i didnt put the words ''you are fat'' into his mouth, i just told him to be honest, and thats what he said.
he would say stuff like he wished i would dress sexier so he could be proud of me at uni,and on nights out he would comment that he wished i could dance like one of my friends who is a drama student and an amazing dancer. these things seem so petty but over several months,considering i was already insecure,these things destroyed me so much that i locked myself in my room and if i had to go into uni id go either rly early or rly late in the hope i wouldnt see anyone i knew.
i was completely and utterly in love with him. he was the first and only person ive ever confided in about everyyyyy single aspect of my past. and he is so understanding. i sometimes have freakouts, and whilst at first they scared him,he stuck by me and very rarely makes me feel like the freak i am. i dont know what id do without him. i went through a stage of having nightmares and flashbacks most nights,and he was always there to comfort me. he is such a caring incredible person. he is the only male ive ever trusted with everything. i truly did love him and it scared me to think that i wont be able to marry him (he is muslim, long story) and that i will therefore never be truly happy because noone else will be as amazing as him and i will never trust anyone like i can trust him.
it is because i loved him so much that i treated him so badly. ive discussed this with the counsellor lady and she said its classic. when youve had a traumatic past you push people away if they get too close. i know i do this because ive done it with previous boyfriends, but i always thought thats because i didnt care about them and i didnt want to have to have sex with them. yet he is different. i want to be with him forever, so why do i treat him so badly? i said the most horrific things to him, made up lies about how i didnt care, how i didnt love him,even made up lies that id got with other people,just to make him hate me. yet he didnt hate me,and that made it worse. i dont feel i deserve to be loved by anyone let alone someone as amazing as him. i pushed him and pushed him and eventually i broke up with him.
my friends and family were relieved. over the easter holidays after the break up they saw me come out of my shell and my confidence grow again, but i was so unhappy. i found myself getting with 2 guys that disgusted me. i knew theyd fancied me for ages, and i found them repulsive, yet i let them kiss me. im weird with guys. when i dont like them im either really rude and violent (slapping etc) or i completely freak and go weird and just let them do whatever they want and i just pretend im not there and its not happening. this is how ive been with men all my life. i just wish i had the strength to stand up for myself this time.
because i got with these 2 guys he thinks i cheated on him,obviously we werent together so i didnt,but i did betray his love and his heart and i will never forgive myself.
i had a new boyfriend very briefly in the summer, but it was when i was just starting to get treatment and i decided i might as well be honest from the start so i told him about my ed. he made me realise how even more amazing than i already thought this other guy was was. he was so unsupportive, didnt understand at all,tried to force me into eating etc,refused to pay for meals if i vomited,refused to do things if he knew i hadnt eaten,yelled at me in public in restaurents etc about it making awkward situations for me. so he was a twat about my ed but that aside he was just wrong for me in general. i only dated him because all he did was compliment me 24/7 and it was amazing to feel attractive after months of feeling id never be good enough for the guy i loved,that i was always wearing the wrong clothes/makeup/hair and was the wrong skin colour and religion. the entire few weeks i was with this other guy i spent most the time wishing it was the guy i loved. my phone would buzz and i was disappointed when it was the wrong guy. i couldnt be bothered to go see him just a hour away,would rather have driven 4 hours to see the guy i loved.
it ended after a few weeks but i wish id never gone there in first place. now the guy i love will never believe how much i love him.
in western culture its quite normal for people to have several boyfriends and so on, but in his it isnt. i was his first girlfriend and he cant undertsand how if i loved him i could have dated someone else. i do see his point of view, if i were a normal person, but im not. i completely disassociate myself from situations. i didnt feel like i was dating the other guy, i felt like i was still with the guy i loved, yet i was apparently this other guys girlfriend and i still have no idea when that became the case.
there are whole sections of my life that my brains wipes out. i know its a coping mechanism,but my brain does it wrong! it hasnt wiped out my traumatic childhood, yet it wipes out arguments ive had, things ive done wrong etc,and its awful because then i cant explain why i did them because i dont remember doing them!
how can i explain to the love of my life i have no idea what happened the few weeks i was dating the other guy because i 'dont remember'?! it just isnt believable! yet all i remember is feeling more attractive because he complimented me, being angry with him for not being the guy i loved, and eventually ending it when i sort of 'clicked' back into my life and realised what was going on.
that happens quite often. people say im aloof. i sort of breeze through life without realising whats going on for weeks at a time quite often, then suddenly its like im back on earth and when people ask what ive been doing ill honestly not be able to remember anything from the previous week or so.
im so weird!
anyway...to the now...
things are still on and off with this guy that im in love with, but we will never be together officially because of what happened last term.
i basically couldnt cope with not being his official girlfriend yet basically being his girlfriend,i hated feeling used etc, so again i made up lies to him in the hope it would force him into being over me and moving on. i told him i fell out of love with him a while ago and i didnt care about him anymore etc.
he at first seemed happy and relieved and was like oh good now i dont feel bad about hurting your feelings because ive actually been over you for ages too.
this obviously upset me but i was happy for him and glad my lies had worked.
but then he got angry and went mental at me.
here's a list of the stuff he said which are the reasons my ed has got so bad and why i can never ever be with the guy of my dreams:
i never loved you i was just using you for sex
its hilarious you get help for an ed when you're so fat
i had to go strip club to be able to have sex with you because you're so fat and ugly
i cant believe you actually thought a guy like me would love someone as ugly as you
fat fat fat ugly ugly ugly
etc
basically he tore into all my insecurities and everything id every confided in him about my eating disorder. he betrayed my trust. he has since said he said it all in anger and never meant it.
but now i can never believe a compliment he says, when he says im looking skinny i think back to when he said i was fat, when he says im beautiful i remember how he said it was funny when i believed that he fancied me. im too embarrassed to confide in him about my ed now,yet he was the only person i talked to about it properly.
things between us will never be the same. i hate leaving my house anyway because i feel so fat and ugly, but whereas i used to dread going into uni because people in general would see my big fat ugly self, now when i walk through the medical school im dreading bumping into him and the thoughts that must go through his mind of how disgusting it is that he kissed me and told me he loved me how could he stoop that low?
i loved him so much but i know he is bad for me. it is so confusing. i want to be thin for him so that i feel worthy of him,but at same time i know ill never be with him because i can never trust him again and will never feel comfortable with my appearance in front of him. i feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie, yet im aware how wearisome this must be for him.
he knows me better than anybody. he has made me realise i only ever believe bad things about myself.
he can say to be you're not fat you're just curvy if you toned up you'd be perfect, and i will see that as him calling me fat and flabby but trying to be polite about it.
when he tries to compliment me by saying i look slim or thin ill latch on to the fact he hasnt used the word skinny and immediately think he thinks im fat.
when he says i look pretty i think he is being saracastic. if he compliments my clothes i panic he is implying i should change into something nicer.
one day i would like to believe in myself. then maybe i will believe that others are capable of believing in me too.
