B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B.
He is all i can think about. Ok so i lie but it wasnt really necessary to say that the other thing im thinking about is weight and food was it?! The only REAL (ie not my illnesses thoughts) thought im having is about B, and about my future. I am in no state to take my exam on Wednesday, not only am i fasting and dizzy and generally mental im just mental...i cant speak properly...B always says i sound like im having a stroke haha i mean to say a sentence and it comes out as the most random string of words or i read something out as something completely different and made up! Funny but scary...
and i have no concentration and generally im a nutcase. Not fit to be in uni.
Plus the fact i technically untechnically selfharmed again...i dont count it because i didnt do it to hurttttt myself i just did it to remindddd myself and there is a difference- any sane person reading this i promise you, there is actually a difference!
In doing so i realised quite how little ive been in the lab this term...0...so much so it took me about 10mins to connect the blade to my scapel handle thingy and then when i was trying to take it off i snapped it..oops...so now my up-until-today-brand-new-dissection-kit is broken and its only ever been used on a very much alive nutcase! haha...
ive started diagnosing myself with every mental thing on the planten. ive decided im bipolar. because i can have weeks of lying in bed starving then one afternoon ill be like you know what i want to go out. i did that with B yesterday and it was the best few hours ive had in forever. he makes me feel so carefree and smiley and CONFIDENT!!!
this is a secret......dont tell anyone.....we were walking through town and i caught a glance of this girl in a window and i was like phwoar i want her body....then i recognised the dress so in the next window i looked again...IT WAS ME!!!! of course once i realised it was me i didnt want the body so badly but i cant say i thought i looked fat!!! ANDDDDD EVEN MORE AMAZING: i didnt think id look better if i lost any more weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is what B does for me....in all the years ive had this ED noone not even myself has enabled me to feel that. but he did it.
he is amazing.i know to those of you who read this blog and dont know the people i speak of i must seem really rather willynilly and fickle swaying between S?B?S?B?
But the truth is...i dont know what i want. i do. i want B long term. but right now i dont want to hurt him anymore. whereas S i feel deserves me. he made me like this, ok so i had a predisposition to it but he made me worse and so when i 'hurt' him nowadays by not answering the door or requesting he doesnt send flowers i dont feel too guilty...i do...trust me...i cut so much last year out of guilt for the hurt i caused him...then i woke up one day and realised hang on but ive actually done nothing wrong...the things S was hurt over were not actually by my wrong doings...wrong by his culture or standards yes but not by mine, not by most peoples.
S is someone i will always worry about hurting, but i always will hurt no matter what i do. i block him out my life-he hurts. i let him in-he hurts. so the easiest for me is to block him out because in all truth without him in my life that is one less thing in my brain telling me im fat. not that he has even implied that for months. but im a selfish bitch. at one point i wanted to be with him the rest of my life. i told myself regardless of his culture id marry him, we would run away together and have a half me half him cultured wedding, but it would never work.neither of us would be happy.we are both too family centralised. and apart from all that...i want to be with someone else...i never ever thought id say that but that is how it is:
I have never met a better person than B. and i dont mean this in a soppy hearted oo im so in love way. i mean honestly. he is so genuine. so kind hearted. caring, thoughtful, warm, friendling. a good listerning. always puts others before himself (his only downfall apart from laziness!).
B has tried so hard to work with me in a team to beat this ED.
i know i would be happy with B. Yet i broke up with him. i pushed him away. i pushed him because i dont think i deseve him and because i dotn WANT to deserve him because i want him to be happy and for that he needs to be with an amazing girl free of issues who he can be with without having to care for and with him he con cancentrate enough on his exams to pass and succeed.
he put me first and i wished he didnt. i hope he passes the exam on wednesday.
i broke up with him and all i want to do is hold him and kiss him and cry with him and be with him.
but i cant.
even if i ever deserved him i can never be with him at the moment because he told my secret, he told our best friend about my ED. and whilst he kept my biggest deepest secret secret, he told her that one. and S has never told anyone. im not comparing B/S. S not telling anyone about my ED does not make him a better or worse person and vice versa.
i just mean that after S i decided never ever to trust anyone particularly a man again, and i did, so easily and quickly i slipped up and fell for B.
and B told our best friend who i am meant to be living with next year and who i love dearly but who i cannotface now she knows.
i always fuck things up for myself.
i wish so badly that i didnt have this dream ingrained in me to be a dr because then i could grab my passport and money and grab a plane and go start afresh somewhere new where noone knows me enough to try make me eat and noone cares about me and i have no expectations to fulfill and no dreams to be failed because i would have made that choice to live them all behind.
but then id be unhappy because my ED would have won and i do want to fight because otherwise i wont be healthy i wont be a dr and i wont be married to someone like B and have children.
but do i even want that?do i want a future?
or would i rather just fulfill one dream-to be skinny-then die?
