Update!

Hello hello!
Sorry i havent written in ages...everythings been crazzzzy busy recently. I've been attempting fasting february as i said in my last post. Ruddy annoying in that i have eaten. Thanks to the new boyfriend. Shock horror? I love S right so why am i now dating someone else?

Well. I broke up with him last March over how shit he made me feel about myself. A year later and he still makes me feel shit about myself so not only did i a week or so ago give up waiting for him to take me back (for NOT cheating on him even though he is adamant it counts as cheating even though we had broken up months before), i waited a year for him to take me back for something i didnt even do wrong, then i realise hang on, the original reason i ended it with him is still there- he makes me really insecure. So why wait for something i dont even want?!
Ive waited for him for a year because i thought i was still in love with him and that that was enough to overcome how shit he makes me feel about myself.
But then i met someone who made me for the first time since i met S, not only feel good about myself, but regain some confidence, and actually start to believe that S is the crazy one not me. When i feel shit about myself he usually says ive misinterpreted something he has said, or that im crazy and its the EDNOS talking. But talking to my mum and friends i know its not.
If anyone confided in the man they planned to marry about their eating disorder and body dysmorphia and then he turned round and told you its funny i get treatment for EDNOS when im so fat and how could i seriously believe he loved me when im so fat and ugly and that he struggled to have sex to me (when he told me he was making love originally) because im too ugly for him to be aroused...i think anyone that that happened to on top of already ending the relationship months earlier because of hurtful comments about my appearance, anyone would feel shit,surely?
So talking it through with people i realised im not crazy. I have an eating disorder yes. But it is worst when he is in my life. A few days after i told him i was ready to move on and just be friends with him i saw him in a shop when my friends and i were buying pick and mix...it was meant to be my treat,id been fasting for days in preparation. Then i saw him, and i dont even know if he saw me but i immediately started sobbing and struggling to breath and got really hot and bothered and had to leave the shop because i was having a full blown freak out about the fact he thinks im fat and then he'd see me buying and potentially eating not just food but unhealthy food.

anyway so point being i realise i wasnt in love with him anymore. i dont blame him for anything though because whilst he preyed on my insecurities it was my fault for opening up to him in the first place. and i was too weak to stand up for myself,not only because i believed all the bad things he said or implied, but because i think i WANTED to believe them because HE HELPED ME MOTIVATE MYSELF NOT TO EAT. so whilst i cried most days about him, i was actually grateful to him. and i still am. i may not be in love with him anymore but i do think i will always love him. but i am questioning that love.is it right to love someone just because they are the only person in the world that agrees with my supposedly ''mentally ill'' thoughts about me being fat? is it so wrong to side with the one person who tells you your thoughts are right and no you are not crazy you are just fat?
the people that know the situation have told me he is just power hungry and he knows my vunerabilities and attacked them because he likes being in control of me. yet he always blamed me for being controlling!

anyway, enough of S.

new boyfriend is lovely. he was one of my best friends to start with and when i realised the attraction was there and mutual i 1-still loved S,2-didnt think i stood a chance and 3-didnt want to risk ruining our friendship.
but luckily it has all worked out! ive met his entire family...including aunts uncles grandma haha and he has met my mum and the entire side of my dads family! i know people will think thats pretty quick but because we were so close as friends before it makes it more intense from the start because id already met him fam as his friend and we already knew everything about each other and had both been holding back the feelings...
so to now...he asked me out officially on valentines day and it was so romantic and i literally had the best day of my life,my mouth was aching from smiling! i felt so loved so wanted, even a little bit attractive?!

i told him about my EDNOS a few days after he asked me out. he already knew from being such a close friend that i had 'food issues' but he apparently didnt realise the full extent. i would have told him as a good friend sometime anyway but i felt as my bf he had the right to know asap incase he wanted to do a runner!

he is sticking by me though and is amazing...i wake up to hidden notes and alarms telling me im beautiful and so on, and all the time he is complimenting me, but unlike with S, it feels genuine.
problem now is im fasting completely again and he is freaking out on me....ive been honest and said look if you dont stop pestering me to eat ill make it impossible for you to pester me-ie yes i will break up with you over this, my ED comes before anything and anyone. so selfish. but thats my current state.
today after trying everything he then tells me i should eat because ive got badbreath....i was like shizzzzlesssss haha! i hadnt even smelt it! but i do know from lack of food and dehydration you can get smelly breath but id always assumed id notice?!! anyway then we were sat researching the implications of fasting on badbreath haha and he was giving me all the scientific reasons for empty stomach=acid=bacteria buildup blahblah but i was jst thinking arghhh quick i need to get home brush teeth! but i know brushing teeth wont help as its not that ive eaten something smelly,the smells coming from my empty stomach...ew!