But for now i only know one thing, i loved him with all my heart.
When i met this guy it was like something out of a film. Love at first sight i thought. It was at my birthday meal. I was struggling because to socialise food seems to be required and it was my birthday so all eyes were on me so i had to eat. One of the friends id invited showed up with some other people, on my course at uni, one of whom id never even seen around before in the whole 2 months we had been at uni. I dont think ill ever forget how i felt when i saw him. He was so beautiful, i know it sounds cliche but i was just blown away and couldnt stop staring at him. He was so different to any guy id ever met or fancied before. He is asian, before uni i'd only ever seen caucasians, let alone fancied a non caucasian.
I sat with him for the rest of the night, and when someone took a picture of us it seemed so natural to hug him even though we had only just met. That photo- i look genuinely happy.
Things moved pretty fast. A week or so later he came over to mine and we were pretty much seeing each other from then onwads although we decided to not be official till January as we had a month off for xmas and wouldnt see each other.
He was amazing but that term was the worst ever. My friends and family say theyve never seen me so depressed. I barely left my room at uni, skipped most lectures, slept loads, and failed my first ever exam. I felt like he was the only thing that kept me afloat, yet everyone else says he was what was dragging me down.
I didnt leave my room because i felt too fat and ugly, and i thought he made me happy because he told me i was beautiful. But actually he did the opposite. It sounds so silly to whinge about these things but it had a profound effect on me....he would say little things like...oh why dont you do your hair like this today or do your makeup like so and so...so id put on more makeup then next day he would say ew youre wearing too much makeup you look better more natural...but then next day he would complain i made no effort for him because i hadnt 'bothered' to put on makeup. he would call me curvy etc and then when i eventually got him to tell me his honest opinion he admitted he thought i was fat. to this very day he claims i forced him to say it,but all i did was force him to be honest, i didnt put the words ''you are fat'' into his mouth, i just told him to be honest, and thats what he said.
he would say stuff like he wished i would dress sexier so he could be proud of me at uni,and on nights out he would comment that he wished i could dance like one of my friends who is a drama student and an amazing dancer. these things seem so petty but over several months,considering i was already insecure,these things destroyed me so much that i locked myself in my room and if i had to go into uni id go either rly early or rly late in the hope i wouldnt see anyone i knew.
i was completely and utterly in love with him. he was the first and only person ive ever confided in about everyyyyy single aspect of my past. and he is so understanding. i sometimes have freakouts, and whilst at first they scared him,he stuck by me and very rarely makes me feel like the freak i am. i dont know what id do without him. i went through a stage of having nightmares and flashbacks most nights,and he was always there to comfort me. he is such a caring incredible person. he is the only male ive ever trusted with everything. i truly did love him and it scared me to think that i wont be able to marry him (he is muslim, long story) and that i will therefore never be truly happy because noone else will be as amazing as him and i will never trust anyone like i can trust him.
it is because i loved him so much that i treated him so badly. ive discussed this with the counsellor lady and she said its classic. when youve had a traumatic past you push people away if they get too close. i know i do this because ive done it with previous boyfriends, but i always thought thats because i didnt care about them and i didnt want to have to have sex with them. yet he is different. i want to be with him forever, so why do i treat him so badly? i said the most horrific things to him, made up lies about how i didnt care, how i didnt love him,even made up lies that id got with other people,just to make him hate me. yet he didnt hate me,and that made it worse. i dont feel i deserve to be loved by anyone let alone someone as amazing as him. i pushed him and pushed him and eventually i broke up with him.
my friends and family were relieved. over the easter holidays after the break up they saw me come out of my shell and my confidence grow again, but i was so unhappy. i found myself getting with 2 guys that disgusted me. i knew theyd fancied me for ages, and i found them repulsive, yet i let them kiss me. im weird with guys. when i dont like them im either really rude and violent (slapping etc) or i completely freak and go weird and just let them do whatever they want and i just pretend im not there and its not happening. this is how ive been with men all my life. i just wish i had the strength to stand up for myself this time.
because i got with these 2 guys he thinks i cheated on him,obviously we werent together so i didnt,but i did betray his love and his heart and i will never forgive myself.
i had a new boyfriend very briefly in the summer, but it was when i was just starting to get treatment and i decided i might as well be honest from the start so i told him about my ed. he made me realise how even more amazing than i already thought this other guy was was. he was so unsupportive, didnt understand at all,tried to force me into eating etc,refused to pay for meals if i vomited,refused to do things if he knew i hadnt eaten,yelled at me in public in restaurents etc about it making awkward situations for me. so he was a twat about my ed but that aside he was just wrong for me in general. i only dated him because all he did was compliment me 24/7 and it was amazing to feel attractive after months of feeling id never be good enough for the guy i loved,that i was always wearing the wrong clothes/makeup/hair and was the wrong skin colour and religion. the entire few weeks i was with this other guy i spent most the time wishing it was the guy i loved. my phone would buzz and i was disappointed when it was the wrong guy. i couldnt be bothered to go see him just a hour away,would rather have driven 4 hours to see the guy i loved.
it ended after a few weeks but i wish id never gone there in first place. now the guy i love will never believe how much i love him.