Monday, 4 April 2011
F.A.T
I have engraved the word ''FAT'' into my wrist.
I like it. I've wanted a tattoo of either 'tears of red' in very small italic or 'FAT' in bold capitals for years, but wanting to be a doctor means this would be kind of inappropriate, especially wth the bare below the elbows policy meaning i couldnt cover it up. Plus tattoos are for show whereas this is for me. I'll keep it covered till it heals to a nice white scar that only i can see because i know it is there. I love it.
I dont count it as self harm because i didnt do it to numb my feelings like i used to. I have no reason to do that right now because i have no feelings. I am me and i dont eat yet i am fat. That is all there is to me. The only emotion in me is guilt, but i try to limit it because it only makes me depressed, but guilt is also good as it fuels my desire not to eat. Whenever i feel a little bit happier i can slip into eating again as routine, and that is a very bad thing.
My wrist is stinging as i write this but that is ok, that was its point, to remind me, not that i need reminding, that i am fat. It was ingrained into me anyway, years old scarring of the knowledge i am fat, but somehow having it written on me helps and comforts me that im not stupid, these people who say im 'scarily skinny' and looking like, quote B 'a horrific cadaver' are lying to me and trying to make me look like a fool by eating even though im fat.
When i see fat people on the street i cant help but look at them strangely. If i get caught doing it i know people think im lookingat them in pty, but really it is a sort of acknowledgement- youre fat, im fat, maybe we know how each other feels.
Yet i always assume that person got so fat by eating too much. Yet i know medically i dont eat enough. So how did i get this size? That i will never understand.
Yesterday i tried on a size 10 dress i bought last summer as a celebration of my initial weight loss. The occasion never arose to wear it/ i was too selfconcious because its strapless. It falls off now. As in even a size 8 would be too big, i would need a size 6, yet i know im not a size 6 and even though most my clothes are size 8 that fit me now i also know im not a size 8, i cant be, im not that 'size 8' girl. Ive always dreamt of being, but i never will be.
Also on friday but skirt and shirt for placement on wards were baggy and the belt that came with the skirt wouldnt do up tight enough. i punched a new hole in it but it looked stupid as the end bit hanging off was too long. So i had to wear a big thick belt which was really wide so could hide the folds of my skirt where it bags up from being baggy under it...what i dont get is how my clothes can be so baggy yet me the same size as last year when i was more than 2 stone heavier?
I like it. I've wanted a tattoo of either 'tears of red' in very small italic or 'FAT' in bold capitals for years, but wanting to be a doctor means this would be kind of inappropriate, especially wth the bare below the elbows policy meaning i couldnt cover it up. Plus tattoos are for show whereas this is for me. I'll keep it covered till it heals to a nice white scar that only i can see because i know it is there. I love it.
I dont count it as self harm because i didnt do it to numb my feelings like i used to. I have no reason to do that right now because i have no feelings. I am me and i dont eat yet i am fat. That is all there is to me. The only emotion in me is guilt, but i try to limit it because it only makes me depressed, but guilt is also good as it fuels my desire not to eat. Whenever i feel a little bit happier i can slip into eating again as routine, and that is a very bad thing.
My wrist is stinging as i write this but that is ok, that was its point, to remind me, not that i need reminding, that i am fat. It was ingrained into me anyway, years old scarring of the knowledge i am fat, but somehow having it written on me helps and comforts me that im not stupid, these people who say im 'scarily skinny' and looking like, quote B 'a horrific cadaver' are lying to me and trying to make me look like a fool by eating even though im fat.
When i see fat people on the street i cant help but look at them strangely. If i get caught doing it i know people think im lookingat them in pty, but really it is a sort of acknowledgement- youre fat, im fat, maybe we know how each other feels.
Yet i always assume that person got so fat by eating too much. Yet i know medically i dont eat enough. So how did i get this size? That i will never understand.