but im just chewing gum constantly to try cover it up because yeppppp id rather have bad breath than be fat!

im really happy at the moment. been fasting so empty stomach so loads of energy and lots of motivation so im studying really hard and loving it! and the weights dropping off whoop whoop....argh that reminds me i need to book bloodtest...ive put it off for almost 3 weeks now :s i have a drawer full of bloodforms from not attending appointments :s i just hate being told im anaemic when im this fat its ridiculous!

anyway i have work to do. love x

Hello ED, I LOVE YOU X

That is my attempt at pretending to be normal over.
Ive tried denying to myself i have a problem. Ive tried accepting i have a problem but trying to get over it. I cant do it anymore. Eating ruins my life. When i eat i cant get out of bed, cant go uni, feel frigging suicidal for goodness sake! How is that beneficial?!

Exactly. It isnt. So. Im back to doing it my way. Fasting February and a better future hello!

Dream...

I wish i could go somewhere for a month, with other people with ED's (not in recovery), or even extreme dieters, i dont care. To go somewhere for a month where i can fast, not feel pressured to eat, not have any studying to do which involves needing food for concentration, no concerned friends or family trying to get me to eat. To be in an environment for a month, even 2 weeks, where everyone is just as weird as me, where i can eat nothing for as long as i want and not feel guilty when people ask me when i last ate and not have to lie about it. I realise how 'pro' this sounds. But i would love it. Ever seen those fat camp tv shows? I sometimes wish my bmi was overweight so i could qualify to go to a place like that where they actively encourage you to lose weight and you're on a strict diet and exercise regime.

Im tempted to book myself a holiday somewhere where i can just not eat for at least a forthnight,but have access to a gym or somewhere nice to run (if its a warm country of ill get wheezy running outdoors lol) and not have to do anything except not eat, exercise, relax. No studying to worry about.

I want to be a doctor so bad. But recently the desire to be thin is taking over... people are telling me if i dont sort myself out soon ill have to take medical leave from uni for a year because they wont let me continue like this.... half of me actually likes that idea....a whole yearrrrr with no commitments...a whole year in which to lose weight and get fit! But of course it wouldnt be like that because id have my mum on my case taking me to various therapies trying to get me healthy for my return.
I dont want to drop out for a year and i wont. But i have spent most of this term in bed! I know i will pass the exams because i thriveeeeee off revision Sounds so geeky but i love it. The reason im hating this term is because i cannot bearrrrrr essays and assignments where i have to thinkkkkk especially when the assignments are pointless,only doing them to pass them,they have no benefit to me whatsoever,so i have no motivation to do them. So thats my worry, that ill fail the assignments and so have to come back in summer just to write a shitty essay!

I miss revision and exams! I miss having stuff to learn so i can bury myself in the library late every night! I know i could technically bury myself in library writing these assignments, but they are so boring and pointless and i dont have the energy.

This is my last day in bed. Tomorrow im on wards again. Weekend ill get the first assignment done. Then next week will be a good week. I hope.

Suicidal?

I am blogging because I want to die.
I am sat here with the 84 fluoxetine that the Dr just gave me, wondering if i took them all right now, all at once would this shit be over once and for all or would i just have liver failure and a even more miserable life? What an ungrateful cow i am. I have an amazing life yet here i am wanting to end it. Im fucking alive. He is gone. And noone will tell me what happened. This girl i know knows what happened and wont tell me. She is being so selfrighteous. Saying confidentiality blah blah. She wasnt his Dr. SHE DIDNT EVEN KNOW HIM! HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND, i have a right to know how and why he died, surely?
I cant believe she wont tell me. Me and all my friends here neeeeeed to know. We need answers. We cant grieve till we know what we are grieving for. We know something weird happened. We know he changed. And we know he is dead. I also know i really cared about him so much, and it doesnt matter how long or little i knew him, I knew him, i was close to him, i miss him. I cant have closure till i know.

Here i am, a 21year old wanting to be gone, yet he is gone, an amazing 22 year old. Did he commit suicide? By contemplating it would i be putting my friends and family through the same? Would anyone even care?

I just had an awful dr appointment in which i got told ive gained 5kg and so im healthy and the dr is really happy. I cant stop crying. I cannot take this grief, this stress about my supposed ED and the bigger dose of fluoxetine and studying etc when im so fat. I cant do it. I just want to die. But i cant kill myself because i refuse to die fat. I dont want a special persons coffin.


Why am i so selfish? Why cant i cope? Why am i suicidal when i have such an amazing life? I am so ungrateful and selfish. Im such a bad person. Which just makes me want to die even more.



I cant do this.