in western culture its quite normal for people to have several boyfriends and so on, but in his it isnt. i was his first girlfriend and he cant undertsand how if i loved him i could have dated someone else. i do see his point of view, if i were a normal person, but im not. i completely disassociate myself from situations. i didnt feel like i was dating the other guy, i felt like i was still with the guy i loved, yet i was apparently this other guys girlfriend and i still have no idea when that became the case.
there are whole sections of my life that my brains wipes out. i know its a coping mechanism,but my brain does it wrong! it hasnt wiped out my traumatic childhood, yet it wipes out arguments ive had, things ive done wrong etc,and its awful because then i cant explain why i did them because i dont remember doing them!
how can i explain to the love of my life i have no idea what happened the few weeks i was dating the other guy because i 'dont remember'?! it just isnt believable! yet all i remember is feeling more attractive because he complimented me, being angry with him for not being the guy i loved, and eventually ending it when i sort of 'clicked' back into my life and realised what was going on.
that happens quite often. people say im aloof. i sort of breeze through life without realising whats going on for weeks at a time quite often, then suddenly its like im back on earth and when people ask what ive been doing ill honestly not be able to remember anything from the previous week or so.
im so weird!
anyway...to the now...
things are still on and off with this guy that im in love with, but we will never be together officially because of what happened last term.
i basically couldnt cope with not being his official girlfriend yet basically being his girlfriend,i hated feeling used etc, so again i made up lies to him in the hope it would force him into being over me and moving on. i told him i fell out of love with him a while ago and i didnt care about him anymore etc.
he at first seemed happy and relieved and was like oh good now i dont feel bad about hurting your feelings because ive actually been over you for ages too.
this obviously upset me but i was happy for him and glad my lies had worked.
but then he got angry and went mental at me.
here's a list of the stuff he said which are the reasons my ed has got so bad and why i can never ever be with the guy of my dreams:
i never loved you i was just using you for sex
its hilarious you get help for an ed when you're so fat
i had to go strip club to be able to have sex with you because you're so fat and ugly
i cant believe you actually thought a guy like me would love someone as ugly as you
fat fat fat ugly ugly ugly
etc
basically he tore into all my insecurities and everything id every confided in him about my eating disorder. he betrayed my trust. he has since said he said it all in anger and never meant it.
but now i can never believe a compliment he says, when he says im looking skinny i think back to when he said i was fat, when he says im beautiful i remember how he said it was funny when i believed that he fancied me. im too embarrassed to confide in him about my ed now,yet he was the only person i talked to about it properly.
things between us will never be the same. i hate leaving my house anyway because i feel so fat and ugly, but whereas i used to dread going into uni because people in general would see my big fat ugly self, now when i walk through the medical school im dreading bumping into him and the thoughts that must go through his mind of how disgusting it is that he kissed me and told me he loved me how could he stoop that low?
i loved him so much but i know he is bad for me. it is so confusing. i want to be thin for him so that i feel worthy of him,but at same time i know ill never be with him because i can never trust him again and will never feel comfortable with my appearance in front of him. i feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie, yet im aware how wearisome this must be for him.
he knows me better than anybody. he has made me realise i only ever believe bad things about myself.
he can say to be you're not fat you're just curvy if you toned up you'd be perfect, and i will see that as him calling me fat and flabby but trying to be polite about it.
when he tries to compliment me by saying i look slim or thin ill latch on to the fact he hasnt used the word skinny and immediately think he thinks im fat.
when he says i look pretty i think he is being saracastic. if he compliments my clothes i panic he is implying i should change into something nicer.
one day i would like to believe in myself. then maybe i will believe that others are capable of believing in me too.
But for now i only know one thing, i loved him with all my heart.
Explanations for how crazy I am...
So... i have lots of theories for why i'm such a mess.
Right now my life is seemingly perfect. I have achieved my dream of getting into medical school... I made it to second year and I am getting higher than average grades in all my exams. This week i start my placements so i'll be on wards doing actual doctorly stuff rather than just sitting in a lecture theatre learning about cells.
I have the worlds BEST mum. i know lots of people would say that about their mum,but honestly mine is THE best, EVER. she is the most supportive woman i know, she has been through a lot herself, a lot of which is MY FAULT, yet she is always there for me and seems to love me unconditionally.
There are 2 reasons i want to be free of this ED: to succeed in my dream of being a doctor, and for my mum.
Anyway, point being my life right now is amazing, so why am i such a mess?
Well, my past is a complete and utter...well basically, the friend who knows me best (the one i spoke of in background to me post, who ive been best friends with since 3) says ive gone through so much that a film should be made of my life. i remember her saying that when i was 10. even more has happened since then.
here is a brief summary:
I am adopted. Not your standard abandoned in a basket on church steps adoption, but the full bang of social services strolling in and whipping me away from my far below par birth mother. I went through a lot as a baby. Someone asks me what my earliest memory is? It is something i will never say outloud to anyone. And the memory i pretend is my first is still shocking for people who arent blase about it like me.
My birthmother had violent boyfriends. I saw a lot of stuff as a consequence, and suffered it.
My birthfather was in prison for drugs.
I was in and out of care, bandied between foster homes (theyre not the safe places they get portrayed to be either).
I was adopted when i was 3, having already seen more shit than most people see in their lives.
It was a contested adoption ie not my birthparents choice. So what happens? I get kidnapped from the courthouse where the adoption is going through. By my birthmothers violent boyfriend. Great.
Then lifes cosy for a bit. Except i forgot to mention i had a brother. A psycho one. He was older than me and didnt adjust to being adopted. He was angry, that anger got taken out on me.
He did lots of things. I will never tell anyone exactly what.
Long story short social services took him away and put him in a school for psychos. I had a couple of ok years trying to get over all the shit that had happened.
Then when he reached 18 he 'unadopted' himself, and thats when it got bad again.
He told my birthfamily where i lived, where i went to school, who my friends were. My friends got harrassed, they were spotted in nearby towns. I became afraid to leave my house, afraid to go anywhere alone. I had to move house, move school,change phone numbers.
Ive cut the story very short, leaving out the stuff that actually happened, but that is a brief overview and im sure you can fill in the gaps yourselves.