Yesterday i tried on a size 10 dress i bought last summer as a celebration of my initial weight loss. The occasion never arose to wear it/ i was too selfconcious because its strapless. It falls off now. As in even a size 8 would be too big, i would need a size 6, yet i know im not a size 6 and even though most my clothes are size 8 that fit me now i also know im not a size 8, i cant be, im not that 'size 8' girl. Ive always dreamt of being, but i never will be.
Also on friday but skirt and shirt for placement on wards were baggy and the belt that came with the skirt wouldnt do up tight enough. i punched a new hole in it but it looked stupid as the end bit hanging off was too long. So i had to wear a big thick belt which was really wide so could hide the folds of my skirt where it bags up from being baggy under it...what i dont get is how my clothes can be so baggy yet me the same size as last year when i was more than 2 stone heavier?
Saturday, 2 April 2011
BMI 17.4
Today i finally reached the BMI of 17.4...when i was diagnosed with EDNOS the only criterion of Anorexia Nervosa I didnt meet was that my BMI was above 17.5. Now it is below. And im next seeing my GP in another 2 weeks so it'll be even lower.
Ive had my ED for years and i'd lose lots of weight in short space of time but then gain it again as soon as weekend from boarding school came or as soon as holidays came and i gave in to the guilt trip from Mum. I know for you hardcore anorexics that is hard to believe, but back then it seemed so hard to stay on track when family members wanted me to eat.
Now ive fallen out with all my friends and boyfriend and upset my Mum terribly, all because i know this comes first in my life, i want to be thin.
Anyway, point of me saying all that is that when i used to lose lots but then put some back on,my goal was always to reach a BMI of 17.5 because i felt then i would know i couldnt be fat because clinically it can mean anorexia.
Now my BMI is 17.4 i feel fatter than ever. I took some photos this morning in the hope id look different in them than in the mirror but no i look just as fat.
Are my scales laughing at me? Im the fattest anorexic in the world.
Ive had my ED for years and i'd lose lots of weight in short space of time but then gain it again as soon as weekend from boarding school came or as soon as holidays came and i gave in to the guilt trip from Mum. I know for you hardcore anorexics that is hard to believe, but back then it seemed so hard to stay on track when family members wanted me to eat.
Now ive fallen out with all my friends and boyfriend and upset my Mum terribly, all because i know this comes first in my life, i want to be thin.
Anyway, point of me saying all that is that when i used to lose lots but then put some back on,my goal was always to reach a BMI of 17.5 because i felt then i would know i couldnt be fat because clinically it can mean anorexia.
Now my BMI is 17.4 i feel fatter than ever. I took some photos this morning in the hope id look different in them than in the mirror but no i look just as fat.
Are my scales laughing at me? Im the fattest anorexic in the world.
Friday, 1 April 2011
So so tired
Day 5 of complete fasting (food and water) and im exhausted. But ive lost 10lb in 5 days and a couple more lb and my diagnosis will be changed from EDNOS to anorexia nervosa.
It has been a weird time. I have shut myself in my bedroom all week and not allowed anyone in. Not B. Not S. I've only been into uni to have a meeting with my sub dean in which we discussed a leave of absence from medical school due to my health. It has been agreed that i will attempt to sit my exam next Wednesday but with mitigation seeing as by then i wont have eaten for 10days, and then next term i will remain at home trying to recover then take the exam in summer holidays when hopefully better.
But if im honest to myself i know ive chosen this option as the easy way out- now i can fast for as long as i want without the worry of failing anything. So whilst this time off is meant to be for me to recover really its for me to get iller...messed up thought process i know.
I am now 3rd on the waiting list for treatment at the ED centre, About time right? When i was first referred by BMI was 18.5 and they accepted me for treatment even though the criterion is usually <15. But of course because my BMI was so 'high' ive had to wait a year for treatment...and so now im even deeper in and i think itll take a lot of treatment to get me ok...
I am scared even of drinking water for the fear it will make me maintain my weight the next day. I weigh myself about 4 times during the day and 2 or 3 during the night...having of course got up to pee first. And that is an effort. I have no energy to get out of bed to brush my teeth or pee yet i will so i can weigh myself.
As for my pee...i mentioned in an earlier post that i have decreased kidney function...well considering i havent drunk anything in 5 days, im still peeing vast quantities several times a day and of very dilute concentration...weird.
Ive got an appointment bak with my GP on 13th April. By then my BMI will be around 16.6.
