Year 3 of medical school...year 11 of being eating disordered

Hi everyone!
Really sorry i haven't been on here for so long...so...update, how am i?! Well haha it depends who you ask, when and where! I like to say im recovered... but the truth is i doubt i'll ever be. Last term my mum was the best in the whole world, she did 6hr drives to see me and take me into the countryside every weekend, she did my food shopping for me, she talked to me, she held me when i cried, she didnt judge me. She was just my mum, there for me. I think without her I wouldnt still be at uni, i wouldnt be better.
Then summer, i continued to eat. I went back to Africa, where ive always felt most 'me' and happiest. I went to stay with the man i fell in love with on my gap year, who i only knew for 4 days but thought was my soulmate. Up until going out there whilst i thought he was my soulmate i never really considered anything, for whilst we spoke most days via email/fb for 3 years,we live in different countries, continents!
Anyway,i am now very very happy, i feel like im living a fairy tale! Out there i ate lots of new things, even enjoyed red meat! I did vomit a couple of times, but he helped me through it.
I miss him so much, but i love him, want to marry him, have his children. He is the one.

Anyway, back to ED stuff, as i feel R is very separate from my ED...S was my main trigger for ED rearing its ugly head again since being at uni. B...well my relationship with him was when i got to my lowest weight, i was really ill not only physically but mentally i was screweddddd and so our relationship revolved around me my eating i felt, he tried to help me but i got angry as he was more like a therapist than a boyfriend, he tried so hard, but i just got angry because i didnt want his help! R however is different, i promised him id tell him everything, and i do, but he doesnt understand and really that doesnt matter, its actually quite refreshing! in his country few people have eating disorders...why is that? he has heard of anorexia but doesnt understand that let alone EDNOS. but the fact he doesnt understand is ok, because neither do i! i love him,he loves me.when i tell him ive done something bad (fasted/restricted) he is there for me,without trying to force me into changing or making me feel guilty.
basically,he helps me without even actively doing so! he is my saviour. he is a religious man. i know he prays for me...maybe its working?!!

but back to the now...ive been at uni about a month...i went from eating normally at home to not eating for 10days when i first got back to uni...by the end of it i was vomiting any liquids i drank. then work piled up and i realised i didnt want that,i didnt want the illness to follow me into 3rd year. so i ate. and you know what,it was ok! i love my flat this year. im living with one of my closest girlfriends who knows about my ed...i didnt tell her, B did (without my consent but he needed to talk about it with someone,and its ok because she is an amazing person), but she is amazing about it. she doesnt ask questions, but if i wanted to talk she would be there. last year i hated my house, if i didnt eat it would be commented on, when meals were being made i was made to feel guilty or embarrassedd if i wasnt jjoining in. here now its so chilled, usually i eat with them but if not its not an issue. its so much better as i dont feel like im being watched. last year i barely left my room because i was so paranoid abou them seeing me not eating, or seeing the tiny meals i did eat,or indeed the binges. this year my flats so relaxed, im really happy here, i feel i can do what i want eat what i do or dont want, go where i want, and not be constantly questioned and watched and checked up on. i know last year they werent being malicious,buti really hated it.
anyway,so then i got back into eating, and it was fine,but as the weeks passed and stress about exam built up i realised i was not wanting to eat, i made myself, as im so scared of being ill again,but ive been getting urges not to, so i bought a bike,an indoor one,and started cycling 20miles a day, 10morning 10 evening. soon though i found it wasnt enough,i tried to resist urge to do more as i felt maybe it was ed talking not me, but in the end it was either do more exercise or starve, so i now cycle 20miles in the morning, 20 in the evening. it takes me about 50-54mins for each 20miles. makes me feel energised. good. happy. successful. and makes eating ok. allowed. not a failure.
now exams in like 9 days and im freakkkking. i had my first binge since like, May yesterday, and took laxatives, and vomited. felt awful. and scared. scared itd become a habit. so today i went to library to revise with a litre of diet coke and without my wallet to make sure i wouldnt binge. i made a plan to not eat for the ten days ill my exam. but tonight i made a healthy supper of fish and peas and ate it.
i dont want to be ill. and that means whilst i dont want to binge and vomit, i dont want to starve either.
i want to be healthy! yes i want to be thin, but as my leg strengthens (i had major surgery this summer) i will be able to exercise more and more and so will lose the post-op and recovery weight. im a healthy size anyway. i weigh 10 stone. id like to be 9, and i will be. but through exercise.
i want to be healthy. i want to live. i want to LIVE HAPPILY. live. laugh. love.
and i will.
every day is a fight. a fight to force myself to eat. a fight to then not throw up, a fight to not cycle more than 40miles, or to go for a run on top of it. a fight to not go crazy when i eat and binge. when i do overeat and succeed to not throw up its a fight not to cut as a punishment and reminder not to do it again.
but its a fight im winning.
yup. im winning. im dragging myself out of bed at 6 am every day,cycling,at med school till 5pm ish, another cycle, revising, EATING sociably with my flatmates, then revising, showering,pampering,bed.sleep. ready for another day.
im taking time for myself without feeling guilty for it. classical music, candles, long baths, vigorous showers, full body moisturises, nail varnish. taking time out for myself. trying to relax.  im so scared though! cycling makes me feel amazing, but im scared my 40miles a day is too much, i scared of doing more, that it will be my ed taking over my obsessing with exercise instead. and im scared my 2-3 showers a day and long baths are becoming an OCD thing about germs instead of just relaxation.
im a very scared frightened person. i was a scared little girl, and that has followed me to where i am now. i was scared to eat but i did it. and now everyday im scared of everything. when i do things right im scared im doing it for the wrong reasons, im scared its not going to last, scared in case it isnt right after all. but im doing it. and im happy.
yes.
im happy.
and you know what? its thank to my mum. and R. i love them more than anyone in the world. they healed me.
xx