When the referal to chmt in summer took so long, my mum organised for me to see a counsellor who specialised in adoption and eating disorders. This woman was sweet enough, for a counsellor, but the second time i went she guessed exactly why i am the way i am. So i will never go back to see her.
It is weird... she did all the usual guesses: is it for control? does it make you feel safe? do you want to never grow up? do you hate the attention of men and want to make yourself as afeminine as possible?
we explored all those avenues, and she latched on to my relationships with men.
how im closer to my mum than my dad.
how ive had boyfriends but ive treated them badly,often on purpose,because i push men away when they get too close and i begin to feel threatened or whatever.
how i view the relationships my friends have with men/dads/brothers/boyfriends etc.
how i responded differently to female/male teachers.
etc. a lot of it was complete bull but she obviously thought she was onto something.
then in our second meeting she just came out with this 'thing'. this theory, about what had happened to me in my past, and that she had guessed it and she wasnt surprised i am the way i am now,that now she has guessed itll be easy to talk about it.
i denied it and got indignant/angry through my tears and told her under no circumstances could she ever suggest such a thing again, and that i wouldnt be coming back.
its weird because all my life ive wanted to get help about it,wondered how to tell someone,whether if talking about it would help,but the way she just came out with it,just guessed it,as if my past experiences are written on my forehead,having only been chatting to me for 1 hour about things so unrelated...now i know i will never be able to get over it with anyone elses help, and so it is back to my ED. it is my way of coping. i know that. i dont need anyone else to tell me so.
yet on a day to day basis i dont think about the thing that caused my ED originally. if i dont fast i feel like i cant cope, but not that i cant cope with my past, that i cant cope with whatever small thing happens that day. so its like the ED started as a coping mechanism to block out my past, and its worked, but now it impacts everything, because without it, i have nothing. if i eat, my world falls apart.
xxx
Right now my life is seemingly perfect. I have achieved my dream of getting into medical school... I made it to second year and I am getting higher than average grades in all my exams. This week i start my placements so i'll be on wards doing actual doctorly stuff rather than just sitting in a lecture theatre learning about cells.
I have the worlds BEST mum. i know lots of people would say that about their mum,but honestly mine is THE best, EVER. she is the most supportive woman i know, she has been through a lot herself, a lot of which is MY FAULT, yet she is always there for me and seems to love me unconditionally.
There are 2 reasons i want to be free of this ED: to succeed in my dream of being a doctor, and for my mum.
Anyway, point being my life right now is amazing, so why am i such a mess?
Well, my past is a complete and utter...well basically, the friend who knows me best (the one i spoke of in background to me post, who ive been best friends with since 3) says ive gone through so much that a film should be made of my life. i remember her saying that when i was 10. even more has happened since then.
here is a brief summary:
I am adopted. Not your standard abandoned in a basket on church steps adoption, but the full bang of social services strolling in and whipping me away from my far below par birth mother. I went through a lot as a baby. Someone asks me what my earliest memory is? It is something i will never say outloud to anyone. And the memory i pretend is my first is still shocking for people who arent blase about it like me.
My birthmother had violent boyfriends. I saw a lot of stuff as a consequence, and suffered it.
My birthfather was in prison for drugs.
I was in and out of care, bandied between foster homes (theyre not the safe places they get portrayed to be either).
I was adopted when i was 3, having already seen more shit than most people see in their lives.
It was a contested adoption ie not my birthparents choice. So what happens? I get kidnapped from the courthouse where the adoption is going through. By my birthmothers violent boyfriend. Great.
Then lifes cosy for a bit. Except i forgot to mention i had a brother. A psycho one. He was older than me and didnt adjust to being adopted. He was angry, that anger got taken out on me.
He did lots of things. I will never tell anyone exactly what.
Long story short social services took him away and put him in a school for psychos. I had a couple of ok years trying to get over all the shit that had happened.
Then when he reached 18 he 'unadopted' himself, and thats when it got bad again.
He told my birthfamily where i lived, where i went to school, who my friends were. My friends got harrassed, they were spotted in nearby towns. I became afraid to leave my house, afraid to go anywhere alone. I had to move house, move school,change phone numbers.
Ive cut the story very short, leaving out the stuff that actually happened, but that is a brief overview and im sure you can fill in the gaps yourselves.
When the referal to chmt in summer took so long, my mum organised for me to see a counsellor who specialised in adoption and eating disorders. This woman was sweet enough, for a counsellor, but the second time i went she guessed exactly why i am the way i am. So i will never go back to see her.
It is weird... she did all the usual guesses: is it for control? does it make you feel safe? do you want to never grow up? do you hate the attention of men and want to make yourself as afeminine as possible?
we explored all those avenues, and she latched on to my relationships with men.
how im closer to my mum than my dad.
how ive had boyfriends but ive treated them badly,often on purpose,because i push men away when they get too close and i begin to feel threatened or whatever.
how i view the relationships my friends have with men/dads/brothers/boyfriends etc.
how i responded differently to female/male teachers.
etc. a lot of it was complete bull but she obviously thought she was onto something.
then in our second meeting she just came out with this 'thing'. this theory, about what had happened to me in my past, and that she had guessed it and she wasnt surprised i am the way i am now,that now she has guessed itll be easy to talk about it.
i denied it and got indignant/angry through my tears and told her under no circumstances could she ever suggest such a thing again, and that i wouldnt be coming back.
its weird because all my life ive wanted to get help about it,wondered how to tell someone,whether if talking about it would help,but the way she just came out with it,just guessed it,as if my past experiences are written on my forehead,having only been chatting to me for 1 hour about things so unrelated...now i know i will never be able to get over it with anyone elses help, and so it is back to my ED. it is my way of coping. i know that. i dont need anyone else to tell me so.
yet on a day to day basis i dont think about the thing that caused my ED originally. if i dont fast i feel like i cant cope, but not that i cant cope with my past, that i cant cope with whatever small thing happens that day. so its like the ED started as a coping mechanism to block out my past, and its worked, but now it impacts everything, because without it, i have nothing. if i eat, my world falls apart.