I had to drink some water today because i was on placement on the wards and i felt so faint just being out of bed and having to climb stairs and so on. My clinical outfit is too big now and im really angry about it. Ive basically gone through my savings account this last year buying a whole new wardrobe when i went from size 12 to 10, then another when i reached size 8, and now lots of my size 8 clothes are baggy and so just look stupid yet i dont have the money to buy new stuff.
I cut up my bank card and threw away every 'food' item in my cupboard...for me that was just cuppasoups and stock cubes but i threw it away anyway. So i know i wont give in to my fast because i dont have any money! B made me ring up for new bank card so that i am able to pay for things like train home at the end of term, but it gets sent home and then my Mum will have to post it up to me so all in all it wont get here for at least another week by which stage i will be under 8 stone!
So basically im feeling really positive in myself but just exhausted weak and tired. I sleep all day and all night most days except for waking to weigh. I didnt know it was possible to sleep so much. But if i get disturbed sleeping im then ridiculously moody and angry and tired.
On placement today (first time out of bed all week) i got told my 6 different people at separate times that i look ill...i dont know whether to be offended or not?! whatever theyre seeing im not. yes i look tired. but im the same fat fuck.
ive pushed everyone out my life. B, S, best friend, other friends, even my parents i havent spoken to in about a fortnight. I dont want them all interfering. im happy like this. why cant ibe left alone to live the life i want? surely if they cared enough theyd want me to be happy and so leave me be?
It has been a weird time. I have shut myself in my bedroom all week and not allowed anyone in. Not B. Not S. I've only been into uni to have a meeting with my sub dean in which we discussed a leave of absence from medical school due to my health. It has been agreed that i will attempt to sit my exam next Wednesday but with mitigation seeing as by then i wont have eaten for 10days, and then next term i will remain at home trying to recover then take the exam in summer holidays when hopefully better.
But if im honest to myself i know ive chosen this option as the easy way out- now i can fast for as long as i want without the worry of failing anything. So whilst this time off is meant to be for me to recover really its for me to get iller...messed up thought process i know.
I am now 3rd on the waiting list for treatment at the ED centre, About time right? When i was first referred by BMI was 18.5 and they accepted me for treatment even though the criterion is usually <15. But of course because my BMI was so 'high' ive had to wait a year for treatment...and so now im even deeper in and i think itll take a lot of treatment to get me ok...
I am scared even of drinking water for the fear it will make me maintain my weight the next day. I weigh myself about 4 times during the day and 2 or 3 during the night...having of course got up to pee first. And that is an effort. I have no energy to get out of bed to brush my teeth or pee yet i will so i can weigh myself.
As for my pee...i mentioned in an earlier post that i have decreased kidney function...well considering i havent drunk anything in 5 days, im still peeing vast quantities several times a day and of very dilute concentration...weird.
Ive got an appointment bak with my GP on 13th April. By then my BMI will be around 16.6.
I had to drink some water today because i was on placement on the wards and i felt so faint just being out of bed and having to climb stairs and so on. My clinical outfit is too big now and im really angry about it. Ive basically gone through my savings account this last year buying a whole new wardrobe when i went from size 12 to 10, then another when i reached size 8, and now lots of my size 8 clothes are baggy and so just look stupid yet i dont have the money to buy new stuff.
I cut up my bank card and threw away every 'food' item in my cupboard...for me that was just cuppasoups and stock cubes but i threw it away anyway. So i know i wont give in to my fast because i dont have any money! B made me ring up for new bank card so that i am able to pay for things like train home at the end of term, but it gets sent home and then my Mum will have to post it up to me so all in all it wont get here for at least another week by which stage i will be under 8 stone!
So basically im feeling really positive in myself but just exhausted weak and tired. I sleep all day and all night most days except for waking to weigh. I didnt know it was possible to sleep so much. But if i get disturbed sleeping im then ridiculously moody and angry and tired.
On placement today (first time out of bed all week) i got told my 6 different people at separate times that i look ill...i dont know whether to be offended or not?! whatever theyre seeing im not. yes i look tired. but im the same fat fuck.
ive pushed everyone out my life. B, S, best friend, other friends, even my parents i havent spoken to in about a fortnight. I dont want them all interfering. im happy like this. why cant ibe left alone to live the life i want? surely if they cared enough theyd want me to be happy and so leave me be?
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