Death

A girl with Anorexia at my medical school has just died. She was in 4th year and i'm only in 2nd year so i didn't know her personally but my ex did...
he contacted me, for support i think, about the fact he had known her personally (we were all emailed by staff offering counselling etc) and that he was upset and so on... i asked him how she died (at that point not knowing anything about her) and he said she was anorexic... it then transpired he didnt know what she died of but has just assumed it was a complication from her ED...
as soon as i heard that i immediately felt completely the wrong emotions...when i initially heard of her death i felt sadness, but when i heard she had been anorexic, but immediate emotion was...and im so ashamed of this...jealousy.
i was overwhelmed by feelings that this girl i didnt even know must have been so much thinner than me (even when i was at my low weight) so much more disciplined and must have had so much more selfcontrol. i was angry at my ex for telling me he had seen her getting thinner and thinner,because it was at the time i got down to my low weight and he said i was scarily thin,yet all i can now think is that he was lying because he knew a girl that was so thin she died, so he must have thought i was obese compared to her.
its ridiculous, because he probably didnt think that,and if he did it really doesnt matter. what matters is that there was a girl here, who i didnt even know, but who probably lived on my road, walked the same route into medschool everyday, probably received treatment at the same clinic as me, who did it SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME. ridiculous way of thinking...i dont want to die..i dont want to be ill...yet knowing she quite probably died from her ED makes me think- she was better at it than me...stupid stupid me.
i hate my brain.
and then the other part of me is consumed by guilt...not only because of these feelings of jealousy...but the fact that im receiving treatment at this clinic even though my BMI has now increased to 20! i cant help but think well she died because i was taking up her place at the clinic, i dont need treatment, she did and other people out there do, yet im being selfish taking up their place when im too fat to need help.
ergh.
im all over the place and i didnt even know her.
i am so sad for her family and friends, and for her, although knowing what it is like having an ED maybe its a relief but i cannot comment because i didnt know her or what she was experiencing...
i just...i dont want to die...especially not from my ED because that would mean it had won...but on the other hand...maybe the only way ill see myself as a success is if this wins? because im a straight A grade student,always top of everything,im at med school,im (supposedly) a talented pianist and singer, i play loads of sports, im (apparently) a really nice girl...all this adds up to tell me on paper im successful...yet i dont feel it...i only feel success when empty...so ultimate success is my ed winning...
IM SO CONFUSED.