Background to my life
So this post is going to be very long and probably boring but for those of you that want to get to know me and where my thoughts are coming from right now, you may as well read it because in future posts i'll be talking about people/things that will probably make zero sense if you dont know the background of it!
I made this blog so i could get ed-centred rants out, but at the moment it feels like my entire life centres around having an eating disorder, but anyway...
I first stopped eating when i was 11 after the girl id been best friends with since i was 3 told me i had hippopotamous thighs...looking back this was a pretty funny insult to cause such a lifechanging effect, but it did, and theres nothing i can do about it now. I wasnt fat, i was tall and lanky, being the first in my year at an all girls school to suddenly hit puberty. But i felt fat. Looking back i think maybe in my 11 year old brain i was interpreting 'bigger than my friends height/boobs wise' as 'ah ive suddenly gotten fat'.
I started getting up earlier than usual so i could 'have breakfast'. This consisted of making cereal pouring noises, fridge opening noises, scraping a spoon round my obviously empty bowl and pouring orange juice down the sink.
At school i joined the cross country running club which was at lunchtimes, and when that stopped happening (small school,not enough people interested) i started running around the school field, or playing tennis, then saying id eaten earlier or whatever. When i did have to go to lunch id get whatever my friends got but then only eat the cucumber slices.
Obviously people started to notice, but not eating was sort of a popular thing to do at school, which looking back is so sad to think that we were 11 and so image concious. So my friends werent an issue, the teachers were. I was sent for counselling and put on lunch report card and my mum was informed.
I got sent to an adolescent unit and they decided i was 'eating disorder but without anorexic pathology' and as i refused any help they let me go.
This restricting went on till i was 16, GCSEs. I had to move house out of the house id lived in all of my life, due to the reasons that are probably the entire reason for my ed in first place (i dont think my friend calling me hippo thighs is what actually caused it,it probably has deeper links to my traumatic childhood).
This was a hard time for me, id been made for my own safety to move away from my home, i was in middle of gcse's which were massively important for me as i was trying to get into med school, and then, my mum's dad has a heart attack the night before my first gcse. He was intensive care for ages and then died. Then there was the funeral.
This was all awful for the obvious reasons- i loved him, i was upset, grieving and so on. But what really affected me during that time was my mum. She had always been there for me. My dad worked away from home and i barely saw him and when i did at that time we always argued.
Suddenly mum was always at the hospital and when she was home she was (understandably) distraught. But i was the selfish 16 year old who felt she had the most important exams of her life and had just been abandoned by her mum and had a dad who didnt understand her who was suddenly back in her life the week of her gcse's. on top of all this i was of course feeling massively guilty for being so selfish when my mum was obviously even more upset than i was about our bereavement.
so basically there was lots going on that year. the restricting turned to bingeing. i still didnt eat at school but would come home and eat choc muffins, pancakes,supper,pudding,ice cream infront of tv after supper,crisps when doing homework,sweets a bit later....etc etc...going from restricting for 5 years to that....well i ballloooooned!
then i moved school for 6th form. having just done awfully in my gcse's (not actually, but im a perfectionist, and didnt get 10 A*s... gcse results day was at the time i felt one of the worst days of my life). i moved to a very academic school. i went from being top of class without any effort to bottom of class and having been at an all girls school all my life i was suddenly doing science a levels and was the only girl.
i was a weekly boarder and started restricting again.it was hard going from top of the school in everything to being the dunce, who got laughed at for wanting to be a doctor. it was during 6th form that the purging started. my 2 years at that school i only went into the meal hall 2x. my first day there, and my last day there. we had little kitchens in our boarding house which id make cups of hot choc in, and i ate lots of apples and if i was going to purge then cereal. everyone knew i had weird food habits...sometimes id eat a whole box a day,,,and i went through phases, sometimes obsessed with cheerios, then shreddies, then cheerios again.
i remember a trip to a chemistry lecture in london once we all went for lunch. i bought some chips from mcdonalds and was so excited about treating myself. then a guy in my class leant over and grabbed one. it was so embarrassing as i had to try so hard not to burst into tears. id been working myself up to this treat, then he ruined it for me by touching my food.
i have lots of rules, my close friends know about them and both respect them and laugh at me for them!
i struggle to go for supper at friends' because ill only eat food prepared by my mum. sometimes ill eat food my friends or their parents have cooked if i can watch it being prepared, see that theyve been hygienic, seen the wrappers and so know the quality of the food etc.
i cant eat food that anyone else has touched, so pick n mix/popcorn etc on cinema nights is tricky, as are sharing bag of crisps or something. again,most people know this, so i automatically get my own bowl or box,but i know when i first started uni people thought it was weird, now i guess its just one of those quirks that some people have!
so yes, i spent 2 years of 6th form being bulimic i guess you could call it, but it wasnt a big deal. the school i was at it was like in the culture to have an eating disorder. every morning at there would be announcements about toilets blocked with vomit, can the older girls be there for the younger girls because loads of them arent eating etc...all the time i knew myself and others in my year were also eating disordered. but everyone just got on with it.
i had a gap year. and this is where things got really bad. i had to have major surgery. up until then id been really active always been training for one event or another. i used to over exercise so much that id then be on crutches for weeks after a gym session,but id crutch my way to the gym, take loads of painkillers,do a gym session, then crutch home again.
this surgery i had destroyed me. the rehab for it was longer than expected. the surgery was almost 2 years ago now and last week was the first time i was able to run properly without a limp for more than 2minutes. im still recovering due to muscle wasting but im doing lots of physio so my hope was to be able to get back to full fitness and start training properly again...then at xmas hols at my check up i found out ive got to have more surgery this easter...
the reason im telling you this is because i feel this lack of exercise is what has catapulted the slightly weird eating patterns ive had for 10 years from a bit weird to insane. without exercise im lost. i used to exercise when stressed,sad,worried,anxious, and then id feel better. for 2 years i havent been able to do that so ive been feeling more stressed, and then of course i feel fat because im not exercising. so its like, why eat if im not exercising? fasting gives me the same feeling exercising used to. now when i go to the gym i just get frustrated because my leg doesnt work. but fasting is something im good at.
