Failure.

Blood test results:

still hypochromically anaemic
low calcium
low egfr
high phosphate
high potassium

Awaiting results from another test... GP says i could have done permanent damage to my kidneys hence unbalanced electrolytes. She mentioned stage 1 renal failure. I freaked. So i wrote a list of rules after researching to avoid foods with phosphate and potassium...i tried to find a way to eat calcium but i hate milk and dairy so i cant...
but i decided that when i do eat itll be healthy because its junk that id have in a binge that has high phosphates.

my boyfriend wrote me a contract and we both signed it. the rules included attempt one meal a day with attempt defined as cook and serve even if you dont eat it....because otherwise its easy for me to say nah dont feel like it whereas if its cooked i might actually try some.

it lasted 3 days since finding out about my kidneys. i ate half a stiry fry every evening for 3 nights.
then it was my boyfriends night out for his birthday so at supper time everyone was predrinking so i didnt eat. then we had a bed day so i didnt have to eat. then he told me the best birthday present he could ask for was me eating 3 meals a day so i told him id try...in the end we woke up late and so had small breakfast then chicken for supper out with his family...

point is less than a week after finding out my kidneys are failing because of the way i treat my body ive already gone against my contract and given up eating/eating healthily. if i cant to it now how is the clinic going to help me with their meal plans? if knowing ive already caused myself harm isnt enough to stop this shit what is?

i feel like a failure. im fat yet have damaged my kidneys. how is that possible? organ failure is for anorexics. im fat.

my clothes are size 8 and my size 8 jeans are baggy. even after binges my bmi doesnt go higher than 18.7. therefore i know medically im not fat, yet i feel i look bigger than someone with bmi of 30.

when getting ready for boyfriends party i tried on several outfits and asked my housemates which were best.
they turned down my size 8 corset for being too baggy/big.
they turned down my fitted black dress for making me look like skeleton sideways.
thy turned down some tight skirt/top options because they claimed they could see my ribs.

yet all night i felt like a lump.
if im not a lump why do i feel and look like one?

2 week fast

I am fasting until Sunday 20th March which is my boyfriend's birthday. All his friends from home and uni will be there and i want to be confident and make him proud.
Water only.
Yay.
I'll post my highs and lows as much as i can...x

Happy times!

Hello!

First of all i realise its been a whole entire week since i last blogged...sorry! ive been so bad recently at doing things and keeping in touch-i havent even spoken to my mum except by email in over a week :s but the reason everything else is getting waylaid is because everythings going really well with my eating! I suppose it depends what i mean by really well...well i mean that i havent been eating. And my weights dropped to give me a BMI of 18.4 so im feeling bit better as if im classified as unhealthy weightwise surely i cant be fat even though my brain tells me i am?

i went to the dr today because id run out of fluoxetine and wanted to discuss alternatives. since being on the 60mg (upped from 20mg) dose ive been having vivid nightmares where i wake up screaming/hitting/sleepwalking because they are so real its like im acting them out. Also ive had a dry mouth/bad breath. Dr said i should continue with fluoxetine for 2 more weeks to see if the side effects subside...so lots of chewing gum for the next fortnight!! it was a different gp to the one i usually see about ed related things and he was a bit of a douche...i saw him write 'fluoxetine for bulimia' on my notes so i said no im not bulimic im ednos and he was like well in such and such a letter it said bulimic and i was like yes but if you were to read my history properly ive been diagnosed with ednos and whilst i have had brief periods of bingeing and purging i usually restrict. he seemed to find it weird i didnt want to be called bulimic,but actually im quite proud that i havent binged in weeks or vomited in agesssss so why call me something im not? i wouldnt like to be called anorexic either. because im not!

then i got annoyed as i saw a letter on the screen from YCED where i went from an appointment in mid January. they put me on wating list (1-2mnths) for outpatient treatment, so i should have heard latest by 2 weeks time. yet they said when they wrote to the dr they would copy me in...but ive had no contact with them...so i asked dr if i could e a copy or at least read it and he said no. so im going to call speak to the dr i usually see instead.

so yep,weights going down so all is well. B is amazing as always. thanks for your comments guys. Lin, i see your viewpoint, and i did truly love S and believe he did love me and i dont take what we had for granted-it was amazing but also the most horrific thing ive ever experienced. since leaving him behind ive felt so much better about myself and about life. love isnt enough. you have to have respect. and he did not respect me or my body and did not treat me right. i in turn treated him badly too. basically love doesnt conquer all. im grateful ive experienced love but it hurt and i wouldnt mind never being in love again.

only thing bad in my life at the moment is studying...i have zero motivation...i cant go into practical classes because i keep fainting, half the terms module im not bothering with till easter holidays,but the other half there is an exam on in 5weeks and i know nothing and im trying to learn it but nothing going in because all i can think of is numbers numbers numbers lb to kg lb to stone kg to stone to bmi bmi bmi bmi fat fat fat arghhhhh.

i stopped revising to write this in the hope it would get some of my obsessive weight thoughts out. but all its done is made me want to go weigh again.