im now in my second year of medical school. this term one year ago things got bad. i was making myself vomit several times a day, even if i hadnt eaten, and i was chewing gum like crazy for its laxative effect. i was falling behind with my studies and finding it hard to get out of bed because i was always feeling so weak. so i went to the gp, broke down as for first time in ten years i admitted i had a problem.
that was a year ago and the 'treatment' i asked for has yet to happen...
the original gp said i was too complicated for him, but that there was a specialist gp there...shes really nice and shes the one i see most who has been trying to help me...
she referred me to cmht...i didnt get appointment till summer holidays (by which point mum had found out and was being really supportive)... at the appointment in summer they assessed me...then a few months later i got letter saying sorry you dont meet the criterion for referally to the areas ED centre for proper treatment,but hey why dont you go to the selfhelp bulimia group (this was stupid as my tendencies were ana not mia).
i was upset by the system...they basically told me im too fat for treatment,come back when your bmi is 16...the system is so backwards?!!
then last term things got worse,i stopped eating and drinking altogether and ended up in hospital with dehydration. i was fainting up to 4x a day and my blood pressure was 80/50 permanently.
the specialist gp did me a personal referral to the ED centre (so this time bypassing the cmht id previously been assessed by) and this time they agreed to treat me...because my bmi was below 19 by this point.
i got given an appointment ... for this tuesday...
so when i came back after xmas i was determined to go to this appointment, i was fasting even more than usual because i wanted my bmi to be 17.5 by the appointment to make sure i got treated. then thing went bizarrely weird. at some point in the last 2 weeks, i dont know when were or why, i changed my mind.
i now dont want treatment. i dont need it. if i went to the appointment id be the laughing stock because im so fat theres no way i can have an eating disorder. so ive gone the opposite way and have been binge eating for the first time in years, without vomiting very much, to GAIN. yes i am TRYING TO GAIN...because i am scared of getting treatment. now this is hilarious as im so fat anyway they wldnt have treated me, yet im so scared of them telling me i need help im making myself even fatter on purpose!
so of course because ive been eating im low low low lowwwwwwwwwww barely getting out of bed etc...then i realised...im SUCH AN IDIOT...all i have to do is NOT GO TO THE APPOINTMENT!!! duhhhhh. so ive been stuffing my face making myself depressed by eating, when all i had to do is not go!!! so thats it, im back on my fast, and im not going to the appointment. i dont want help because i dont neeeeed help. im the most obese person ive ever met so why would i go to an ed centre?!!!
i feel so silly for going for help a year ago. but it worries me that people that actually need help would get treated like i have by the system. if youre not anorexic with a really low bmi you just get thrown from place to place, referred on here and there, but never actually helped.
but here is to new beginnings... monday morning i am calling to say thank you but i dont need the appointment.
then i will start afresh, my way.
there is so much i wanted to say in this post about my current life, but i think its too long already so ill submit this one and write another about the specific things i have to say!
xxx
I made this blog so i could get ed-centred rants out, but at the moment it feels like my entire life centres around having an eating disorder, but anyway...
I first stopped eating when i was 11 after the girl id been best friends with since i was 3 told me i had hippopotamous thighs...looking back this was a pretty funny insult to cause such a lifechanging effect, but it did, and theres nothing i can do about it now. I wasnt fat, i was tall and lanky, being the first in my year at an all girls school to suddenly hit puberty. But i felt fat. Looking back i think maybe in my 11 year old brain i was interpreting 'bigger than my friends height/boobs wise' as 'ah ive suddenly gotten fat'.
I started getting up earlier than usual so i could 'have breakfast'. This consisted of making cereal pouring noises, fridge opening noises, scraping a spoon round my obviously empty bowl and pouring orange juice down the sink.
At school i joined the cross country running club which was at lunchtimes, and when that stopped happening (small school,not enough people interested) i started running around the school field, or playing tennis, then saying id eaten earlier or whatever. When i did have to go to lunch id get whatever my friends got but then only eat the cucumber slices.
Obviously people started to notice, but not eating was sort of a popular thing to do at school, which looking back is so sad to think that we were 11 and so image concious. So my friends werent an issue, the teachers were. I was sent for counselling and put on lunch report card and my mum was informed.
I got sent to an adolescent unit and they decided i was 'eating disorder but without anorexic pathology' and as i refused any help they let me go.
This restricting went on till i was 16, GCSEs. I had to move house out of the house id lived in all of my life, due to the reasons that are probably the entire reason for my ed in first place (i dont think my friend calling me hippo thighs is what actually caused it,it probably has deeper links to my traumatic childhood).
This was a hard time for me, id been made for my own safety to move away from my home, i was in middle of gcse's which were massively important for me as i was trying to get into med school, and then, my mum's dad has a heart attack the night before my first gcse. He was intensive care for ages and then died. Then there was the funeral.
This was all awful for the obvious reasons- i loved him, i was upset, grieving and so on. But what really affected me during that time was my mum. She had always been there for me. My dad worked away from home and i barely saw him and when i did at that time we always argued.
Suddenly mum was always at the hospital and when she was home she was (understandably) distraught. But i was the selfish 16 year old who felt she had the most important exams of her life and had just been abandoned by her mum and had a dad who didnt understand her who was suddenly back in her life the week of her gcse's. on top of all this i was of course feeling massively guilty for being so selfish when my mum was obviously even more upset than i was about our bereavement.
so basically there was lots going on that year. the restricting turned to bingeing. i still didnt eat at school but would come home and eat choc muffins, pancakes,supper,pudding,ice cream infront of tv after supper,crisps when doing homework,sweets a bit later....etc etc...going from restricting for 5 years to that....well i ballloooooned!
then i moved school for 6th form. having just done awfully in my gcse's (not actually, but im a perfectionist, and didnt get 10 A*s... gcse results day was at the time i felt one of the worst days of my life). i moved to a very academic school. i went from being top of class without any effort to bottom of class and having been at an all girls school all my life i was suddenly doing science a levels and was the only girl.
i was a weekly boarder and started restricting again.it was hard going from top of the school in everything to being the dunce, who got laughed at for wanting to be a doctor. it was during 6th form that the purging started. my 2 years at that school i only went into the meal hall 2x. my first day there, and my last day there. we had little kitchens in our boarding house which id make cups of hot choc in, and i ate lots of apples and if i was going to purge then cereal. everyone knew i had weird food habits...sometimes id eat a whole box a day,,,and i went through phases, sometimes obsessed with cheerios, then shreddies, then cheerios again.
i remember a trip to a chemistry lecture in london once we all went for lunch. i bought some chips from mcdonalds and was so excited about treating myself. then a guy in my class leant over and grabbed one. it was so embarrassing as i had to try so hard not to burst into tears. id been working myself up to this treat, then he ruined it for me by touching my food.
i have lots of rules, my close friends know about them and both respect them and laugh at me for them!
i struggle to go for supper at friends' because ill only eat food prepared by my mum. sometimes ill eat food my friends or their parents have cooked if i can watch it being prepared, see that theyve been hygienic, seen the wrappers and so know the quality of the food etc.
i cant eat food that anyone else has touched, so pick n mix/popcorn etc on cinema nights is tricky, as are sharing bag of crisps or something. again,most people know this, so i automatically get my own bowl or box,but i know when i first started uni people thought it was weird, now i guess its just one of those quirks that some people have!
so yes, i spent 2 years of 6th form being bulimic i guess you could call it, but it wasnt a big deal. the school i was at it was like in the culture to have an eating disorder. every morning at there would be announcements about toilets blocked with vomit, can the older girls be there for the younger girls because loads of them arent eating etc...all the time i knew myself and others in my year were also eating disordered. but everyone just got on with it.
i had a gap year. and this is where things got really bad. i had to have major surgery. up until then id been really active always been training for one event or another. i used to over exercise so much that id then be on crutches for weeks after a gym session,but id crutch my way to the gym, take loads of painkillers,do a gym session, then crutch home again.
this surgery i had destroyed me. the rehab for it was longer than expected. the surgery was almost 2 years ago now and last week was the first time i was able to run properly without a limp for more than 2minutes. im still recovering due to muscle wasting but im doing lots of physio so my hope was to be able to get back to full fitness and start training properly again...then at xmas hols at my check up i found out ive got to have more surgery this easter...
the reason im telling you this is because i feel this lack of exercise is what has catapulted the slightly weird eating patterns ive had for 10 years from a bit weird to insane. without exercise im lost. i used to exercise when stressed,sad,worried,anxious, and then id feel better. for 2 years i havent been able to do that so ive been feeling more stressed, and then of course i feel fat because im not exercising. so its like, why eat if im not exercising? fasting gives me the same feeling exercising used to. now when i go to the gym i just get frustrated because my leg doesnt work. but fasting is something im good at.
im now in my second year of medical school. this term one year ago things got bad. i was making myself vomit several times a day, even if i hadnt eaten, and i was chewing gum like crazy for its laxative effect. i was falling behind with my studies and finding it hard to get out of bed because i was always feeling so weak. so i went to the gp, broke down as for first time in ten years i admitted i had a problem.
that was a year ago and the 'treatment' i asked for has yet to happen...
the original gp said i was too complicated for him, but that there was a specialist gp there...shes really nice and shes the one i see most who has been trying to help me...
she referred me to cmht...i didnt get appointment till summer holidays (by which point mum had found out and was being really supportive)... at the appointment in summer they assessed me...then a few months later i got letter saying sorry you dont meet the criterion for referally to the areas ED centre for proper treatment,but hey why dont you go to the selfhelp bulimia group (this was stupid as my tendencies were ana not mia).
i was upset by the system...they basically told me im too fat for treatment,come back when your bmi is 16...the system is so backwards?!!
then last term things got worse,i stopped eating and drinking altogether and ended up in hospital with dehydration. i was fainting up to 4x a day and my blood pressure was 80/50 permanently.
the specialist gp did me a personal referral to the ED centre (so this time bypassing the cmht id previously been assessed by) and this time they agreed to treat me...because my bmi was below 19 by this point.
i got given an appointment ... for this tuesday...
so when i came back after xmas i was determined to go to this appointment, i was fasting even more than usual because i wanted my bmi to be 17.5 by the appointment to make sure i got treated. then thing went bizarrely weird. at some point in the last 2 weeks, i dont know when were or why, i changed my mind.
i now dont want treatment. i dont need it. if i went to the appointment id be the laughing stock because im so fat theres no way i can have an eating disorder. so ive gone the opposite way and have been binge eating for the first time in years, without vomiting very much, to GAIN. yes i am TRYING TO GAIN...because i am scared of getting treatment. now this is hilarious as im so fat anyway they wldnt have treated me, yet im so scared of them telling me i need help im making myself even fatter on purpose!
so of course because ive been eating im low low low lowwwwwwwwwww barely getting out of bed etc...then i realised...im SUCH AN IDIOT...all i have to do is NOT GO TO THE APPOINTMENT!!! duhhhhh. so ive been stuffing my face making myself depressed by eating, when all i had to do is not go!!! so thats it, im back on my fast, and im not going to the appointment. i dont want help because i dont neeeeed help. im the most obese person ive ever met so why would i go to an ed centre?!!!
i feel so silly for going for help a year ago. but it worries me that people that actually need help would get treated like i have by the system. if youre not anorexic with a really low bmi you just get thrown from place to place, referred on here and there, but never actually helped.
but here is to new beginnings... monday morning i am calling to say thank you but i dont need the appointment.
then i will start afresh, my way.
there is so much i wanted to say in this post about my current life, but i think its too long already so ill submit this one and write another about the specific things i have to say!
Friday, 14 January 2011
Small beginnings
I started this blog as a way to get all my thoughts out of my head and on paper. Well. I have a 'diary' which i call my 'happy book'. It is the place i can say what i want and get all my thoughts out, but at the moment my brain is so tangled i can't write fast enough, so here i am typing. I may print my posts out and stick them in my happy book for prosperity... is that morbid?
My diary is called my happy book because it is a place i can go to be happy, to be me. Funny i should say that because i feel like being me makes me unhappy. But when i can be me and just me without pressure from anyone else to pretend to be different i am actually happy. But do i deserve to be? That book is full of things a deserving person would not write.
I do not like fat people.
Some people i consider my close friends disgust me because they are fat. But are they fat? Sometimes i'll watch friends getting ready and be thinking ew they look disgusting i would never go out with bulges showing like that in a dress like that, but i wont say anything because everyone else thinks they look amazing. That should give me hope that i dont look as bad as i think i do but instead it just makes me feel guilty for being such a nasty person as to think my friends are fat.
The title of this post is hilarious. Small beginnings. This blog is starting from nothing so it is small. But the authoress, I, I am humoungous. Sorry guys. I know what its like. You read an ED blog, you quite like it, then you see the stats and it is like riiiiight so this person is clearly making all that stuff up because not only are they scared they're fat but they actually are, who are they kidding that they're anorexic when those are their stats?!
So. To set the record straight. I am not anorexic. My BMI was 18.7 last week, i havent weighed myself recently because im having an utter freak out and am too scared to. Same as im too scared to look in mirrors at the moment, but i will come to that later. This post is just to say hello...to whom exactly i have noo clue as i doubt anyone will actually bother to read this, i feel a bit sad typing to noone actually... but lots of my habits are sad, as you'll discover if you stick with me... anyway back to me... wow im a selfabsorbed being! But this is my blog, about me, my feelings, after all, so im going to allow myself to be self absorbed in this little space in the middle of...cyber space?
So yep, my official diagnosis is eating disorder not otherwise specified with anorexic tendencies. I fast. I dont restrict. I would love to be able to restrict, that to me is like the ultimate control. I have zero control. If i eat ANYTHING i eat EVERYTHING, like the big fat hippo i am. My policy is ''all or nothing''. I wish it was ''nothing nothing never anything'', but im too weak for that.
The funny thing is im fat. Like actually obese. Picture the girl that waddles along the street, well thats me. You are probably thinking oh no we've got one of those fat people here who jokes about their weight but never gets off their lazy arses and does anything about it. Yep. Thats me. I barely eat. I used to exercise a lot (not anymore but ill probably rant about that later). Yet i stay the same weight. Last week i lost 10lb in 5 days. Then this week ive started binging without vomiting and ive gained it all back. Just in time for my appointment with the ED specialist. Brilliant. Thing is, my BMI did get to below 18 couple of weeks ago, so virtually meeting mild anorexia criteria, and i freaked. I didnt want to get weighed at this appointment and be made to get treatment. Yet yes i was the one that first went for help, but that was a year ago, things are different now.
Anyway so the few days ive been stuffing my face with anything and everything desperate to be fat for this appointment, yet also already thinking im fat and now even fatter im too embarrassed to go. Ergh. I dont know.
Anyway, its late and this blogs taken me forever to work out how to set up so everything i needed to blurt out is now even more confused in my head so ill write it all tomorrow.
Night noone...maybe soon i'll have followers?!!
xxx
My diary is called my happy book because it is a place i can go to be happy, to be me. Funny i should say that because i feel like being me makes me unhappy. But when i can be me and just me without pressure from anyone else to pretend to be different i am actually happy. But do i deserve to be? That book is full of things a deserving person would not write.
I do not like fat people.
Some people i consider my close friends disgust me because they are fat. But are they fat? Sometimes i'll watch friends getting ready and be thinking ew they look disgusting i would never go out with bulges showing like that in a dress like that, but i wont say anything because everyone else thinks they look amazing. That should give me hope that i dont look as bad as i think i do but instead it just makes me feel guilty for being such a nasty person as to think my friends are fat.
The title of this post is hilarious. Small beginnings. This blog is starting from nothing so it is small. But the authoress, I, I am humoungous. Sorry guys. I know what its like. You read an ED blog, you quite like it, then you see the stats and it is like riiiiight so this person is clearly making all that stuff up because not only are they scared they're fat but they actually are, who are they kidding that they're anorexic when those are their stats?!
So. To set the record straight. I am not anorexic. My BMI was 18.7 last week, i havent weighed myself recently because im having an utter freak out and am too scared to. Same as im too scared to look in mirrors at the moment, but i will come to that later. This post is just to say hello...to whom exactly i have noo clue as i doubt anyone will actually bother to read this, i feel a bit sad typing to noone actually... but lots of my habits are sad, as you'll discover if you stick with me... anyway back to me... wow im a selfabsorbed being! But this is my blog, about me, my feelings, after all, so im going to allow myself to be self absorbed in this little space in the middle of...cyber space?
So yep, my official diagnosis is eating disorder not otherwise specified with anorexic tendencies. I fast. I dont restrict. I would love to be able to restrict, that to me is like the ultimate control. I have zero control. If i eat ANYTHING i eat EVERYTHING, like the big fat hippo i am. My policy is ''all or nothing''. I wish it was ''nothing nothing never anything'', but im too weak for that.
The funny thing is im fat. Like actually obese. Picture the girl that waddles along the street, well thats me. You are probably thinking oh no we've got one of those fat people here who jokes about their weight but never gets off their lazy arses and does anything about it. Yep. Thats me. I barely eat. I used to exercise a lot (not anymore but ill probably rant about that later). Yet i stay the same weight. Last week i lost 10lb in 5 days. Then this week ive started binging without vomiting and ive gained it all back. Just in time for my appointment with the ED specialist. Brilliant. Thing is, my BMI did get to below 18 couple of weeks ago, so virtually meeting mild anorexia criteria, and i freaked. I didnt want to get weighed at this appointment and be made to get treatment. Yet yes i was the one that first went for help, but that was a year ago, things are different now.
Anyway so the few days ive been stuffing my face with anything and everything desperate to be fat for this appointment, yet also already thinking im fat and now even fatter im too embarrassed to go. Ergh. I dont know.
Anyway, its late and this blogs taken me forever to work out how to set up so everything i needed to blurt out is now even more confused in my head so ill write it all tomorrow.
Night noone...maybe soon i'll have followers?!!
xxx
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